Honey, my ass thanks you!

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They say that for your first anniversary the traditional gift is paper…. my husband took this info and ran with it! 

This morning as I slowly made my way into the living room I noticed a grocery bag laying on the coffee table with an envelope sitting on top of it …..hmmmmm, confused and still waking up I went and grabbed his neatly wrapped present and laid it next to the bag.

“Happy Anniversary honey, go open your present” he said.

“Couldn’t wrap it?”

“You know me, when have I ever wrapped anything?”

I opened up the envelope and read the sweet card…..then I picked up the bag, looked inside and pulled out a package of toilet paper.

“Really? Toilet paper ?” I said confused.

“The first year anniversary present is paper” he said laughing.

He had sent me flowers earlier this week so I knew this was a gag gift…..but part of me didn’t like the joke.

“Well, my ass thanks you…….now open your present”

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Things my mother never warned me about

Between my sister and I, I’m the oldest. There have been many times throughout my thirty nine years that I wished that I had a big sister  (or a sane mother) who would give it to me straight regarding life and all its ups and downs, to tell me about the many “Prince Charmings” that would come my way and how to protect my heart from their fraudulent ways, to tell me to keep true to myself and never become a doormat and that it’s ok to cry.

As an adult there have been many moments where I would think “shit, thanks Mom for telling me” vowing to always make sure my kids would never have to utter those very words in their adult life.

Here are a few things that I have shared with my daughters (22 and 19) in recent years.

Use sunscreen, don’t use baby oil to tan you will see the damage the sun did to your skin many many years later. The sun is not your friend.

Arm jiggle it’s for real…..one day while you are brushing your hair you will see it, it will be waving back at you.

Pasta and bread ARE NOT our friend…..it will attach to your hips and some how make you gain 10 pounds overnight! We were not as lucky as my sister who has remained a size 4  all these years!!!

Follow your gut, yeah that nagging voice in your head-the voice of reason follow it. Sometimes you will try and negotiate with yourself….making excuses why you shouldn’t listen to your gut, but let me tell you……you will learn the hard way if you don’t.

Guys (some) will portray to be everything you want them to be at first but once they know they have you in a blink of an eye the man that was once about the “Iove yous” and being by your side turns into someone you don’t even recognize. Romance,sex, I love yous are no more …. he shuts you out, his friends and video games are more important …..when you bring this up, he will accuse you of wanting to change him or that it’s all in your head. It’s not in your head…..he’s the one that decided to go all Jeckyl and Hyde not you.

Don’t lose sight of your own passions, remain true to yourself!

If you feel he lies to you, call him out on it.

Men will break your heart and you may think you can’t go on without him……but you can. Grab some ice cream, put on your favorite movie and make a list of all the things that irritated the hell out of you when it came to him, pretty soon you will have two pages of red flags….and you will realize you are better off without him. (this totally works).

It’s true…..when the right one comes in your life, YOU WILL KNOW!!  He will show you that just because you may have a little spat he still loves you and isn’t going anywhere. He will show you love like no other. He will not change after he knows he has your heart……you will never have to doubt his love.

Experience life ….. travel, have fun, make your bucket list and knock some of them out before you have children. Make everlasting memories…you are still young!!

Women can be catty ….. it’s ok to have a few close friends. The amount of friends you have doesn’t measure your worth as a person….I would rather have 3 really close friends than 400 facebook friends that could really careless if I couldn’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans!!

Relationships are tricky….it’s best not to start one with blinders on. Those rose colored glasses, take them off!! Don’t make excuses for his temper…or if he physically or mentally abuses you, what you are with is NOT a man but a coward and a bully. You deserve someone so much better.

Do NOT under any circumstances have any of your exes play matchmaker, this will only end badly!!  They may say they are ok with setting you up with an acquaintance or friend but that’s not the case.

Learn to change your own tire, check your oil and always carry a blanket, water and a tool box in the trunk of your car.

 

Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

Would you pay to be cuddled?

