Not even icy roads can keep me from chocolate!

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I kept peeking out the window in hopes that all the ice that covered the street had miraculously melted during the time that I was in the shower. No such luck, my craving for brownies was beginning to frustrate me. It wasn’t so much the brownie itself that I needed….I needed that yummy chocolate batter. This was as close to any sexual frustration that I have ever felt but there was no toy, no chocolate substitution that could take this edge off but that dang Pillsbury Funfetti Brownie mix.

I had an idea ….

I cornered my hubby in the hallway and gave him one of my flirtatious  “I have a proposition for you” looks.

“Soooo, I was wondering something”  smiling as I twirled a strand of my hair.

“Yesssss” he said.

“If you take me to the store to buy brownie mix I’d make it worth your while later” as I brushed my hand  against his cock.  “You don’t even have to change, I just need you to drive me …. the roads are too icy for me to drive”.    He laughed and headed to the garage, next thing I heard was him start up the car.

Who knew it could be that easy…..but he wins either way, he gets brownies and a little somethin somethin later on!!

So, yes……. I made brownies, thanks to my hubby who maneuvered his way through icy side streets to get me to the store. I also think he knew I was getting a bit stir crazy and needed to get out even if it was just for twenty minutes.

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And yes……I licked that spoon clean, along with any chocolatey goodness that was left in the bowl.

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Day two of being stuck inside: Can’t wait for spring

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School closures due to weather was something that rarely happened when I was growing up in Southern California, but on those rare occasions that the city shut down due to a dusting of snow I was thrilled…..I slept in, lounged around in my pjs, built blanket forts and tried my best to make a snowman out of slushy dirty snow.

What’s wrong?” my husband asked, as I let out a big sigh. I had just heard the weatherman say that the roads would be even worse than they were today and it would be best for all to stay inside tomorrow. “I just want to go back to work!!” . Geez, two days inside and cabin fever is finally taken over. “well, you can always work in the other room and organize it….that’s work” he said with a sly smile. That wasn’t my idea of work or fun. “yeah I plan on organizing my closet in a bit” I told him. I really have to find a place for my sweaters considering our kitties enjoy snuggling up against them and on some occasions knock them off the shelf.

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This is day two of being homebound due to the weather (day 5 of my long weekend) and icy roads, our backyard is covered in white……noooo not snow, sleet…..ice….slippery ice!! I wish it was snow, there would have been a family of snowmen decked out in scarves and hats in our yard by now.

I have read two books, cleaned the fridge, played countless games of fetch with Lily, watched hours of the History channel with the hubby and learned all about the Men who Built America, Pinterested my brains out, I’m craving chocolate….brownies (from a box) but due to the stupid icy roads I can’t go buy a mix….and before you say “just make some from scratch” I don’t have any coco, but I DO have hot coco mix ( I wonder if that would work) but that’s for later tonight when I have a desire for some Baileys and Hot Coco. I washed all the laundry and then some, caught up on my reality t.v shows, still didn’t learn my lesson and watched a few Ancient Aliens shows with the hubby and although the things those scientist say are a bit far-fetched I still wish they would just stop showing pics of those green bug-eyed aliens……but what’s even worse is this guys hair!! I’m all about volume but this is a little much.

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“I think I figured this whole time travel thing out” I said to my husband ….. he looked amused and listened intently. “So they (scientist and big hair guy) claim that we were visited eons ago by aliens who equipped our people with tools to make the pyramids and strange carvings in stones that NO ONE can figure out how it was done…..but it HAS to be aliens,they say……but maybe Seldon and Leonard did discover time travel, they went back with our tools now to the time of the great pyramids and showed them how it was done…but they couldn’t leave any evidence behind because that would alter the world as we know it, clearly makes sense!!”  he laughed and turned the channel, to something more entertaining….The Big Bang Theory!!

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It’s very clear that I need to go back to work and I hope that the sun comes out and melts all this stuff away but like my hubby and the weatherman has said over and over again……it may melt but it will just ice up when the temps are at freezing. Sigh…. “I just have things that need to get done and I miss work”, I mumbled.

hmmm….I wonder if I can find a recipe for brownies but tweak it a little bit with smashed chocolate chip cookies that it would taste good? I’m seriously on a mission to curb this craving!!

 

Hilarious First Date Story

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Have you ever read something that was so funny that it left you in tears? I came across a story about a woman talking about a first date; what started off as a sweet and totally romantic evening turned into extreme horror…..it’s pretty much every girls nightmare. Flatulence.

