Hilarious First Date Story

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Have you ever read something that was so funny that it left you in tears? I came across a story about a woman talking about a first date; what started off as a sweet and totally romantic evening turned into extreme horror…..it’s pretty much every girls nightmare. Flatulence.

Girls… we have all been there, we eat a little too much during dinner, we fall victim to sharing a desert with our date ( or partner), any stomach gurgles get ignored because you think you have plenty of time before you have to use the bathroom……and then it hits, normally when you are in a passionate embrace or sitting quietly in his car staring into each others eyes……..that sharp gas pain. Your eyes start scanning the proximity for a restroom, you start thinking of ways end the date without having to tell him the real reason why you need to cut the date short, beads of sweat start to form….he assumes the sudden glistening on your face is because of him not because you have a war brewing in your stomach.

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Take a moment and read The Fart That (almost) Altered My Destiny and then come back here!!

~you’re welcome~  ….take a breath, wipe those tears!!

It was worth it wasn’t it?? I bet you passed on that story to all your girlfriends and co-workers right?…if not don’t you think they deserve a bit of laughter?

Do you have any horrific dating stories? 

 

 

 

 

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Honey, my ass thanks you!

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They say that for your first anniversary the traditional gift is paper…. my husband took this info and ran with it! 

This morning as I slowly made my way into the living room I noticed a grocery bag laying on the coffee table with an envelope sitting on top of it …..hmmmmm, confused and still waking up I went and grabbed his neatly wrapped present and laid it next to the bag.

“Happy Anniversary honey, go open your present” he said.

“Couldn’t wrap it?”

“You know me, when have I ever wrapped anything?”

I opened up the envelope and read the sweet card…..then I picked up the bag, looked inside and pulled out a package of toilet paper.

“Really? Toilet paper ?” I said confused.

“The first year anniversary present is paper” he said laughing.

He had sent me flowers earlier this week so I knew this was a gag gift…..but part of me didn’t like the joke.

“Well, my ass thanks you…….now open your present”

My friend really needs to give up juggling!!

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It took every ounce of me not to say “I warned you, Karmas a bitch and now you are feeling her wrath” but I couldn’t, she’s still my friend but I did let her know how disappointed I was in her for breaking the heart of someone who always treated her well.

About a month and a half ago I wrote about my good friend Maries choice to leave Surfer Boy and go back to Mr.Douchebag (you can read about it here :Love doesn’t leave bruises) as far as I knew she had broken things off with Surfer Boy and was now probably walking on egg shells trying not to set off Mr.DB; she really didn’t mention much to me over the past month because I felt she knew I wasn’t a fan of her choice.

I was so wrong……she had taken up a new sport, juggling……men.

Friday evening I received a message through Facebook from Surfer boy…I thought it was a bit strange at first but figured he must be contacting me because he wanted to get her back. I was wrong. What I read was disheartening.

“I have been crushed to find out that Marie has been cheating on me. Next time warn me, I put my heart and soul into her only to find how sneaky and horrible she has been behaving has really hurt me. Hope she Is happy with “DouchBag”, she and that POS deserve each other. the open condom wrapper was the first sign, did I mention it wasn’t mine. I’m so grossed out and feel sick to my stomach Aloha”

I was shocked…..well actually no, I wasn’t shocked because this is typical Marie behavior she always has to have a back-up. I sent him back a message telling him that I was sorry that she hurt him but I thought she had ended things over a month ago.

“She had sex with me a week ago, it was a week ago today and it was right before I went to go teach her kids to surf all afternoon. i just went and bought a tree with her and her put it in her home. I feel all alone and betrayed and deeply sad and hurt. I treated her like my partner, her kids like my own. she had been planning a family with me. Marriage, kids, etc. I guess I wasn’t rich enough, I didn’t know she was so materialistic.”

The more I heard the more pissed off I became. She needed to stop this behavior, this wasn’t some playboy…. this was one of the good guys, plus there were kids involved. I went back to messages that Marie and I exchanged discussing her choice to leave Surfer boy for Mr.Douchebag and that per their “rules for reconciling” they could not have any contact with exes OR ELSE it was over….and they had to delete their Facebook pages. I knew this would be hard for Marie, but I also knew she would do anything to be back in the arms of DB.

As I was about to log off of Facebook I saw that Surfer Boy let his broken heart be known and told all of Facebook land that he has been cheated on. “Ohhh shit” ….. I had to let Marie know before she got a message from someone else. I pretty much told her that I was so disappointed to find out that she had been cheating on Surfer Boy and that I thought she had ended it with him. “Why are you getting involved?” she asked.  “He involved me….and now has involved all his Facebook friends”. She told me that Surfer Boy was in denial and that she hadn’t slept with him…..her story was full of holes and when I mentioned certain details that I knew she was silent. “You don’t know him so why share things with him that I told you?”