Well, if you answered yes to this then there is a place in Madison, Wisconsin that you can go to have someone hold you. Here’s the kicker…the price for your cuddle session ranges from $60 an hour for a single hug, $120 for a double hug (whatever that is, maybe you’re sandwiched in between two bodies…kinda like an innocent form of a threesome) and over $400 to be cuddled by a complete stranger overnight.

An article came out about this Cuddles R Us and  I was curious, who were these high paying huggers? I went to their site…. The Snuggle House and I noticed that these huggers are quite attractive……well, besides the man who looks like a well maintained hippie. I can see how this could possibly attract some perve or those that have a hard time finding a cuddle partner of their own.

I understand their touch therapy method but I can go to a massage therapist and get the same results without the personal closeness of a stranger. I just find this concept quite strange…….because I know when I cuddle with my husband I feel a closeness to him, I want more………..and even before I was with my husband and was submerged in the whole dating scene, there were times that “we can just cuddle” led to more.

Maybe the Snuggle House is legit …. maybe they have  video cameras in each room and a panic button just in case a client takes the cuddle session too far but whose to say there aren’t copy cat snuggle houses that well……offer more than “just cuddling”.

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Guest Blogger – It’s not what it seems

Today’s post comes from a blogger who is honest about his daily struggles, who is committed to his faith and well…..you think I put myself out there he exposes himself like no other. His blog is a full admission of his day to day inner battles……..Topaz I admire your honesty. I am happy to share the lighter side of your life as seen in this post.

I hope you all enjoy!!

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I went to a newly-opened branch of a haircut franchise recently. It’s a place that I never intended to set foot inside: Knockouts. It didn’t necessarily have to do with my faith; I just didn’t want to go. Maybe I felt I was too old, like being caught leafing through an issue of Maxim at the grocery store, or maybe because I was an awkward teenager who was intimidated by beautiful cheerleader-types.

To be honest, my wife, Ayako, is the one that made me go to Knockouts.  Seriously.  She is a major coupon-clipper (nothing wrong with that since we survive on a teacher’s salary), and I’m not allowed to get my hair cut unless my wife has a coupon, which means I end up going to podunk mom-and-pop barbers in our small Texas town. I guess it’s because they’re the ones who need business the most and put out coupons with the best deals.

Barber shops are not good for people like me who dislike chit-chat.  It’s not uncommon for me to spend an hour in the chair; not because I have a lot of hair, but because the homely, bubble gum-chewing stylist starts complaining to the others about how the neighbor’s dog keeps pooping on her daisies. Before I know it, all the other stylists are chiming in with their own problems which almost always include men.

That’s why I was so surprised when my wife handed me a FREE coupon (first-time customers only) for Knockouts.  I thought it was a trap: As soon as I grabbed the coupon, air-raid sirens would go off, signaling the beginning of Ayako’s three-day silent treatment.

“Isn’t this the Hooters-style haircut place?” I said with just the right amount of naiveté.

“Yep.  Full of hot women.”

There was no sarcastic tone in Ayako’s voice. She’s from Japan, a nation which features the annual Festival of the Steel Phallus, so I wasn’t necessarily blindsided by her statement.

“Um, don’t you have any other coupons?”  I was getting anxious by then. I hated small talk, especially when life-sized Barbies and macho, drooling frat boys were involved. Flashbacks from high school filled my panic-stricken mind.

“No. None that are 100% off like this. “

That’s my wife.  She’d rather send me to be pampered for free by a harem of sorority girls than have me pay a whopping $9.99 at Texas Star Barber Shop down on Main Street.

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So I nervously made my way to Knockouts.  Never having been to Hooters due to my shy, reserved nature, I was afraid that my motor skills would break down and reduce me to a babbling idiot; or worse, I would accidentally glance at the wrong part of the stylist’s anatomy and get my ear gouged as payback.

There wasn’t much to worry about, though.

I don’t know if it was false advertising or just that the company had a hard time recruiting beauty queens in such a small town, but when I entered, it was completely silent and devoid of people.  Not even a sports game was playing on one of the big TVs.

