Never claimed to be Mrs. Molly Homemaker

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I can hold my own in the kitchen, I’m no Rachel Ray by any means but I have a few dishes that I make that leave people saying “mmmm that was good!”. I have cookbooks galore that I skim through occasionally for new ideas, an “PIN” yummy must trys on Pinterest daily and when I get control of the remote 9 times out of ten the channel gets turned to the Food Network.

In the past couple of months the hubby has given some rather “helpful” suggestions for making the my cooking process easier. “You should prep our meals for the week”, “While making dinner you should prep for tomorrows meal”, “Guy marinates his meats overnight, you should try that”. Although his suggestions were received with a smile I kindly reminded him that I will not be prepping meals ahead of time (been there done that) and he is always welcomed to utilize the kitchen to make meals anytime he wants. “You know I don’t cook, I just don’t know why you can’t do step A and B then C and D tomorrow” he said.  Although, I understood his point… but for a man who has pretty much survived on PB&J sandwiches and Oreo cookies before we were married he just needs to just sit on the couch and leave the cooking to me…..I don’t suggest easier ways to go about tending to our yard or claim to be Bob Villa, I know my place.

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I’ve tried to explain to him that “prepping” meals isn’t as easy as it may sound, it takes time A LOT of time and I have tried this numerous times when the kids were younger but ….it just isn’t something that I enjoyed doing….BUT  if I knew that the pots and pans would be cleaned by him then maybe I would rethink the whole meal prepping idea.  We can all guess what his answer to that one was.

I know of families that prep their meals but they have children at home and a busy lifestyle where prepped meals make sense; but it’s just the two of us…. I just don’t see the need to prep meals.

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I did “entertain” the idea of prepping our meals not so long ago and came across a couple of blogs that are all about this crazy idea……….It didn’t take me long to laugh out loud and say “OH HELL NO” especially when I saw the kitchen sink full of mixing bowls, pots and pans, but I kept reading …… skimming their weekly recipes and knew instantly that my hubby wouldn’t be down with a weekly rotation of ground turkey, chicken breast and ground beef….he would definitely question the little grainy things on his plate which I would later have explain what quinoa was and why it doesn’t really have any flavor.

“Honey you knew I wasn’t Molly Homemaker before we got married but I haven’t made you sick, your food isn’t burnt and you seem pretty pleased with your meals…but if your compliments about how good dinner was were just little fibs then you know where to find the Peanut Butter and Jelly …and the bread is over there”  I told him as I headed to the bathroom with the furkids to give them a bath.

mind you, it was late evening….about 8pm, yeah I have PLENTY of time to prep meals. 

 

My visit to the so-called “Witch Doctor”

Would you have anything for a head-ache?

For months now I’ve heard mumblings about a so called “Witch Doctor” who has the ability to just “know” about your aliment and treat you with some herbal supplements. Now, when I hear the words “Witch Doctor” my mind goes directly to some elder in some far off African village that is in full costume, chanting and conjuring up some mixture that he claims will heal you.

I was curious, to say the least. I knew I wouldn’t come face to face with an actual witch doctor or have to drive hours just to get to some spooky little village…but before I made the decision to go I did my research and read personal accounts about their visit to this “Doctor”.

Some said that when you meet with him he asks what’s on your mind, then he goes into a back room to pray, after several minutes he’d come back to them with a few papers and told them about their problems and what they could take to cure them of their ailment and offer some wise advice. Many claimed that his suggested supplements cured them when modern medicine failed them year after year.

So…..

Last Friday after a trip to the chiropractor (hoping to get relief from weeklong migraine) I decided to take a drive to see this “Witch Doctor”, what the hell right? The drive was quite pleasant ….I didn’t have to go down any back roads, or down some beaten path…. the place was right off a main street. His office was more like an herbal store, supplements lined the shelves along with smelly organic soaps and other trinkets, soft music playing overhead….as I scanned the room I didn’t see anything out of ordinary; I guess I was kind of expecting it to look more like a metaphysical store with the smell of patchouli lingering in the air……and in the far corner of the room was an older gentleman (the doctor) talking to a woman about her health and personal issues that have been plaguing her life. I didn’t feel right eavesdropping so after telling the lady behind the counter that I would like to speak to the “doctor” I took a seat on the other side of the shop.

I waited for about 15 minutes before I was called over. I took a seat in front of him and  waited for him to acknowledge me…..

“Your name”

(What no Hello?)

“It’s Jolene”

“What is on your mind?”