“You’re right I don’t know him…..but I know things you have told me about him. You told me that he reminded you of Terri…the man that you regret ever hurting….the man you cheated on for your now ex husband. Surfer boy was good to you and your daughters…he was genuine. He was one of the good guys that didn’t deserve to be cheated on or hurt. You NEED TO STOP THIS!! You need to stop hurting people and messing with people’s heart. You don’t like it when it’s done to you so why do it to others?”

She continued to tell me that he was crazy and delusional  …..which were things she would say about all the other men that she hurt in the past. I just wanted off this roller coaster ride ….  as the night went on, I didn’t hear anything more from her or Surfer boy.. I tried to shake off the funk but I knew deep down Marie was going to come face to face with Miss Karma herself.

“Douche Bag broke up with her, I sent him an email last night, now I’m the consolation prize but I’m not going to be anyones second choice” Surfer boy messaged me the next morning.

Damn!!!  Good for him I thought!  I told him that I was sorry that she hurt him and that he deserved someone who would be true to him and his daughter. Somehow I thought that I needed to apologize for my friends behavior but she’s a grown woman who created this mess…..so why was I apologizing for her? I was more embarrassed about her behavior than anything.

I never told her that I knew that Mr.Douchebag broke up with her and I never heard from Marie …… I didn’t think I would…..but something tells me that she’s not done with DB and she’s doing everything possible to clear her name. ….BUT if DB is really done with her than I hope she learns her lesson. This will be the first time (and I mean it!!) she will be without a man, she won’t have someone to help mend her heart or comfort her, she won’t have a man to feed her ego and whisk her off to beautiful places.

She needs to learn how to be alone ……

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Things my mother never warned me about

Between my sister and I, I’m the oldest. There have been many times throughout my thirty nine years that I wished that I had a big sister  (or a sane mother) who would give it to me straight regarding life and all its ups and downs, to tell me about the many “Prince Charmings” that would come my way and how to protect my heart from their fraudulent ways, to tell me to keep true to myself and never become a doormat and that it’s ok to cry.

As an adult there have been many moments where I would think “shit, thanks Mom for telling me” vowing to always make sure my kids would never have to utter those very words in their adult life.

Here are a few things that I have shared with my daughters (22 and 19) in recent years.

Use sunscreen, don’t use baby oil to tan you will see the damage the sun did to your skin many many years later. The sun is not your friend.

Arm jiggle it’s for real…..one day while you are brushing your hair you will see it, it will be waving back at you.

Pasta and bread ARE NOT our friend…..it will attach to your hips and some how make you gain 10 pounds overnight! We were not as lucky as my sister who has remained a size 4  all these years!!!

Follow your gut, yeah that nagging voice in your head-the voice of reason follow it. Sometimes you will try and negotiate with yourself….making excuses why you shouldn’t listen to your gut, but let me tell you……you will learn the hard way if you don’t.

Guys (some) will portray to be everything you want them to be at first but once they know they have you in a blink of an eye the man that was once about the “Iove yous” and being by your side turns into someone you don’t even recognize. Romance,sex, I love yous are no more …. he shuts you out, his friends and video games are more important …..when you bring this up, he will accuse you of wanting to change him or that it’s all in your head. It’s not in your head…..he’s the one that decided to go all Jeckyl and Hyde not you.

Don’t lose sight of your own passions, remain true to yourself!

If you feel he lies to you, call him out on it.

Men will break your heart and you may think you can’t go on without him……but you can. Grab some ice cream, put on your favorite movie and make a list of all the things that irritated the hell out of you when it came to him, pretty soon you will have two pages of red flags….and you will realize you are better off without him. (this totally works).

It’s true…..when the right one comes in your life, YOU WILL KNOW!!  He will show you that just because you may have a little spat he still loves you and isn’t going anywhere. He will show you love like no other. He will not change after he knows he has your heart……you will never have to doubt his love.

Experience life ….. travel, have fun, make your bucket list and knock some of them out before you have children. Make everlasting memories…you are still young!!

Women can be catty ….. it’s ok to have a few close friends. The amount of friends you have doesn’t measure your worth as a person….I would rather have 3 really close friends than 400 facebook friends that could really careless if I couldn’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans!!

