A walk down memory lane

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Sunday morning Ann (my daughter) and I went into the shed to grab some of her boxes that were filled with her childhood memories, inside one of her boxes was a journal that I started on December 4,  1986….I was 12. I briefly went though it and laughed at a black and white photo of Kirk Cameron that I had taped to one of the pages with the words “ I love Kirk Cameron” written on the other page.

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Last night I opened up my journal and instantly tales of my childhood came alive, reading about growing up in Catholic school was quite entertaining, because that’s where I got my first taste of cliques and how to survive being on the chopping block. Every week it seemed someone upset the “leader” of the group and on this particular day I was cast out of the group …. and now was taken in by the “goody two shoes” of our class.

Nancy hates me and I’m trying to figure out why all she said was “I hate you and I’m not kidding” I’m thinking it was because I wasn’t loud enough in cheerleading practice.  

A couple of months later…. in big black marker appeared “Nancy is no longer here, she went to a new school” and all was right again.

Page after page was a synopsis about my day and an update on the status of my grade school crush was at the bottom in red ink, the funny thing was is one week I’d like him, two weeks later I hated him just to turn around a week later to state how I like him again.

Some memories didn’t leave me laughing, as I continued reading the words of my twelve-year-old self; I was reminded of the many times I got a “lickin” (spanked with the belt) for something my sister had done or for trying to stand up for myself…which never went in my favor.

“my dad took the calico vision out of the playroom and put it in my sister’s room because she wanted to play with it. It was given to both of us for Christmas but she cried because she wanted it in her room, now my dad switched our television sets and guess what ….when I went to turn it on, it doesn’t work”

From what came next didn’t play out in my favor and no amount of trying to get my point across worked because I ended up getting grounded. I still hadn’t learned to just keep my mouth shut. 

One thing that became apparent on those pages was how a childhood friendship was changing and the things that I wrote about back then hadn’t really changed much from the present day. I felt the frustration that my younger self felt as she was trying to make sense of why her friend felt that she had to pretend to be something that she wasn’t just to fit in.

“Marie is acting weird. I don’t know I think it’s because she has stuck up friends and she’s trying to be like them”  , “Marie called and said she couldn’t go to my birthday party because she was going to skateland with her friends from school. She knew about my party since December” , “ I don’t know why Marie invited me to her sleepover when she planned to ignore me. She’s starting to act like them, why would someone want to act like an airhead?”

I don’t know why it was so important for me to hold onto this friendship so tightly, my only guess was the promise we made as little girls to remain friends forever. No matter the changes that I saw in her as time went on I still held on tightly to that promise making excuses for her behavior, always baffled why she thought she had to “play” a certain part for her friends or the people she surrounded herself with.  It wasn’t until very recently that I decided to put our friendship to rest and to leave the memory of those two little girls who at one time were inseparable in the past…where their friendship was carefree and innocent and not plagued by “growing up”.

What surprised me as I continued to read the pages of my journal was that I kept coming back making small entries….sometimes they were quick updates or details of my broken heart. The last entry was August 1996 … I think I will just leave a little note that says  “For a recent update just google Valley Girl Gone Country” . 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A bittersweet birthday weekend

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Thursday seemed more like my birthday then my actual birthday which was Saturday, my co-workers spoiled me rotten with a delicious chocolate cake, lunch of my choice…. which was McDonalds, a hilarious card and a few gifts. I was also pleasantly surprised when I got an edible arrangement from my father. I admit his gesture did leave me a bit perplexed because my father doesn’t do things like this…..the message didn’t say “Happy Birthday”, just “Hope your “big day” goes well” from Daddy Jack.  No Love Dad, No Love Mom and Dad….just from Daddy Jack. Ok….well the gesture was nice and quite yummy.  Later that evening my daughter Ann finally arrived and I was not only relieved that she was home but that she arrived safe and sound…..although no parent wants to hear “I almost fell asleep a couple of times while I was driving” and when I heard those very words spill out of her mouth I made a mental note to give her my Starbucks gift card before she headed back to Nebraska on Sunday.