Girls… we have all been there, we eat a little too much during dinner, we fall victim to sharing a desert with our date ( or partner), any stomach gurgles get ignored because you think you have plenty of time before you have to use the bathroom……and then it hits, normally when you are in a passionate embrace or sitting quietly in his car staring into each others eyes……..that sharp gas pain. Your eyes start scanning the proximity for a restroom, you start thinking of ways end the date without having to tell him the real reason why you need to cut the date short, beads of sweat start to form….he assumes the sudden glistening on your face is because of him not because you have a war brewing in your stomach.

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Take a moment and read The Fart That (almost) Altered My Destiny and then come back here!!

~you’re welcome~  ….take a breath, wipe those tears!!

It was worth it wasn’t it?? I bet you passed on that story to all your girlfriends and co-workers right?…if not don’t you think they deserve a bit of laughter?

Do you have any horrific dating stories? 

 

 

 

 

My visit to the so-called “Witch Doctor”

Would you have anything for a head-ache?

For months now I’ve heard mumblings about a so called “Witch Doctor” who has the ability to just “know” about your aliment and treat you with some herbal supplements. Now, when I hear the words “Witch Doctor” my mind goes directly to some elder in some far off African village that is in full costume, chanting and conjuring up some mixture that he claims will heal you.

I was curious, to say the least. I knew I wouldn’t come face to face with an actual witch doctor or have to drive hours just to get to some spooky little village…but before I made the decision to go I did my research and read personal accounts about their visit to this “Doctor”.

Some said that when you meet with him he asks what’s on your mind, then he goes into a back room to pray, after several minutes he’d come back to them with a few papers and told them about their problems and what they could take to cure them of their ailment and offer some wise advice. Many claimed that his suggested supplements cured them when modern medicine failed them year after year.

So…..

Last Friday after a trip to the chiropractor (hoping to get relief from weeklong migraine) I decided to take a drive to see this “Witch Doctor”, what the hell right? The drive was quite pleasant ….I didn’t have to go down any back roads, or down some beaten path…. the place was right off a main street. His office was more like an herbal store, supplements lined the shelves along with smelly organic soaps and other trinkets, soft music playing overhead….as I scanned the room I didn’t see anything out of ordinary; I guess I was kind of expecting it to look more like a metaphysical store with the smell of patchouli lingering in the air……and in the far corner of the room was an older gentleman (the doctor) talking to a woman about her health and personal issues that have been plaguing her life. I didn’t feel right eavesdropping so after telling the lady behind the counter that I would like to speak to the “doctor” I took a seat on the other side of the shop.

I waited for about 15 minutes before I was called over. I took a seat in front of him and  waited for him to acknowledge me…..

“Your name”

(What no Hello?)

“It’s Jolene”

“What is on your mind?”

(Well a lot of things…..like why you are not being warm and welcoming)

“I struggle with migraines and they just seem to be getting worse. The migraines start on the lower left side of my neck and the pain intensifies as the day goes on. I also suffer from insomnia and would like to not have to be dependent on sleep medicine”

As I was telling him what was going on he jotted down a few things on an index card and then got up from his chair and headed into a backroom.  “Ohhh that’s probably his prayer room” I thought…. he was gone for maybe a couple minutes, not even that….. “Well that wasn’t long; I guess the big man upstairs gave him his answers” I thought to myself.

“You have Wilson’s syndrome which many doctors can’t diagnosis, it means you have a goiter and it’s on your left side of your neck”

I seriously wanted to laugh….I had a vision of an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine was visiting an elderly lady who had a huge goiter on her neck and Elaine couldn’t take her eyes off of it.

“I will prove it” he pulled out a white piece of paper which talked about Wilsons Syndrome, he told me that I needed to take my temperature twice a day and log it and then answer whether or not 50 of these issues that were listed on this sheet of paper applied to me ….for example, fatigue, pms, irritability, fluid retention…etc.  He also suggested that I take a supplement called Thyroid Aizle (3 in the morning and 3 at night), that I should eat more seafood and visit a tanning salon at least twice a week.

I told him that I don’t eat seafood and asked if he carried the supplement, he did. He grabbed it, handed me some papers and then got fairly close to me….looked into my eyes and said “you are very wise”.

That was it…..it was less than ten minutes, maybe 8 minutes to be exact. I got the feeling that this so called “prayer room” that he went off to was just a room holding papers and pamphlets explaining what he was diagnosing you with and how to go about seeking better health.