Relationships are tricky….it’s best not to start one with blinders on. Those rose colored glasses, take them off!! Don’t make excuses for his temper…or if he physically or mentally abuses you, what you are with is NOT a man but a coward and a bully. You deserve someone so much better.

Do NOT under any circumstances have any of your exes play matchmaker, this will only end badly!!  They may say they are ok with setting you up with an acquaintance or friend but that’s not the case.

Learn to change your own tire, check your oil and always carry a blanket, water and a tool box in the trunk of your car.

 

Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

I felt like I was knee deep in high school drama again

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Last night I received a text from one of my dear friends, Marie (otherwise known as “The Maid of Dishonor”) I could tell by the tone of her message that she needed a little assistance to climb down off the ledge that her over active mind helped her up get up on.

“Omg, I’m going to blow!!! He never got rid of these. Are you freaking kidding me?, he’s still following these girls on Facebook. There’s at least ten of them”

The girls she is talking about are of a slutty nature  for example, Jenna Renee ..she sent me a screen shot of one of the women he’s following.

“This is a deal breaker” she said.

Instead of fueling the fire and climbing on the ledge with her, I decided that I wasn’t going to sugar coat things for her. She can’t control who he “follows” on Facebook ….she should know this by now and for heaven sakes it’s Facebook.

“You can’t control who he follows, he’s not liking them outright, he’s human, this is a small issue, nothing to get on his case about, YOU’RE DATING.  He stopped liking those scandalous pictures on his Instagram which updated to his Facebook page when you told him that you felt disrespected ….which it was considering you are helping him brand his image”

I knew she had snooped ….. nothing good ever comes from snooping.

“I disagree. I told him it bothers me and at this point it’s a matter of respect. We have been talking about getting married and this is pretty much a deal breaker. This is a red flag, I’m following my gut on this one”

I felt myself getting overly anxious, I told her she was being ridiculous and before she does anything stupid to really think about what she is doing. She has a habit of “self sabotaging” her relationships…..picking something small out and making it into a Mount Everest situation.  This man wasn’t her ex boyfriend who are a total pig – this man was the total opposite, he made her and her children a priority, he adores her, he isn’t about the drama or the scandalous lifestyle like her exes were.  I mentioned to her that she was letting her insecurities eat her alive, that if this bothered her so much to tell him in a matter of fact way, don’t bite his freakin head off. She already scared him enough with the whole Instagram debacle….shit she made the guy cry!!!! I also reminded her that he probably followed these girls way before she was even in the picture.

“I am very careful with what I put out there because of my job and the fact that I’m friends with clients and other parents, I don’t want to be linked to a guy I’m dating/potentially going to marry that follows a slew of sluts and secondly he uses FB to promote his business…he’s asking me to stand behind his image and brand but this is just trashy and creepy”.

I had a feeling she had an army of girlfriends fueling this man bashing session and I was the only one brave enough to tell her that she was not seeing clearly.

“It’s not like you are running for some government office, no one is going to dig that deep into who you are dating especially to see who he follows. Marie, you are so worried about him crossing the line or how others may see him but you can’t tell me that you don’t put on some extra charm while you are out at these black tie parties and red carpet events. You flirt….do you think that’s ok? Do you think that you are portraying the right image? I’m just saying don’t condemn this man when you aren’t a saint yourself. You can’t control who he follows….plus if you make a big to do about it you are going to remind him of his insecure, jealous ex-wife” I told her.

“why are you saying I flirt, I wouldn’t disrespect him like that. I bring him everywhere” denial…..urgh. It was like talking to a brick wall.

I was exhausted. I wasn’t going to continue to try to reason with her when that’s not what she wants. She’s looking for a way out of this relationship and in typical Marie fashion she is going to pick this one thing and go with it.

“Marie, please don’t make any rash decisions, sleep on it…call your therapist in the morning…..but if you won’t and you break this off because of this “deal breaker” then I hope you stand behind your decision and not waffle….like you tend to do once the guy grovels at your feet, stand firm in your choice and move forward…don’t look back, which you ALWAYS tend to do….don’t fall weakness to your loneliness. Let your choice to end it be the end of your cycle of repeating years of relationship -will never do agains”

She didn’t respond. I knew she wouldn’t.  She doesn’t like hearing the truth….when someone else (her friend Michelle) is stirring the pot and egging on the drama.  It was then that I shook off the heaviness of the past ten minutes, I couldn’t allow her drama become mine.  I know that she won’t see reason until she is happy in her own skin. Drama is usually due to needing attention, when the attention isn’t totally on her she usually bolts, fearing rejection. Granted at times when I have given her advice she will listen and agree that it makes sense but in the end she won’t change.