(Well a lot of things…..like why you are not being warm and welcoming)

“I struggle with migraines and they just seem to be getting worse. The migraines start on the lower left side of my neck and the pain intensifies as the day goes on. I also suffer from insomnia and would like to not have to be dependent on sleep medicine”

As I was telling him what was going on he jotted down a few things on an index card and then got up from his chair and headed into a backroom.  “Ohhh that’s probably his prayer room” I thought…. he was gone for maybe a couple minutes, not even that….. “Well that wasn’t long; I guess the big man upstairs gave him his answers” I thought to myself.

“You have Wilson’s syndrome which many doctors can’t diagnosis, it means you have a goiter and it’s on your left side of your neck”

I seriously wanted to laugh….I had a vision of an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine was visiting an elderly lady who had a huge goiter on her neck and Elaine couldn’t take her eyes off of it.

“I will prove it” he pulled out a white piece of paper which talked about Wilsons Syndrome, he told me that I needed to take my temperature twice a day and log it and then answer whether or not 50 of these issues that were listed on this sheet of paper applied to me ….for example, fatigue, pms, irritability, fluid retention…etc.  He also suggested that I take a supplement called Thyroid Aizle (3 in the morning and 3 at night), that I should eat more seafood and visit a tanning salon at least twice a week.

I told him that I don’t eat seafood and asked if he carried the supplement, he did. He grabbed it, handed me some papers and then got fairly close to me….looked into my eyes and said “you are very wise”.

That was it…..it was less than ten minutes, maybe 8 minutes to be exact. I got the feeling that this so called “prayer room” that he went off to was just a room holding papers and pamphlets explaining what he was diagnosing you with and how to go about seeking better health.

I paid for my supplement and headed to my car.

“That was it?” I said to myself…..as I drove back through the country to get back home my neck was starting to tighten up. This was the sign of being over adjusted earlier that morning…..once I got home I grabbed a couple Aleve, within an hour I was flat on my back unable to move.

“Shit I CAN’T win!!!” I iced my neck, rubbed my neck down with some Icy Hot and decided that I wasn’t going back to the chiro anytime soon!

Needless to say, I haven’t taken the supplements or followed the “Doctors” suggestion to take my temp twice a day and do the homework…..but I did catch myself looking in the mirror for any signs of a lump on the side of my neck….which there wasn’t any.  In my opinion the whole visit was a bit hokey; it definitely wasn’t what I expected at all.

Come on now….really?? chocolate???

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I received some awful news yesterday. It was one of those “Shut up, that can’t possibly be” type of news. I was just sitting there waiting for her to crack a smile and say “I’m kidding”, but that never happened.

How are you feeling? Did your migraine go away?” a co-worker asked.

“it’s not as bad as it was, but I probably overdosed on chocolate which brought on the migraine”….I said, JOKINGLY.

“You DO know that chocolate is a trigger for migraines right?”

“SHUT UP!! You’re kidding…..” I waited for her to say she was joking.

“No really, have you ever read up on what triggers migraines? Chocolate is one of them” she said.

Now….I wasn’t going to argue with her, she knew her stuff…..plus she runs the clinic. So she should know a thing or two about medicine.

“Thanks for delivering the worse news EVER” I said laughing as I looked at the Frankenstein bowl filled with chocolate in front of me. “Stupid ass chocolate, next you’re going to say that wine, olives and bread are triggers as well”. She laughed….as we headed out to our cars.

This can’t be true, I thought to myself as I was driving home. I did eat a good consumption of Twix and KitKats earlier that day, but I was stressed out……urgh I need to move the bowl. I can’t have my death certificate  read “Death by Chocolate”.

Once I got home, I logged onto my computer and typed in “Migraine Triggers” ….. Please let her be wrong, I said to Lily my furgirl……but she wasn’t.

Migraine Food triggers

Here’s a partial list of major food triggers, according to the National Headache Foundation.

• Ripened cheeses (such as cheddar, Emmentaler, Stilton, Brie, and Camembert)
Chocolate
• Marinated, pickled, or fermented food
• Foods that contain nitrites or nitrates (bacon, hot dogs) or MSG (soy sauce, meat tenderizers, seasoned salt)
Sour cream
• Nuts, peanut butter
• Sourdough bread
• Broad beans, lima beans, fava beans, snow peas
• Figs, raisins, papayas, avocados, red plums
• Citrus fruits
• Excessive amounts (more than 2 cups total) of caffeinated beverages such as tea, coffee, or cola
• Alcohol (including red wine and beer)

I’m screwed …..  hahaha…… at least it doesn’t mention olives, I love olives!!  Okay, so I guess if I have tiny amounts of chocolate, cheese, sourdough bread, tea and of course wine I shall be able to keep the migraines at bay….but I also have to stop stressing myself out to.