A short, skinny girl who looked like she was skipping a day of junior high school greeted me.  She was wearing a t-shirt that was hanging on her like a camping tent.  Her black shorts were indeed short, but, compared with the girls that cruise the mall on weekends, the stylist’s shorts resembled my dearly-departed grandma’s britches.

The girl gave me an awkward, curt smile that clearly said, I know I look ridiculous, and you know I look ridiculous, so let’s just do this and be done with it, ‘k?

“Hi. My name is Opal, and I’ll be your stylist for today,” she said with the enthusiasm of a Walmart customer service employee.

Opal?! You gotta be kiddin’ me. No one has named their daughter Opal since the 19th century. It sounds like a Amish stripper’s name.

“Mind if I turn this on?” she said, not giving me a chance to respond as she flipped on Country Music Television at maximum volume.

Oh yeah, the coupon that my wife gave me mentioned free beer and massage.  There were no beverages in sight, however.

“Uh, the ad mentioned free beer,” I said like a dork.

“Ad?”

“Yeah, the coupon.”

Oh, great. Why did I have to say that? Now she’s going to do a crappy job since she knows I’m not paying full-price.

“No, sorry.  We don’t have any beer.”

Okaaay.  I wasn’t about to mention the massage.

Opal proceeded to lecture me on the history of our small Texas town since her family has been in the area for generations.  I learned about the year that Safeway first came to town and also how Opal’s grandmother was a star basketball player in high school, but, since I hate chit-chat, I just let her go on and on; I almost pretended to fall asleep.

As Opal was finishing up, I heard the front door open.  Wonder what kind of perv just came in?

As I walked to the register to pay, I saw who it was: a plain-looking housewife and her kid.  So much for stereotypes.

A month later, another Knockouts coupon was waiting for me on the kitchen counter.  This one was for returning clients.

I sighed.  Maybe they would have that free beer next time.

~t

Daily Prompt: Liar Liar …. soooo busted!!

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“Your height?” …. “5’5” I answered.

“How much do you weigh” …… “140 pounds”

She looked at me and she knew …..she knew I lied but typed it in anyways…… as she repeated “140” slowly, she looked at me once again over her red rimmed glasses waiting for me to come clean …… she knew I was lying, I knew it to but I wasn’t about to say my TRUE number out loud. It’s no ones business. Plus, that’s my goal weight…..well really 130 is but she would totally call the DMV police over and have me step on a scale. I will get there again…..really, just a bottle of Alli, a strict diet and no more wine will get me back down there again….I’m not that far.

Who doesn’t fib a little when it comes to their weight? Well, except you skinny people …. You probably stand there proudly and shout out your number. GOOD FOR YOU!! (as I stuff a double fudge cookie in my mouth and wash it down with my glass of Merlot). I knew I shouldn’t have said 140….I mean that’s a bit of a stretch….but I’ve been meaning to join a gym and start “running” but it’s so gosh darn humid out that I sweat as soon as I go outside!! scalecry http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/daily-prompt-fake/

Is it really stalking or just being overally nosey?

A question has come up recently by a fellow blogging friend regarding an ex “stalking” her blog…… “I know he reads my blog, but why would he do this? he has a girlfriend” ….we pondered on this question for awhile….analyzed his behavior, pretty much came up with a few ideas :

1. he is in no way on the level of Mr.Crazy when it comes to crazy stalking behavior

2. he misses you and although he knows he can’t be with you right now; he just longs for a little piece of you and he can get that by reading your blog.

3. his girlfriend is just a filler.

4. He may stalk your blog daily, even visit hourly…..but just as long as he isn’t doing anything harmful to you then catch him off guard and say hello!!

I  began to think about different levels of crazy……  and remembered a conversation I had with Jenny about 12 years ago….it went something like this.

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“Hello”

(whisper) “You would never believe what I am doing…guess”

(whispers back) “why are you whispering? are you eavesdropping on someone?”

(whisper) “I’m hiding in a bush watching Scott and his wife clean up the front yard….why are you whispering?”