Would you pay to be cuddled?

Well, if you answered yes to this then there is a place in Madison, Wisconsin that you can go to have someone hold you. Here’s the kicker…the price for your cuddle session ranges from $60 an hour for a single hug, $120 for a double hug (whatever that is, maybe you’re sandwiched in between two bodies…kinda like an innocent form of a threesome) and over $400 to be cuddled by a complete stranger overnight.

An article came out about this Cuddles R Us and  I was curious, who were these high paying huggers? I went to their site…. The Snuggle House and I noticed that these huggers are quite attractive……well, besides the man who looks like a well maintained hippie. I can see how this could possibly attract some perve or those that have a hard time finding a cuddle partner of their own.

I understand their touch therapy method but I can go to a massage therapist and get the same results without the personal closeness of a stranger. I just find this concept quite strange…….because I know when I cuddle with my husband I feel a closeness to him, I want more………..and even before I was with my husband and was submerged in the whole dating scene, there were times that “we can just cuddle” led to more.

Maybe the Snuggle House is legit …. maybe they have  video cameras in each room and a panic button just in case a client takes the cuddle session too far but whose to say there aren’t copy cat snuggle houses that well……offer more than “just cuddling”.

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Lady, you got some balls!!!

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*Bing*

I looked down at my phone, “Coeli pinned one of you pins on Pinterest” the notification read. Ok, that name rang a bell….I let out a chuckle. The only Coeli I know (well not personally)  was my husbands  “not all there in the head” ex-girlfriend. “The girl has some balls” I said to myself. It’s one thing to secretly stalk an ex or their significant other but to make it known that you are checking them out is another thing.

Just to make sure that I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, I did confirm that it was her by just clicking on her picture. I was amused. “Honey, do you want to hear something funny?”, I told him about his ex’s recent action, he rolled his eyes and replied “she’s probably on the internet as we speak looking at all your posts”. “Well, she can look all she wants, she can read my blog and scope my Facebook…..she’s just going to see pictures and read stories about us”

Why now though, I wondered? I just remember all the craziness she created when she found out that my husband moved on and started dating me. She sent my daughter a Facebook message stating that her and my husband were married, that they have a wedding website, that she knew he was cheating when he would say he had to go out of town for work, she even called me a home wrecker. Her story just grew and grew….she even changed her Facebook picture to an old picture of the two of them. My daughter asked her to provide proof of the faux marriage, “send me a picture of your marriage license, a wedding picture and the wedding website, ohhh and why are you still using your maiden name why haven’t you changed it if you are MARRIED?”… she wrote back but Miss Crazy lady   never sent the proof that was asked of by my daughter, she just sent a couple more messages until my husband put an end to it.

Why she never messaged me was the weird thing, to involve my daughter was just further proof she was just out to hurt people. Not long after, my daughter told me that she went onto Miss Crazy lady’s Facebook page and noticed that she wrote a little blurb about moving on and called my husband a not so pleasant name. LOL.

All I have to say is, “Get a life!” ….WE DID.

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Men beware!! ~ Ghostly Adventure

Yesterday, I posted a request for fellow bloggers to share their Ghostly Adventures.I thought it would be fun considering it’s going to be Halloween in just a couple of weeks!! If you have a story you would like to share……you still can, just email me at valleygirlgonecountry@gmail.com.

I would like to share a story that I received from one of my favorite bloggers, Topaz. Thank you for sharing your story!!

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Years ago, I stayed at my sister’s house for a week while she and her family went on vacation. They had just moved into the house. At night I would hear faint sounds of a woman crying. I thought it was just my imagination, so I dismissed it.

About a month later, my brother-in-law began sleepwalking. He said that a woman’s voice would whisper his name, and in his sleep he would follow the voice. Each time he awoke after stumbling over toys or other items on the floor. One time he awoke in front of the kitchen counter and the knife drawer was opened.

My psychic mom didn’t get involved until one night when my brother-in-law woke up from sleepwalking and found himself at the top of the wooden basement stairs, teetering on the top step.

My mother forced the ghost to leave and told it to never come back. It turns out that (according to my mother) it was the ghost of a woman who suffered in an abusive marriage and she had an axe to grind with married men. She was trying to injure or kill my brother-in-law.

The reason the ghost didn’t try to hurt me was because I was single with no girlfriend when I stayed by myself at the house.

Guest Blogger – It’s not what it seems

Today’s post comes from a blogger who is honest about his daily struggles, who is committed to his faith and well…..you think I put myself out there he exposes himself like no other. His blog is a full admission of his day to day inner battles……..Topaz I admire your honesty. I am happy to share the lighter side of your life as seen in this post.