KittyFriday was a long day ….. I took our newest furkid, Penny (the stray kitty) to the vet only to find out that she is 22 days pregnant, “congratulations you are going to be a grandma” the vet assistant said as she gave me a picture of the ultrasound. I looked down at the picture and the only thought that I had was “Holy Shit, how am I going to deliver this news to hubby”.  The Doc came in and discussed several options…. “she’s still early along in her pregnancy that we can spay her still, just don’t wait too long”….he must have seen the look on my face because the subject just wasn’t something I wanted to think about….”I will have the nurse come in with some estimates”. Ok.   —– Long story short, Hubby made the decision to have her spayed, there was no debate or argument…it was just how it was going to be. I called the Vet and made the appointment (and made it clear that it wasn’t my choice, they knew) he took her in this morning.

Later that day we made the trek to Oklahoma (five hour drive), we were meeting up with his family to see his ailing mom. It broke my heart to see the sadness in my husbands eyes when he held his moms hand and whispered a sweet message in her ear …but instead of breaking down, I stayed strong…for him. Once his brothers arrived at the nursing home, I made certain that they were left alone with her…… my daughter Ann decided to make friends with some of the elderly ladies that were on the same wing as momma, one in particular really took to my daughter….her name was Lola and for the next couple of days when we went to visit momma….Ann made her way to Lolas room to spend some time with her. Ann really has a gift……the compassion and love she has for people is just amazing. She’s certainly not shy but she never was …haha…she just has always had this knack for striking up conversations with strangers.  After visiting with Momma, we joined the rest of the family for dinner at a steakhouse and boy I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into a good tasty steak and dive right into a fully loaded baked potato….see my ass has been on a diet for a couple of months, my goal was to lose 20 pounds by my birthday….I was 3 pounds shy of meeting my goal but I rewarded myself that night!!

This was the only picture taken of me this weekend. I would have smiled if I knew I was being photographed. :)  this is me and my niece playing a game on my phone.....Ann is busy texting her boyfriend and the hubby is yapping about something.

This was the only picture taken of me this weekend. I would have smiled if I knew I was being photographed. 🙂 this is me and my niece playing a game on my phone…..Ann is busy texting her boyfriend and the hubby is yapping about something.

Saturday (my 40th bday) morning I woke up expecting to see a head full of gray hair but when I looked at myself in the mirror all that came to mind was “fuzzy wazzy was a bear” my hair for some reason lost all its curl from the night before and now was a frizzy mess…….my curling iron and straightener were at home, 5 hours away so I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and did my best to calm the frizz.

I thought I would hear a “Happy Birthday” out of my husbands mouth when we first woke up….but I was wrong. It came an hour later in a mumbled tone…… I kept telling myself that it wasn’t about me today, well not while we were in Oklahoma, we would celebrate my birthday later in the evening when we got home.  We headed to the nursing home and spent a couple of hours with Momma, she opened her eyes a bit but that was all……I knew family would be coming by shortly so I gently washed her face, combed her hair, put lotion on her face and hands and spoke to her like she could hear us. After our visit, we joined the rest of the family for breakfast, made one last trip to the nursing home and headed home…..5 hours later we were back in Arkansas  (7 pm) , we decided to go to Anns favorite restaurant  here in town which has a huge seafood buffet and although I can’t stand seafood, we went because she doesn’t come out here often and plus it put a smile on her face…….so while the two of them ate shrimp, crawfish and other fishy food I had the salad bar and a few things that weren’t seafood related that was on the buffet. I just knew once we got home I could have a large slice of chocolate cake……so I was saving room for my desert.

Once home we were welcomed at the door by some very excited furkids, boy did I miss them!  when they were settled and fed, I checked my phone and saw that there was a voicemail from my parents…..I hit play expecting to hear both of them wishing me a Happy Birthday, but it was just the voice of my dad saying Happy Birthday.  It didn’t surprise me at all that I didn’t hear the voice of my mother saying “Happy Birthday”  along with my dad, that’s her…..she has her reasons for being who she is. It pretty much showed me that I made the right decision to forgo the Hawaii trip. Ok….it sucked, I had hopes that this year would be different…..I was hoping to take baby steps towards mending our very broken relationship, but who am I kidding. I knew better…..it made sense why my moms name wasn’t on the special delivery I received at work on Thursday from my dad.

I put my phone away and headed to the kitchen to devour a slice of cake…..and once that piece of heavenly goodness touched my tongue, I wished myself a Happy Birthday ….the only thing missing was a nice glass of wine to wash down the chocolaty desert.

