A bittersweet birthday weekend


Thursday seemed more like my birthday then my actual birthday which was Saturday, my co-workers spoiled me rotten with a delicious chocolate cake, lunch of my choice…. which was McDonalds, a hilarious card and a few gifts. I was also pleasantly surprised when I got an edible arrangement from my father. I admit his gesture did leave me a bit perplexed because my father doesn’t do things like this…..the message didn’t say “Happy Birthday”, just “Hope your “big day” goes well” from Daddy Jack.  No Love Dad, No Love Mom and Dad….just from Daddy Jack. Ok….well the gesture was nice and quite yummy.  Later that evening my daughter Ann finally arrived and I was not only relieved that she was home but that she arrived safe and sound…..although no parent wants to hear “I almost fell asleep a couple of times while I was driving” and when I heard those very words spill out of her mouth I made a mental note to give her my Starbucks gift card before she headed back to Nebraska on Sunday.

KittyFriday was a long day ….. I took our newest furkid, Penny (the stray kitty) to the vet only to find out that she is 22 days pregnant, “congratulations you are going to be a grandma” the vet assistant said as she gave me a picture of the ultrasound. I looked down at the picture and the only thought that I had was “Holy Shit, how am I going to deliver this news to hubby”.  The Doc came in and discussed several options…. “she’s still early along in her pregnancy that we can spay her still, just don’t wait too long”….he must have seen the look on my face because the subject just wasn’t something I wanted to think about….”I will have the nurse come in with some estimates”. Ok.   —– Long story short, Hubby made the decision to have her spayed, there was no debate or argument…it was just how it was going to be. I called the Vet and made the appointment (and made it clear that it wasn’t my choice, they knew) he took her in this morning.

Later that day we made the trek to Oklahoma (five hour drive), we were meeting up with his family to see his ailing mom. It broke my heart to see the sadness in my husbands eyes when he held his moms hand and whispered a sweet message in her ear …but instead of breaking down, I stayed strong…for him. Once his brothers arrived at the nursing home, I made certain that they were left alone with her…… my daughter Ann decided to make friends with some of the elderly ladies that were on the same wing as momma, one in particular really took to my daughter….her name was Lola and for the next couple of days when we went to visit momma….Ann made her way to Lolas room to spend some time with her. Ann really has a gift……the compassion and love she has for people is just amazing. She’s certainly not shy but she never was …haha…she just has always had this knack for striking up conversations with strangers.  After visiting with Momma, we joined the rest of the family for dinner at a steakhouse and boy I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into a good tasty steak and dive right into a fully loaded baked potato….see my ass has been on a diet for a couple of months, my goal was to lose 20 pounds by my birthday….I was 3 pounds shy of meeting my goal but I rewarded myself that night!!

This was the only picture taken of me this weekend. I would have smiled if I knew I was being photographed. :)  this is me and my niece playing a game on my phone.....Ann is busy texting her boyfriend and the hubby is yapping about something.

This was the only picture taken of me this weekend. I would have smiled if I knew I was being photographed. 🙂 this is me and my niece playing a game on my phone…..Ann is busy texting her boyfriend and the hubby is yapping about something.

Saturday (my 40th bday) morning I woke up expecting to see a head full of gray hair but when I looked at myself in the mirror all that came to mind was “fuzzy wazzy was a bear” my hair for some reason lost all its curl from the night before and now was a frizzy mess…….my curling iron and straightener were at home, 5 hours away so I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and did my best to calm the frizz.

I thought I would hear a “Happy Birthday” out of my husbands mouth when we first woke up….but I was wrong. It came an hour later in a mumbled tone…… I kept telling myself that it wasn’t about me today, well not while we were in Oklahoma, we would celebrate my birthday later in the evening when we got home.  We headed to the nursing home and spent a couple of hours with Momma, she opened her eyes a bit but that was all……I knew family would be coming by shortly so I gently washed her face, combed her hair, put lotion on her face and hands and spoke to her like she could hear us. After our visit, we joined the rest of the family for breakfast, made one last trip to the nursing home and headed home…..5 hours later we were back in Arkansas  (7 pm) , we decided to go to Anns favorite restaurant  here in town which has a huge seafood buffet and although I can’t stand seafood, we went because she doesn’t come out here often and plus it put a smile on her face…….so while the two of them ate shrimp, crawfish and other fishy food I had the salad bar and a few things that weren’t seafood related that was on the buffet. I just knew once we got home I could have a large slice of chocolate cake……so I was saving room for my desert.

Once home we were welcomed at the door by some very excited furkids, boy did I miss them!  when they were settled and fed, I checked my phone and saw that there was a voicemail from my parents…..I hit play expecting to hear both of them wishing me a Happy Birthday, but it was just the voice of my dad saying Happy Birthday.  It didn’t surprise me at all that I didn’t hear the voice of my mother saying “Happy Birthday”  along with my dad, that’s her…..she has her reasons for being who she is. It pretty much showed me that I made the right decision to forgo the Hawaii trip. Ok….it sucked, I had hopes that this year would be different…..I was hoping to take baby steps towards mending our very broken relationship, but who am I kidding. I knew better…..it made sense why my moms name wasn’t on the special delivery I received at work on Thursday from my dad.

I put my phone away and headed to the kitchen to devour a slice of cake…..and once that piece of heavenly goodness touched my tongue, I wished myself a Happy Birthday ….the only thing missing was a nice glass of wine to wash down the chocolaty desert.