I hope you all enjoy!!

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I went to a newly-opened branch of a haircut franchise recently. It’s a place that I never intended to set foot inside: Knockouts. It didn’t necessarily have to do with my faith; I just didn’t want to go. Maybe I felt I was too old, like being caught leafing through an issue of Maxim at the grocery store, or maybe because I was an awkward teenager who was intimidated by beautiful cheerleader-types.

To be honest, my wife, Ayako, is the one that made me go to Knockouts.  Seriously.  She is a major coupon-clipper (nothing wrong with that since we survive on a teacher’s salary), and I’m not allowed to get my hair cut unless my wife has a coupon, which means I end up going to podunk mom-and-pop barbers in our small Texas town. I guess it’s because they’re the ones who need business the most and put out coupons with the best deals.

Barber shops are not good for people like me who dislike chit-chat.  It’s not uncommon for me to spend an hour in the chair; not because I have a lot of hair, but because the homely, bubble gum-chewing stylist starts complaining to the others about how the neighbor’s dog keeps pooping on her daisies. Before I know it, all the other stylists are chiming in with their own problems which almost always include men.

That’s why I was so surprised when my wife handed me a FREE coupon (first-time customers only) for Knockouts.  I thought it was a trap: As soon as I grabbed the coupon, air-raid sirens would go off, signaling the beginning of Ayako’s three-day silent treatment.

“Isn’t this the Hooters-style haircut place?” I said with just the right amount of naiveté.

“Yep.  Full of hot women.”

There was no sarcastic tone in Ayako’s voice. She’s from Japan, a nation which features the annual Festival of the Steel Phallus, so I wasn’t necessarily blindsided by her statement.

“Um, don’t you have any other coupons?”  I was getting anxious by then. I hated small talk, especially when life-sized Barbies and macho, drooling frat boys were involved. Flashbacks from high school filled my panic-stricken mind.

“No. None that are 100% off like this. “

That’s my wife.  She’d rather send me to be pampered for free by a harem of sorority girls than have me pay a whopping $9.99 at Texas Star Barber Shop down on Main Street.

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So I nervously made my way to Knockouts.  Never having been to Hooters due to my shy, reserved nature, I was afraid that my motor skills would break down and reduce me to a babbling idiot; or worse, I would accidentally glance at the wrong part of the stylist’s anatomy and get my ear gouged as payback.

There wasn’t much to worry about, though.

I don’t know if it was false advertising or just that the company had a hard time recruiting beauty queens in such a small town, but when I entered, it was completely silent and devoid of people.  Not even a sports game was playing on one of the big TVs.

A short, skinny girl who looked like she was skipping a day of junior high school greeted me.  She was wearing a t-shirt that was hanging on her like a camping tent.  Her black shorts were indeed short, but, compared with the girls that cruise the mall on weekends, the stylist’s shorts resembled my dearly-departed grandma’s britches.

The girl gave me an awkward, curt smile that clearly said, I know I look ridiculous, and you know I look ridiculous, so let’s just do this and be done with it, ‘k?

“Hi. My name is Opal, and I’ll be your stylist for today,” she said with the enthusiasm of a Walmart customer service employee.

Opal?! You gotta be kiddin’ me. No one has named their daughter Opal since the 19th century. It sounds like a Amish stripper’s name.

“Mind if I turn this on?” she said, not giving me a chance to respond as she flipped on Country Music Television at maximum volume.

Oh yeah, the coupon that my wife gave me mentioned free beer and massage.  There were no beverages in sight, however.

“Uh, the ad mentioned free beer,” I said like a dork.

“Ad?”

“Yeah, the coupon.”

Oh, great. Why did I have to say that? Now she’s going to do a crappy job since she knows I’m not paying full-price.

“No, sorry.  We don’t have any beer.”

Okaaay.  I wasn’t about to mention the massage.

Opal proceeded to lecture me on the history of our small Texas town since her family has been in the area for generations.  I learned about the year that Safeway first came to town and also how Opal’s grandmother was a star basketball player in high school, but, since I hate chit-chat, I just let her go on and on; I almost pretended to fall asleep.

As Opal was finishing up, I heard the front door open.  Wonder what kind of perv just came in?

As I walked to the register to pay, I saw who it was: a plain-looking housewife and her kid.  So much for stereotypes.

A month later, another Knockouts coupon was waiting for me on the kitchen counter.  This one was for returning clients.

I sighed.  Maybe they would have that free beer next time.

~t