“You’re in a BUSH? You’re crazy…what if he sees you?”

“He won’t, my car is parked down the road….and I doubt he can …ohhh wait, shit he’s looking this way”

“Ohhh Jen, you are going to get caught…..why are you there anyways?”

“He gave me some lame excuse , he SAID he was going out of town……but he’s outside with his wife fixing up the front yard!!!….Jolene?”

“Yeah Jen”

“You’re going to have to come along next time”

“OK…..please don’t do anything stupid”

“hmmm….I’m in a bush, this is not one of my most proudest moments”

I admit….back in the day I have had some not so proud moments when I let that little obsessive behavior come out; but I noticed that it only happened when someone I loved did me wrong…..like cheated…..of course that question  “what does the bitch look like?”  consumed me and one can’t help but be overcome with curiosity right???  I’ve never gone as far as Mr.Crazy though…..who would come into my complex in the late hours of the night to see if I was home or not…….he spit on my home window, dented my car with his fist, and spit on the car door handle of a male friends truck. NOW….that’s stalking gone overboard!!!

Marie told me recently how her ex left an envelope with a thumb drive inside. It was a slide show titled Marie’s Legacy…..on this slide show were pictures of them together….pictures of parties they attended….I even made it on the slide show…..then he put in a picture of a notification that was sent to his phone on where she was on one particular night(creepy)….then there was a picture of a guy she is dating who was surfing (is he stalking him too)…lists of ex-boyfriends from her past was also on this slide show.

“What do I do?” she asked

“Don’t play into his crazy, that is what he wants…..for a man to shuffle through hundreds of photos of you and him and put something like this together is just nuts. He’s stewing, he’s probably oozing the crazy stench right now…..just please leave him alone”

“I just checked his Match.com page and he is on it all the time…..yet he tells me that I’m the one he wants but dates all these other woman”

“Are you on Match?”

“NO….I just made a fake profile up just to keep tabs on him because I’ve noticed that once we head to our own places he is instantly on there”

“Just leave him alone Marie, he’s playing you”

She agreed, but Marie has a mind of her own and admittedly said she’s addicted to the drama…..but I just hope that this is a clear sign that this man is a bit unstable……I guess it would be one thing if the slideshow was put to some romantic music with a love letter or poem at the end….but there wasn’t any hearts or clip art rose pedals on the screen.

But going back to what I was saying at the beginning, if someone I dated, or even married wants to read my blog……more power to them…..I don’t really know what purpose it serves them…………but as long as they stay their distance and don’t write childish idiotic comments then I’m fine…plus it brings up my stats.

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Spinster…..aka Hopeless Romantic

This morning while catching up on my favorite must read blogs  I came across 1 Year of Single post called Denial of Points. It was almost like reading something that I had written years ago in a previous blog  depicting my frustration with single life.

She wrote:

I feel like I’ve been thrown multiple life lessons and I’m failing every one. Why else would the lessons be never-ending? When I look around, I don’t see everyone else going through years of endless dating torture.

I want to know when these stupid little life lessons are going to end and I’m going to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Where’s the damn prize? I feel like I’m getting nowhere, like a salmon swimming upstream; I don’t even know what the lessons are, or what the point of the lessons are. And yet at the same time, I look back on my decisions – like how I chose to continue being ‘friends’ with a guy who can’t decide if he should leave his cheating wife or not – and think, “God must be tired of me spinning my wheels all the time like a Gafatch.

I totally felt her frustration because I WAS her (up until last June)….I felt defeated by each life lesson that was thrown in my path……I mean COME ON already how many lessons and failed relationships does one person have to go through in order to find the one? It’s so simple for some……like my sister, she may have only encountered two dating life lessons to my fifteen years (give or take a year or two) of spinsterhood. At times I felt that I had been cursed or that Karma was being a REAL BITCH and paying me back for something that I royally screwed up on in  a previous lifetime….whatever it was I couldn’t figure it out. I tried to….but to no avail I kept making wrong decisions when it came to men….and I was actually beginning to believe the label my ex-husband placed on me…..Spinster, but I prefer “Hopeless Romantic”.