I paid for my supplement and headed to my car.

“That was it?” I said to myself…..as I drove back through the country to get back home my neck was starting to tighten up. This was the sign of being over adjusted earlier that morning…..once I got home I grabbed a couple Aleve, within an hour I was flat on my back unable to move.

“Shit I CAN’T win!!!” I iced my neck, rubbed my neck down with some Icy Hot and decided that I wasn’t going back to the chiro anytime soon!

Needless to say, I haven’t taken the supplements or followed the “Doctors” suggestion to take my temp twice a day and do the homework…..but I did catch myself looking in the mirror for any signs of a lump on the side of my neck….which there wasn’t any.  In my opinion the whole visit was a bit hokey; it definitely wasn’t what I expected at all.

Out for a walk…just me, the furkids and a few……cows

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The pups and I took a walk to the farm that is just down the street from me in hopes to see the two newest additions.

Our  walk was a success…..

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As soon as we started to head back home, the furkids and I had some company on our walk!!

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This totally made my day…. I have a feeling we made a few people laugh as they drove by ….it’s not every day you see a bunch of cows following a person walking their dogs!!

 

Hell must have froze over

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I’ve been in my head a lot lately… (more so than normal) this has only ended up in restless nights and daily headaches. I haven’t discussed this matter with my husband because he’d probably start to tune me out five minutes into my dilemma  plus right now, his ailing mother health is on his mind and that’s priority over my “little” situation.

See when I was a teenager, my mother made a comment that one day she would like to take my sister and I to Hawaii… just the three of us, she also made this comment one other time in my early twenties but it went in one ear and out the other.  So imagine my surprise when I got a message from my mother asking if I had plans later on this year because she wanted to take my sister and I to Hawaii….airfare and hotel included.

Yes I know I hear you “Ohhh wow, Awesome…Lucky” …. Noooo…..NOT AWESOME, NOT AMAZING, NOT “it’s time to prepare for swimsuit season”….there was no jumping up and down, actually come to think of it ….. I think I was actually sitting on the toilet when I was reading her message.  My first reaction was “There is no way in hell I’m going to be stuck on an island that’s surrounded by sharks with that woman!!” I reread her message again ….. I just want to relax and sit in the sun, you and your sister can do whatever.  Sure she says that now, but I know this woman…I know how she works.  If my sister and I went on our merry way and saw Hawaii in all it’s glory my mother would get her feelings hurt and pout if we didn’t include her, then years from now she will throw it in our faces that she paid for our trip to Hawaii and we just ignored her and when we remind her that she stated that all she wanted to do was relax and lay in the sun she will deny ever saying any of it.

Scenario after scenario played out in my head…. my sister and I deciding to get a few drinks down at the Tiki Lounge and my mother decides to come along and join in on Girls Night……she has one too many drinks and starts sharing a little too much about her and our father. This has happened before, it wasn’t girls night it was more like lunch at Applebee’s when my sister was in college…..it was just plain awkward.

Too much has happened between us that this gesture just seems kind of constructed. It’s almost like if I accept her invitation that every hurtful word, every manipulating action, every head game, every stab in the back would be erased. Does she not realize the countless hours, months even that  have been spent talking to therapists because of her mind games and the realization that her and my father were incapable of loving me….(which ties somehow into my past screwed up relationship choices) that they didn’t know how to distribute their love between both daughters and at times the way she behaved was just childish.What I want from her is not an all expense trip to Hawaii, I want an apology…..I want her to at least acknowledge that she realizes that her actions were not right. I would take a purely genuine hug over a trip to paradise from her ….. you know why? because I never had one…..her hugs were fake, I dreaded those pretend “lets show them we are a happy family” fake hugs.

I can just see it now…..you think those Real Housewives are crazy, I can just see us now…..tension building on the long ass flight over there…my sister doing her best to entertain the both of us, taking a xanex just to deal with her own stress.Once we are there…..we all come together for dinner, we start in on drinks….next thing you know someone says something, I react, mom denies…I don’t let her deny, my sister takes another drink and all hell breaks loose. …..my mom makes a dramatic exit, I pay the bill and tell my sister that I’m going for a walk and my sister stunned by what just happened,  slams down another margarita and says “Welcome to Paradise”.

