Last week I totally forgot about posting a Guest Blogger post….my mind was elsewhere so I apologize. This weeks post comes from someone who is very special to me, she has done the dating scene way too many times to keep count and has many stories of failed relationships under her belt. When I first read her contribution I could only laugh because I remember “The Youngin” all too well. It was her first experience with being the older woman and if my memory serves me right, it was her last. (well if you don’t consider her brief summer tryst with the twenty-one year old hottie with the tongue ring)
Let me take you back fourteen years ago
“Your sister can’t take a joke…..I got on her for double dipping and she took me seriously” He said laughing.
It was obvious that I wasn’t made out to be a matchmaker because my recent attempt to set my sister up with someone who had a career and a good head on his shoulders just went bust. She didn’t feel the love connection and mentioned that what he thought was funny, simply wasn’t. “The Youngin” had a unique sense of humor, heck we got along so I thought he would be great for my sister considering they were around the same age, plus I was dating his roommate Andy who constantly reminded me how other women thought he looked like “Tom Cruise”….. “I don’t see it”, I’d constantly say. Needless to say, me and “Tom Cruise” went bust as well.
My failed attempt to set my sister up with this young career minded twenty year old had a bit of a twist, the twist being that our innocent friendship turned into a relationship. I actually never saw it coming because I was six years older than him, divorced with children. Who knew he fancied older women?
He says our first kiss was at my house, I don’t remember. He says he asked permission before we had sex, I don’t remember that either. I’ll blame old age for these moments of forgetfulness.
I know that I really fell for “The Youngin” but that’s what he was, young. He had his whole life ahead of him and I knew that I wasn’t going to be part of his future, signs began to show themselves eight months into our relationship. Talks about moving to Colorado were more frequent, he planned to move to Colorado with his best friend to be part of the ski patrol. He would go to parties and head to bars without me, women would come to his apartment of course to hang out with his roommate but being an “experienced” woman I saw what he didn’t see…I saw the flirting,I saw the flirting with the women HIS age.
Jealousy and of course my insecurity raged it weary head . I remembered all too well the years I spent married to a man who lied, “flirted” and cheated. Somewhere in my head I wasn’t going to be a victim, I wasn’t going to allow this guy who had my heart to end up breaking it and of course breaking ME. It already hurt to see him socialize with his crowd, it hurt that I wasn’t part of his plans any longer,but why would I be? “No one is going to want you when you have been divorced and have two kids” is what whispered to me while I watched on while standing in the doorway. The man I had fallen for was inching closer to the young brunette on the couch, laughing….her fingers inching close to his leg. He was oblivious but I knew her game. It was that night I shut down …..It was that night the wall came up,it was that night I said “two can play at this game” as I glanced down at the promise ring he had just given to me a few months earlier.
I started to go out with my co-workers,if he could play with his friends, so could I. Shit, I never claimed to be very wise at that age and looking back now that was a very dumb way to look at things. Honestly, I knew eventually he would leave me and live his well deserved life.I didn’t want to be alone, single and thirty (although 30 was a long ways away) so what better way to cope then to find a replacement.
That I did …………
In my heart the youngin and I were already over . He was moving on, he was leaving that winter. We were just playing a part. Wasting each others time and maybe somewhere I was hoping he would choose me instead of Colorado.
(The last evening) He said he had come over to bring me a gift, I don’t remember any gift. I remember we weren’t talking….I remember arguing with him over the phone, telling him not to come over. I remember not caring. The wall was up and I was hurt.
I called “Fill in” guy earlier that evening, we went out, drank….came back to my house.”Fill in” guy was my drug of choice to help me get over The Youngin. There was a knock at my door…(I didn’t answer) …it was The Youngin, he tried my garage door (it was locked). I remember being scared. All I remember from the night is that I called the cops. The wall was up. I was hurt….ING. “Fill-in guy” left the next morning.
Things were never the same with “The Youngin” and I after that. He said we stayed together for a while after. I remember nothing after that night.
“Move here with me” He said.
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I had been through too much. I no longer used “fill-ins”,I was already thirty. I was a mess. He deserved better, someone without all the drama, sadness and darkness. I was beaten down by endless heartbreaks and what I needed to do was get a handle on myself.
“We can start over, date” he said.
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I shut down. The wall came up. He wasn’t going to get back in. No man was ever going to hurt me again.
Years later (present day)
“I know I didn’t mean much to you back then just by how you recalled our relationship, thank you for the insight. Friends is what we will be”, he said.
He didn’t get it of course, he meant something to me. Not in the way he would have liked, but I respected him. If I hadn’t then during my dark days I would have moved in with him, played him because I could, I would have pretended to be someone who I wasn’t just so I could be with someone. I could have reverted back to bad habits and made him “Fill-in” Guy 2.0; a newer version of the men I used to choose to heal the wounds of my brokenness. I chose not to. I chose to beat the darkness on my own.