I hope I didn’t ruin anyone else’s day by this news.

Just blame it on my hips!!

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I finally went to an Orthopedic doctor to see what exactly is going on with my left knee. My knee has been giving me issues since I injured it in junior high….jump roping “Go figure”!!  Well, about a year ago I started running  and well, I don’t run…..but it’s the only thing that seemed to help me shed the weight. While running, pain would hit which I can only describe as someone taking an ice pick and stabbing it below my knee cap.

About a month ago, I reinjured it some how…… “you don’t remember how you hurt your knee?” you ask. That’s correct. I woke up one morning with a huge bruise on my knee and the pain was just not in one area it spread…..this was the morning after experiencing my first and LAST Ambien sleepwalk. I was no longer able to squat without feeling some tearing and burning……kneeling was now painful. Call me a glutton for punishment or …..well a wife who enjoys the touch of her husband because about two weeks ago while in the throes of passion and not giving a care in the world about what position I was in I pushed the pain that I felt in my knee aside and focused on the pleasure….boy was I paying the price later!! But it was worth it.

Friday, after meeting with doctor he told me that I have:

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Otherwise known as “Runners Knee”. Really??? I get runners knee even though I don’t run….REALLY?? he told me that he wanted me to go to Physical Therapy to strengthen the muscles around my knee and hopefully this will take care of any and all pain.

When I got home and relayed the news to my husband he said the same thing “Uhm but you don’t run”, “yes I know” I responded…..as he glanced down at the papers the doctor provided, he started to read the “How does this occur?” section.

“Honey did you read this?” he asked.

“No, not really I just glanced at it”

“ it pretty much says your wide hips could have played a part in this”

“shut up….. hahaha”

I looked at what he was reading and wouldn’t you know ……………..

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stupid hips!!!

Baby got back!!

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I was cursed blessed with curves and the ability to gain weight in my butt just by smelling carbs!!  No joke….I can walk into a bakery and within seconds I can feel my ass getting bigger!!

I have come to the realization that I will never have a tiny butt, no amount of squats or cardio will help ….yeah it may tighten it some but why kill myself with tedious exercise when I can just come face to face with reality that I will never be a size four like my sister.

I think my hubby thought he offended me Monday night because this morning he was back peddling …it was very cute.

When my husband came home from work, Lily went running up to him for some loving….while wagging her tail and waiting for kisses he bent down loved on her for a little while then he mentioned to her in a very sweet tone that she was getting a little round and throws in that her  and I have matching round bottoms. Ok, so my ass isn’t Kardashian like but I have some cushion ……and yes maybe I have gained a few extra pounds but I still fit into my clothes so there isn’t any real urgent need to starve myself or pick up a bottle of Alli at the store!!   The comment did hit a small nerve…..memories of being called bubble butt by my father came to the surface…..and after dinner I took both furkids out for a walk (separately) just to jump-start …….what??? A stupid diet and exercise regime that I decide to begin and never finish??  I took Dart first…..I warmed up with a brisk walk and then we started to run……NOW, the ONLY reason  I started to run was because I knew running was what help me shed the pounds once before, I don’t run for fun (like my sister)……running was made to RUN AWAY from things like ax murders, zombies and scary furry creatures.

Later that evening while I was tending to my throbbing knee (old injury, which was only made worse by running) my husband asked why I pushed myself and nonchalantly I mentioned it was because I was getting a “little round”. He bent over and kissed me and told me that he loves my butt and always has.

Yesterday came and went ….. I was very quiet only due to the fact that I only slept for three hours and I was extremely tired……he asked a couple of times if I was alright, “yes honey I’m just tired…..you and lily were snoring and dart was licking his lips all night” I told him.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I heard my husband saying good-bye to our furkids. “Lily you’re so pretty, your bottom isn’t so round….it’s just right……just like your mommy’s,   I like your mommy’s bottom, I wouldn’t want her to get all skinny because I wouldn’t have anything to hold on to”.

He was sooooooo trying to back pedal from the other day….I found it cute. I was never mad at him or hurt by his comment. It’s true that I may need to tone up my backside because no one wants to see a sagging butt………so maybe I will just start by limiting the amount of carbs I inhale and maybe just maybe I will pop in one of those exercise DVDs that’s gathering dust.

Mom…… I’m late

A month ago…..

“Mom, I haven’t had my period in a month and a half”

I was thankful that my husband decided to go outside the restaurant for a smoke at that moment, thankful that my daughter Ann decided to wait until we were alone before she sprung that on me and thankful that I had a full glass of wine in front of me.