My mother needs an answer in a couple of weeks, but in all honesty I don’t think I can take the time off from work, I think there is a plan to go on some riding trip later in the year so I need to save up my hours for that…..and I know there are two weddings coming up this year, one of which happens to be in California. I know my sister wants me to go and I guess that’s where my waffling is coming from….. if I had a normal relationship with my mother this wouldn’t even be an issue, I would make this work….urgh…I’m just getting a stomach ache just thinking about it. If I can’t have a conversation with her over the phone that leaves me feeling the need to shake it off and have a glass of wine how in the world am I suppose to manage to go on a mom/daughters weekend in Hawaii??

What did he just say?

“You’re just pleasantly plump”  he said in a cutesy little voice. I was mortified and by the look on Lily’s face so was she.

“Should I give her less to eat? I only sprinkle a little bit of cheese on her food and make her eggs on Sunday….it’s those dang Beggin strips huh? it could just be her winter coat”, Lily stood there looking violated as I was giving the vet excuse after excuse justifying her extra weight gain.

“No no she’s fine, she’s healthy but she shouldn’t gain anymore weight” he said.

“Hear that Lily?” she was ignoring me …. she was pouting….I didn’t blame her, I’d be pissed to if I was told that I was “pleasantly plump”.  She was only 20 pounds but she did gain 2 pounds since the last time she was there…..but I blame in on winter weight gain we all store up for winter right?

Later that day it was Darts turn to visit the Vet for his annual shots…..

“Dart…let’s get you on the scale” the vet assistant said.

“Come on Dart….stop being stubborn”

He resists going on the scale just like his Mommy does (me) …haha…I pick him up and the assistant and I blocked him from walking off the scale.

“20 pounds…..ok, the doctor will be with you in a minute”

No sooner as she leaves the vet comes in …..

grrrrrr” Dart says in a low growl.

“Dart, knock it off its the doctor”

I place Mr.Wanna Be Rott on the table while the Vet admired him,

“What a handsome boy you are, he’s 20 pounds!! ….you are all muscle, cute under bite……he’s so healthy”

“so his weight is ok?”

(because earlier you called his mom pleasantly plump and they are the same weight…is what I wanted to say, but I kept my mouth shut)

“ohhh yes, he’s very healthy”

Needless to say, Mr. Muscles and Miss Pleasantly Plump got Beggin Strips and some extra lovin when they got home because they had to get shots.

I’ve made a decision

At first I thought my gloominess was due to taking down all my Christmas decorations and saying good-bye to them for another year, I attributed my silent moments to just missing my children because this was the first year that we weren’t together for the holidays. It wasn’t until my husband and I were driving up to Branson Missouri when it finally hit me, “Shit, I’m going to be forty in a couple of weeks could this be why I’ve been in a funk?”.

I really didn’t expect for the gray gloomy age cloud to set in, I was ready to embrace this new age bracket with a smile……but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I put down the sun visor, looked in the mirror “I don’t look forty, I don’t feel forty,  I don’t have wrinkles and that strand of gray hair will last for about a minute longer” I said to myself.

I tried to think of all those that I knew that were forty and fabulous……and wondered if they went through a mini meltdown when the BIG 4 0 crept up on them? I know that I was a mess for days before I turned THIRTY….I’m not lying, I cried…..I mourned my twenties…..I got a tattoo, yep a tattoo….while others would party it up, drink, go on a sex binge, I got a tattoo. I seriously don’t know why I was having such a horrible reaction, my twenties sucked!! I should have been happy to turn thirty and as the day approached I welcomed the day with the flu “Happy 30th Birthday to me”. (sad face)

Once my husband and I finally made it to Branson we decided to grab a bite to eat….I knew I had to some how pull myself out of my funk, because I couldn’t have this gray cloud hanging over me this whole weekend.

“Honey, I’ve been thinking….”

He looked up from the menu “anxiously” awaiting to hear what was going to come out of my mouth.

“So to bypass this birthday bug and to keep the funk away I’ve decided that since 39 was a good year that I will do it again. I don’t FEEL forty, I don’t LOOK forty, I don’t have wrinkles, so there’s no need for me to turn forty!” I said with a smile.

“Well, we have a problem…..I bought a huge billboard sign going into town that says “Happy 40th Birthday Jolene”

“Then change it….you can edit it” I played along.

“So it will be your 1 year anniversary of your 39th birthday again?” he said.

“Glad that you’re on board, I feel so much better” we laughed as we ate our lunch.

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He had me going all day~ Our One Year Anniversary

The hubby really had me going all day on Saturday, as I mentioned earlier he got me a package of toilet paper for our one year anniversary…..the man missed his calling, he should have been a comedian.