Sincerity bit me in the ass ….

I just heard the most hilarious thing ever…..actually it was borderline ridiculous, nauseating and hilarious all rolled into one.

The town I grew up in is quite small, well not one traffic light small but small enough that people like to share other people’s business with others for example; recent hook-ups, who’s dating who, guess who’s getting divorced and guess who I spotted with your ex.

At this point in my life if Mr.Crazy found happiness then good for him…..everyone needs to find their true love, right? so, when I heard that an old schoolmate of mine was now dating him I wasn’t too shocked because again, it’s a small town and nothing surprises me anymore.

While on Facebook the other day I saw her on another friends (schoolmate) page and friended her, because at one time we did hang out in high school and I truly wanted to see how things were going on in her life. Then today while skimming my lovely Facebook page there was a picture of her with Mr.Crazy… the first reaction I had was to find the nearest trash can because just seeing him made me want to throw up my just consumed skinny vanilla latte. “What the hell did I ever see in him…..UCK!”  I thought to myself.  It’s pretty much the same reaction when I see the woman who my husband use to date “UCK!!” ….. seriously I have no idea what he saw in them…..one looks like a stocky tranny.  ….BUT love is blind.

After my nausea passed I actually was happy for my schoolmate, she looked happy. I sent her a quick message stating that I wished them the best, because obviously that picture was posted on FB (today) for a reason.  She responded rather quickly, thanking me and also mentioning that she was sorry that things didn’t go well between Mr.Crazy and I.  “Ohhhh shit girl don’t be sorry…it shouldn’t have ever happened” is what I wanted to send back…..but I sent her back a rather sincere message stating that I am where I was always meant to be and that my relationship with Mr.Crazy was just toxic (some people are just not meant to be together)…but that I hope that they find the happiness that they deserve within one another.  She thanked me and I went on about my day, feeling actually relieved that Mr.Crazy has moved on and will no longer hassle me or stalk my blog.

Now…… here comes the funny part.

(ten minutes later)

I get a message from her stating  “you only friend requested me because of Mr.Crazy, that must mean you aren’t over him or what happened. Which makes me feel bad for your husband and I hope that you will be able to move on and truly live your life”  ….. when I read this I laughed so hard that a co-worker peeked into my office to see what was so funny.  I quickly corrected any misconceptions she had  as nicely as I could….because what I really wanted to say was this :

“You’re kidding right? I left him …. I faked early menopause just so I he wouldn’t touch me.I put two restraining orders out on him. I regret ever being with that man and falling for his nice guy image. I fell out of love with him way before our marriage came to a crumbling halt…..if you don’t believe any of this let me direct you to my blog and there you can read all about  Mr.Crazy and his in ability to move on…..and seriously LOOK at my husband and then look at him…..enough side”

But……I didn’t….she will have to learn on her own. He can feed her lie after lie…..it doesn’t matter, it’s not my problem. I seriously was happy for both of them and actually now I can see they are meant for one another…..they are both looney!!!

~ needed the laugh though but still the thought that someone thinks I’m hung up on that gives me the heebie jeebies….uck!!

 

Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

My brief escape from my chaotic life

Last week I was featured as a Guest Blogger on Suzie81blog…. I thought I would share that post with all of you!!

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As I was sitting in seat 2F getting ready for a weekend of relaxation and a brief escape from my life, I felt the rumble of the plane speeding down the tarmac, my chest being pulled to the back of the seat as the plane lifted off the ground. I stared out the window and felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. As I looked down below and saw California getting further and further away I felt a giant release of the stress that I have been kept captive of for the last few months. Tears started to well up in my eyes; I was determined to leave my troubles and anxiety behind me for the next few days. As the plane started to level off, I looked out at the darkness beside me and flashbacks of the many times that I cried and the overwhelming unease that I had felt over too me. It was at that moment, I realized that I needed to move forward and not dwell on the last few months and to enjoy the next three days of no stress that was going to start as soon as the plane set down at JFK airport. That’s when I closed my eyes and a slight smile appeared across my face.