“Hmmm ok, first question…you have been here for a day and a half and you decide to tell me now? Were you waiting till I was a little tipsy before you told me? I smiled……..because smiling is better than my “what the heck” face and this wasn’t the time to jump to conclusions and start registering for baby stuff.

She told me that she was unsure how to come out and tell me but thought that this time was better than any. We talked for a few more minutes until my husband came back to the table …… I pretty much told her that I would go and buy her a test to see if I would be a grandma at the ripe old age of 40!

The test showed negative…both of them.

Yesterday …….

“Ann have you started yet?”  She told me no ……. I told her that she should see a doctor and I  suggested an OB/GYN just so she could just get down to the nitty gritty with this whole situation. “Can you call and set one up….you know all about that stuff and I don’t know what they will need”……fine…… “You know they will have to do an exam on you” I told her.  This would be her first visit to a Gyno…..and you would think she would be asking questions about the stir-ups and that special silver tool that us women so enjoy, but no……… “Mom will they take my blood?” … “uhmmm yes, to see if you are pregnant or not…..I had a false negative when I was pregnant with your sister; grandma took me to the ER and one blood test ,2 bags of IV fluid later and a few evil looks from grandma… we found out that I was indeed pregnant…..so yes they will give you a blood test”.

I told her that there’s nothing to worry about and that the first time I went was when I was fifteen. “You were fifteen?” she said. “Yes, it was a week after Jenny and I “ran away” for the weekend….your grandma jumped the gun, thought I had been out whoring around and had to have me checked out” thankfully the doctor excused my mother out of the room and told me that my mother was a little out there with her accusations. Ann and I had a few laughs over that little tidbit!!

“Ohhhh and Ann, before you go to your appointment make sure you shower……..and not just a quick 2 minute shower. No doctor enjoys going down there knowing that their patient didn’t have the courtesy to shower before the visit”……..I’m blunt, my mother never clued me in on the must knows, granted I wasn’t stupid, I showered……. “MOM!!” she laughed. ….  “I’m just sayin’ Ann,  BELIEVE ME!!! I hear stories ALL the time….so shower good and put deodorant on….throw on some light perfume” I was being silly now, but it was the only way to lighten the situation…..because girls, we all know how nervous we were during our first time and I’m not talking sex!!

 

to be continued …… 

 

Flushing the fat away

Pinterest ….man do I love you!!! Seriously, what was I doing before this delightful little thing came into existence?

I’m a fan of  the recipe boards, some recipes have been a huge success and well some have seen the bottom of the trash can or not even looking like the original Pinterest picture, for example my creation would look something like the “Nailed it” picture……granted it may taste good the presentation was lacking a little “something”.

PicMonkey Collage

I won’t even attempt any of the “do it yourself, it’s easy as pie” crafts anymore because what’s easy for some, isn’t so easy for me…it  just leaves me frustrated …. a little tipsy because through the frustration I had to pour myself a glass of wine and the “easy as pie” project turns into a jumbled mess.

Last night before I fell into a Pinterest coma I found something that I am going to try.

 “LOSE 5-10 POUNDS” Cranberry  Fat Flush.  (Featured in Health magazine)

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Now, it can’t be as bad as that Lemonade Diet; aka Master Cleanse ……I lasted 3 days on that before I had my fill of Lemons,Cayenne Pepper and water ……yuck. I did great on the Dukan Diet though, lost a good 17 pounds in 3 weeks and may go back on it……but it takes WILLPOWER!!!

So the recipe is:

     1 cup unsweetened cranberry juice + 2 TBSP of ground flaxseed + water to fill a 1 liter bottle.

You have to shake it up every single time, to make sure you get some of the flax seed, and it’s like drinking a slightly sour water. Drink  for a week.

Sooooo I’m going to give it a try, well there’s no trying about it …..I HAVE to do it…..this morning I went to the store and picked up the cranberry juice…NOT Ocean Spray, I picked up some ORGANIC cranberry juice (i’m going to do this right) granted the price for this juice almost made me give up before I started this dang flush……$8.00 ??? well, I spent more on diet pills in my lifetime that I think I can DeScrooge myself and pay the stinken $8.00. Then I started looking for flax seed…….what an adventure…..first off, what the heck is flax seed? and secondly, what aisle would that be in?? …….well it wasn’t in the cereal aisle, baking aisle, nuts aisle or the organic aisle ….it wasn’t in that store period. So today at lunch I will hit the health store to pick up this flax seed.

To read more about the actual flush it’s here:

http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20602197_last,00.html

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Stay tuned ………