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I tried dating the good guys, you know the type that complain that women only want bad boys….so I gave the good guys a shot. All I found out is that line is just that ….. a line, because the “good guys” that I dated were just as bad as the tattoo’d bad boys. For instance….Paul. Looked like a good guy, smelled like a good guy, we had a lot in common, was very attentive only problem was that he was also attentive to two other women, in two different cities.

I tried the bad boy, tattoos ….tongue ring….a bit younger but that boy couldn’t carry on a conversation to save his life. He was nice to look at during those brief summer months but after that….adios!

There was the guy who claimed to want to marry me, we moved in …..things were good until I found out that he was still in love with his stripper ex-wife, but he claimed that it was over. Five months later I began to feel that something was just a bit off and after snooping around I noticed he had a profile on a dating website saying he was looking for love. We broke up and I was left living in a place I called “hell in the desert” while he was off loving on someone new.

imagesI then decided that I needed to change things up……I would just date a guy based on his personality and not dismiss him based on his looks. That brings me to Gollum or the white ET as my friends called him. We dated for quite sometime, but his overly health nut attitude and my love for carbs became a problem……looking back now I should have stood my ground  when he scolded me for putting too much butter on my bread and the lecture I got when I ordered a Dr. Pepper . I should have stuffed him full of pasta and bread to just relax him a bit or put him in a carb coma with my yummy manicotti. The breaking point was when I caught him twirling around in my lingerie….yeah no one wants to see Gollum in a silky nighty from Victoria Secrets.

There came a point that I had to admit defeat my choices in men were horrible (not including the Major who I ended up marrying in December) so I had only one option. I found myself in a church, kneeling before the Lord and prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. I gave it up to him, I was no longer going to search for THE ONE because I was exhausted. Broken hearts suck. I was there for a good hour praying, well more like reading the prayers on the back of the missalette. I walked out of there with a new sense of peace because when it was time he would deliver …..well that’s what I had been told anyways…..so instead of Match.com finding me a man I went to the Big Man upstairs to be my matchmaker.

What he brought me was Mr.Crazy…….and from what I learned from this experience was you can’t fix crazy or fix Mr.Crazys momma who was unable to release this overgrown boy from her bosom. I guess in a way this was the test of all tests. It taught me to never settle, just because you may think that you are approaching 35 years old, you think no one loves you and that all the good ones are gone…..does not mean in any way that you should marry some guy who has no direction. Remember you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to fix themselves….and it’s a losing battle when they are in denial about what we all see as a problem.

There is hope to all those singles out there……there is a light at the end of the tunnel, believe me…….I definitely paid my dues, learned some very tough lessons, realized what I truly deserved and most importantly became comfortable with the thought of just being alone…..because really was I ALONE? I have good friends that would never turn their back on me, I have my children although grown they still keep in touch (one more than the other two), I have my health……yeah eating a Lean Cusine for dinner and watching reality television with your Furkids staring on day after day can be a bit lonely but just think…….he is out there, but it’s just not time yet. He may just need to figure somethings out before he is ready to cross your path and be yours 100%.

I had to wait ten years to before my husband and I crossed paths again…….

yeah I hear some of you saying….. “TEN YEARS…i have to wait TEN years!!”  I know ……I know.

Eavesdropping is soooo much fun!!

My husband and I had lunch at this cute little café out in the middle of some old country town on Saturday, while reading over the menu I noticed two women to my right having a really intense conversation.  “When I asked him to do me right on the lawnmower he looked at me as though I had two heads and a wart on my nose”. WHAT?? I stopped reading the menu and started to pay attention .There are two things that I enjoy …..people watching and eavesdropping.  “I just don’t get it, I’m tired of being denied sex when I ask for it….every time I ask he looks repulsed but then he will come to me in a day or two ON HIS TIME and want sex, as much as I want to deny him I’m so gosh darn horny I just give in” the brunette said sounding defeated….. “Uhm maybe he likes being the dominate one?” her friend asked.