“Good Morning folks, 30 minutes until we make our descent into JFK” I slowly began to look around, the man next to me was still asleep, the flight attendant looked at me and gave me a welcoming smile. I began straightening myself up and tried not to look like I didn’t get any sleep during the flight. In just a short while I was going to set foot in New York once again….I seriously never thought I would be back considering the person that I was meeting at the airport was a man who I was involved with for a year and our break up was not so pleasant.

Although, there had been tension after the breakup it seemed as though our chapter was just not quite finished, somehow we remained friends and to our surprise our friendship never died. Logan was the one that made this escape possible and as New York became visible through the breaking clouds I began to feel anxious on so many levels. I was excited to see him, but scared to have those old emotions that I locked up be released because I was in no way ready to revisit them and I knew that once I saw him and his warm smile I had to somehow break down a little of the wall that I built up, not from him exactly but from men in general. Then as those anxious feelings swarmed through out my body, they were put to rest when I heard “Welcome to JFK”. I was back, and I was going to see a very special friend in just a few minutes. As I looked out the window to a somewhat cloudy day, New York was there greeting me. I took a deep breath and quietly told myself “you deserve this and it’s time to move forward. Jolene it’s time to reclaim yourself”

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I knew I looked horrible, who doesn’t after taking a red-eye flight? Blotchy skin, dark circles under the eyes and I knew that blemish that was on my chin took on a new life of its own during that 4 ½ hour flight, and although I tried to conceal some of those obvious not so appealing spots on my face with face powder, Logan didn’t give me any clues that he thought the same way and if he did he played it off very well, at least he didn’t bolt in the other direction. There he was, with that big smile on his face and an awaiting hug to give “just breath and damnit smile”…why was I so nervous? finally we were standing right in front of each other and I looked right into his eyes and knew that I had nothing to worry about …for the first time in a long while I felt safe.

Daily Prompt : Is it all in the numbers?

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I started this blog because I love to write and it has also been a way for me  just to free myself from all that is going on up in this brain of mine. At first I wasn’t to concerned with checking my stats, I really didn’t pay too much attention to the blue columns going up and down or who was viewing my blog and where they may be from. What got my attention was the orange star that would illuminate every time someone “liked” my blog….. I admit it, I kinda felt like Sally Field when she accepted her Oscar and said “you like me you really really like me”…….I know, a little dramatic it’s only an orange star right?  wrong…..hahahaa…. and then after a while I noticed that my blog was being viewed by fellow bloggers in different parts of the world. It was amazing……………then I was hooked!!  I try not to become stat obsessed, I see my numbers and I do see the columns rise when I conjure up an interesting post but I can’t help the tiny little burst of happiness that I get when I see that little star in the corner light up.

Today’s Daily Prompt asks us to go to our Stats page and check our top 3-5 posts and write why we  think they’ve been successful? Find the connection between them, and write about it.

The top five  although different aren’t full of some philosophical mumbo jumbo, heck I think people would see right through that. My posts are honest, sometimes witty and truly from the heart. I am bringing you into my everyday life sharing the good, the bad and the ohhhh sooo funny moments of it….the present and the past.

1. Honey,Lily is a little moody…you kept her up last night. 

2. The Weekly Photo Challenge – Nostalgic 

3. Daily Prompt: Keep Out

4. True friends tell it like it is …. please stop this nonsense

5. Baby got back 

To find out more about todays daily prompt click here : Daily Prompt: The Stat Connection

Girls Night Out: since when are men and children allowed ?

230724a2590bab32a22fc07a650991b0Three weeks ago the girls here in the office planned a “Girls Night Out” for this coming Friday. This outing would consist of dinner,drinks and to scare ourselves silly at the opening night of The Conjuring.  I did my best at trying to convince the girls to have the Girls Night Out in the afternoon because I know how I am after watching a scary movie….I’m a big sissy pants, but nothing I said made them cave.

It’s only Tuesday and people are backing out but BIG SISSY PANTS isn’t although come time when the lights go down in the movie theater I may excuse myself to the bathroom and never come back..

I hear the girls down the hall chit chatting about this Friday and next thing I hear is one of my co-workers say she may just bring her husband because he wants to see the movie too…………..hmmmm what??……..then other wants to bring their kids…………..EXCUSE ME??