During the day he stayed in his PJ’s while watching college football, I did a few things around the house and read a book…..it was very relaxing, around four he looked over at me and said:

So what do you want to do for dinner….I wouldn’t mind having tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich?”

Seriously?? grilled cheese sandwich and soup?? I kept my frustration at bay…and remembered that we are going out of town in a few weeks to really celebrate our anniversary.

“Well, I thought we were going out to dinner….but if you would rather stay in we could”

“No, we can go out ….where do you want to go?”

“How about you choose, considering I always pick”

He got up off the couch, gave me a kiss and told me to be ready in a little bit.

I started curling my hair….. “I wonder where we are going, uhmm what should I wear?” I headed into the bedroom to ask him but noticed that he was sitting on the couch, still in his sweatpants and t-shirt watching football.

I didn’t say anything, I just came to terms with the fact that he really wanted to watch college football, so soup and grilled cheese would be on tonight’s menu.

5:20 pm 

I noticed the time and I was getting a little hungry…..the hubby stepped outside to have a smoke so I went into the kitchen and started frying up some bacon to put in his grilled cheese sandwich and placed the soup on the stove to warm up.

“What are you doing?”  he said.

“Making dinner….I just figured since you haven’t showered that you decided that we should just stay in”

“I told you we were leaving at six”

“Hmmmm, you never told me a time ….at four you said we would be leaving soon”

“We are leaving at six….so you may want to get ready” 

I finished up frying the bacon and then headed to the bathroom to freshen up, you know….make-up, hair, a spritz of pretty perfume. I still didn’t know where we were going so I was waiting to see what he was wearing before I changed.

He ended up wearing something other than jeans so I knew we weren’t headed to Chili’s so I put on something nice and gave the furkids a kiss good-bye.

Still being left in the dark regarding our destination, I figured from the direction we were heading that we were having dinner in Little Rock….which was a nice change. 35 minutes later we found ourselves trying to find a parking spot in downtown, I knew now that he was going to take me to one of my favorite restaurants, Ristorante Capeo….it’s a bit on the pricey end but it’s romantic and the food is divine.

“Ohhh no, I don’t think we will be able to get in without a reservation” I thought to myself. He opened the door of the restaurant and said;

“Are you surprised?”

“Yes…I am, but we may need a reservation”

“Honey, I made the reservation two weeks ago and made sure to get the little heart table in the corner..you know the one we sat at the first time we came. I told them it was our anniversary” 

He had this planned all along….the tomato soup/grilled cheese suggestion was just a rouse.

As we sat down at the table, I looked at him lovingly ….

“You’re such a romantic…I can’t believe you planned to take me here all along….what would of happened if I told you earlier that I wanted to go to Chili’s?”

“I would have told you that I didn’t want to go there” 

Our meal was scrumptious and the tiramisu that we shared was everything that I remembered, yummilicious!!! I got up to use the little girls room and when I made my way back to the table I noticed that he had gone outside to have a smoke, but on the table was a box wrapped in gold paper with a little red bow on top.

My heart melted….

I picked up the box and mouthed to him from the other side of the window

“Honey….really? oh my gosh…can I open it?”

“YES” he said with a smile.

I unwrapped the box, pulled out the little box from inside…..I opened it up and I didn’t know what to say…I was speechless. It was a beautiful diamond heart necklace.

“It’s beautiful…I love you” I mouthed to him …

“I love you too” 

Once he came back inside, I gave him a big kiss……

“Happy Anniversary Honey” he said.

“Happy Anniversary Dear….I love you”

Honey, my ass thanks you!

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They say that for your first anniversary the traditional gift is paper…. my husband took this info and ran with it! 

This morning as I slowly made my way into the living room I noticed a grocery bag laying on the coffee table with an envelope sitting on top of it …..hmmmmm, confused and still waking up I went and grabbed his neatly wrapped present and laid it next to the bag.

“Happy Anniversary honey, go open your present” he said.

“Couldn’t wrap it?”

“You know me, when have I ever wrapped anything?”

I opened up the envelope and read the sweet card…..then I picked up the bag, looked inside and pulled out a package of toilet paper.

“Really? Toilet paper ?” I said confused.

“The first year anniversary present is paper” he said laughing.

He had sent me flowers earlier this week so I knew this was a gag gift…..but part of me didn’t like the joke.

“Well, my ass thanks you…….now open your present”