Boy did I miss  having these types of conversations with my girlfriends!!!…..”Honey do you know what you want?”…I didn’t notice the waitress standing by the table waiting to take my order; I quickly ordered a cheeseburger, no onions and sent the girl on her way…..I had a conversation to get back into….my husband was too busy checking baseball stats to realize what I was doing.

“That doesn’t give him the right to look at me as though I’m some alien from another planet, maybe he didn’t want to have sex on the lawnmower, but he’s had sex in other bizarre places so the riding lawnmower isn’t a far stretch from what he’s used to. I’m done askin though….it hurts too much when he denies me. I’m just horny as all get out it’s been over a week”.  I so wanted to move my seat over to their table to chime in….I could use a dose of girl talk!! The blonde took a sip of her soda “well girl, Jim and I haven’t had sex for over a month!!! We don’t even make out or French kiss do you guys still kiss?” the brunette took a bite of her salad and nodded “yeah we still kiss ….but when we start kissing KISSIN it always leads to sex so we don’t have just random kissing”

A month!! I think I would go totally crazy if we didn’t have sex for a month……  “Honey what do you think?”…..ohhhh crap I was so engrossed with the two girls that I didn’t know that he was talking….. “Think about what, sorry”. He wanted to know what route we should take back home  seriously I had no clue where we were at so I just told him to surprise me. He caught on pretty quickly that I was in the middle of a conversation already…one that I wasn’t invited to…I tried to tell him what was going on with a whisper but by the time we finished talking about routes and eavesdropping the women paid their bill and were heading out the door.

I felt a bit disappointed by their departure, I didn’t know these women but this was a topic that was up my alley. …..So while eating my juicy burger I texted Jenny and my sister and asked them if they still have make out sessions with their husbands. They both said sometimes but nine times out of ten it always lead to sex. “I miss the hot make out sessions we use to have, what about you?” Jennys texted. I told her that we still kiss….and mentioned to her that the other night when we watched two John Wayne movies (not the war flicks those put me to sleep)  I had made a comment about the cheesy overly dramatic Hollywood kisses then while we were taking a brief snack break he grabbed me and planted a good old cheesy Hollywood kiss of his own. Which only left me in a fit of giggles …….but no matter how silly that was it still left me a little hot and bothered!!

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I wonder how many couples out there who have been together for a significant amount of time still find themselves in the arms of their spouse having steamy Hollywood make out sessions??  or does the steam just fade away after time?

V-Steam anyone??

8936ce6fcd8a8649892eb08d80832183I woke up this morning to a pain that I can only describe as having some evil man beating in your skull with a club over and over again…….yeah I woke up with a massive migraine. My husband and furkids were just blurry shadows and it took every ounce of me to walk to the bathroom and grab my migraine medicine. I knew I should of taken something when I woke up to my head pounding earlier but I was hoping it would just go away……………but it didn’t, now I was in the worst pain imaginable………….child birth?…a total breeze… kidney stones? ok that hurt but  nothing compared to what I was feeling….was this what it feels like to have your head gnawed on by a grizzly?

I briefly remember my husband kissing me good-bye and telling our Furkids to be on their best behavior because mommy was sick. I remember my furgirl,Lily licking my tears off my cheek and cuddling close to me, while Dart climbed up on daddies pillow and fell back to sleep.

It wasn’t until a little after one that I felt somewhat human again and decided to head to the couch. I channeled surfed for a while …and nothing…then I remembered that I had a bunch of my girly shows that I needed to watch. After watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey and Orange County; I turned on Tia and Tamera and let me just tell you, laughter is the best medicine!! Those two are a riot especially when they head to a spa to get a steam facial to only find out that the V Steam that they signed up for was not for the face it was for their vagina.

Well SIGN ME UP!!! …… I’m game for anything that will rejuvenate any part of me!! Do I hear a girls day at the spa!!! I can see it now…….a bunch of girls sitting around getting the V herbal special while sippin on some bubbly and giggling about the crazy sensation that was happening down below!!