I haven’t had a girls night in such a long time but what I do remember is that men and kids aren’t allowed. It’s not like we are going to get all dressed up and hit the town, come on……I’m not living in some big city anymore and we aren’t going to get our drink on to only have to call our spouses to come pick us up. It was dinner, a couple of drinks and a scary ass movie. So I sauntered up to the front desk and casually pointed out that the last time I checked men and children weren’t allowed …….but if we were going to turn this into FAMILY NIGHT then just let me know……I think my furkids Lily,Dart and Sami would love to get teeth into a nice juicy steak but they  probably say “heck no” to a scary  movie, they are a bunch of  big sissy like their mommy!!

So I really don’t know what Friday night will entail but somehow some way I will end the night with a glass of wine and my handsome hubby by my side!!

Thank you Alicia for my Liebster Award !!!

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I want to give a big shout out and a huge THANK YOU to Alicia Benton for giving me the Liebster Award! I absolutely love her blog!  If you haven’t visited her site yet, please make sure that you do!!

For those who are unfamiliar with the Liebster Award rules here they are : 

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you for the Liebster Award, and link back to his or her blog.

2. Answer the 11 questions that your nominator asks you.

3. Post 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 11 bloggers of your own, with under 200 followers, whom you think are as awesome as you.

5. Create 11 questions for your nominees.

6. And finally… Display the Liebster Award logo on your page.

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So without further ado I guess I will answer her questions.

1. Favorite TV show? Ohhh without a doubt it is The Big Bang Theory. I have to admit I have a tiny crush on Sheldon.

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2. Why do you blog?    Because if I didn’t blog I would talk nonstop to my husband about all the thoughts going on in my head and within no time flat he will have a blank look on his face…..plus I just simply love to write so why not blog….it’s very therapeutic.

3. Pinterest: Brilliant or Nightmare? Ohhh totally brilliant!!

4. Best place you’ve ever visited?  Little Italy, NY

5. How do you like your potatoes?   Mashed, Baked, Scalloped,Tatered (as in tater tot) …….LOVE potatoes period!!

6. Favorite chicken nugget dipping sauce?  Ranch

7. Song with great lyrics, but a terrible beat?  well any eighties remix….seriously leave the songs alone!!

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 8. Do aliens exist?  I seriously hope not because the movie SIGNS and ET really freaked me out. Just thinking about the alien in SIGNS walking across the pathway is seriously giving me the hebbyjebbies. Ok let’s move on.

9. Favorite holiday?  Christmas

10. Do you sleep wearing socks?  This is a big HECK NO….I don’t even like the sheet or blanket on them while I sleep.

11. Shower or bath?   Shower

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Now…..it’s time for you to enjoy reading 11 facts about me

1. My parents named me after a country song

2.  I have a reality show obsession ……. I love Jerseylious, The Real Housewifes of New Jersey and Orange County, Guilliana and Bill, Keeping up with the Kardashians and everyone else in their crazy family!

3. I  love riding on the back of my husbands bike…….even when I have to close my eyes and hang on for dear life while he takes on  sharp curves and passes a line of cars up a mountain.

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4. I love wine and wine tasting

5. I pick at my nails when I am stressed

6. I can’t stand seafood

7. I’m a bookaholic

8. I have a fear of heights

9. I regret my second marriage

10. I am a mother of 3 awesome children (21,19,17) and wished they didn’t have to grow up so fast!

11.  I actually love my job and the people I work with………..even when one tends to shout when she talks!!

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The bloggers that I want to nominate for the Liebster Award are :

I understand that some that I may have listed below may have more than 200 followers but it’s not listed on their site…….sooooo I’m breaking the rules just a tiny bit……

HurtArmyWife

The Psych Word

Cowboys and Crossbones

Stalking the stork

Scottishmomus

Aging Baby Maker

Girl Intoxicated

Life: Everyone has one

Ms Candace Marie

12 months of lent

Is the coffee ready yet

…… Here are the eleven questions for you :

1. What is your favorite blog post that you have written?

2. What was your favorite book as a child?

3. Twitter or Facebook?

4. What is your all time favorite movie?

5. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

6. How did you come up with the name of your blog?

7. Something on your bucket list

8. What’s your drink of choice?

9. How did you end up in the city you live in?

10. If you could stay at a certain age forever, what would it be, and why?

11. Have you ever told a joke so bad that you had to explain it, which only resulted in a worse situation?