Hell must have froze over


I’ve been in my head a lot lately… (more so than normal) this has only ended up in restless nights and daily headaches. I haven’t discussed this matter with my husband because he’d probably start to tune me out five minutes into my dilemma  plus right now, his ailing mother health is on his mind and that’s priority over my “little” situation.

See when I was a teenager, my mother made a comment that one day she would like to take my sister and I to Hawaii… just the three of us, she also made this comment one other time in my early twenties but it went in one ear and out the other.  So imagine my surprise when I got a message from my mother asking if I had plans later on this year because she wanted to take my sister and I to Hawaii….airfare and hotel included.

Yes I know I hear you “Ohhh wow, Awesome…Lucky” …. Noooo…..NOT AWESOME, NOT AMAZING, NOT “it’s time to prepare for swimsuit season”….there was no jumping up and down, actually come to think of it ….. I think I was actually sitting on the toilet when I was reading her message.  My first reaction was “There is no way in hell I’m going to be stuck on an island that’s surrounded by sharks with that woman!!” I reread her message again ….. I just want to relax and sit in the sun, you and your sister can do whatever.  Sure she says that now, but I know this woman…I know how she works.  If my sister and I went on our merry way and saw Hawaii in all it’s glory my mother would get her feelings hurt and pout if we didn’t include her, then years from now she will throw it in our faces that she paid for our trip to Hawaii and we just ignored her and when we remind her that she stated that all she wanted to do was relax and lay in the sun she will deny ever saying any of it.

Scenario after scenario played out in my head…. my sister and I deciding to get a few drinks down at the Tiki Lounge and my mother decides to come along and join in on Girls Night……she has one too many drinks and starts sharing a little too much about her and our father. This has happened before, it wasn’t girls night it was more like lunch at Applebee’s when my sister was in college…..it was just plain awkward.

Too much has happened between us that this gesture just seems kind of constructed. It’s almost like if I accept her invitation that every hurtful word, every manipulating action, every head game, every stab in the back would be erased. Does she not realize the countless hours, months even that  have been spent talking to therapists because of her mind games and the realization that her and my father were incapable of loving me….(which ties somehow into my past screwed up relationship choices) that they didn’t know how to distribute their love between both daughters and at times the way she behaved was just childish.What I want from her is not an all expense trip to Hawaii, I want an apology…..I want her to at least acknowledge that she realizes that her actions were not right. I would take a purely genuine hug over a trip to paradise from her ….. you know why? because I never had one…..her hugs were fake, I dreaded those pretend “lets show them we are a happy family” fake hugs.

I can just see it now…..you think those Real Housewives are crazy, I can just see us now…..tension building on the long ass flight over there…my sister doing her best to entertain the both of us, taking a xanex just to deal with her own stress.Once we are there…..we all come together for dinner, we start in on drinks….next thing you know someone says something, I react, mom denies…I don’t let her deny, my sister takes another drink and all hell breaks loose. …..my mom makes a dramatic exit, I pay the bill and tell my sister that I’m going for a walk and my sister stunned by what just happened,  slams down another margarita and says “Welcome to Paradise”.

My mother needs an answer in a couple of weeks, but in all honesty I don’t think I can take the time off from work, I think there is a plan to go on some riding trip later in the year so I need to save up my hours for that…..and I know there are two weddings coming up this year, one of which happens to be in California. I know my sister wants me to go and I guess that’s where my waffling is coming from….. if I had a normal relationship with my mother this wouldn’t even be an issue, I would make this work….urgh…I’m just getting a stomach ache just thinking about it. If I can’t have a conversation with her over the phone that leaves me feeling the need to shake it off and have a glass of wine how in the world am I suppose to manage to go on a mom/daughters weekend in Hawaii??

Early Birthday present

“I have some good news” my daughter Ann said.

“You got a puppy?”


“You’re pregnant?” I asked….secretly hoping to hear that she was. 

“Nope” she laughed.

“You’re calling to tell me that I am the best mom on the planet?”

“Well, yeah you are but that’s not why I called….I’m coming to see you on your birthday!!”  she said.

“This is going to be the best birthday EVER!!”  

I guess turning forty won’t be that bad after all!!! 

~ now if I can get Scott and Marie to come out…..ohhhhh and my sister!!  


Today’s Guest Blogger – My Daughter, Ann (there was no bribing involved)

I am so happy about today’s Guest Blogger because she is my nineteen year old daughter, Ann. No, there was no bribing involved or threats………well I take that back, I did “threaten” to change the Barnes and Nobles password if she didn’t get this post to me on time. I know….I’m so mean!  

Ann loves to write and I thought this would give her the opportunity to share her short stories or her opinion on something that matters to her, never in a million years did I think she would choose to write about …………..me. 


My mother and I have one of the best mother and daughter relationships there is. I consider her a best friend and a momma! I go to her for about almost everything, from the latest family gossip and daughter issues..to what her cat brought home at 6 am! She will always come to my need whenever I need my mother and not just as a best friend.. (which every girl needs!!)…But it wasn’t always all so hunky dory like it is now! And that’s where my story begins.   😉

I have bits and pieces that I remember about my mom as a little girl, most of them involved me getting in trouble hahaha I wasn’t always the innocent little angel my amazing mother writes about ;)–  i have always been the rebellious child! I was always running around at the age of 3 making my mom tear her hair out! She would try to spank me with a wooden spoon and i would laugh at her because it didn’t hurt! (yea i was a little brat! haha) But she still stood her ground with me as much as she could haha, taking me to the hospital countless times– because i had a fascination with sticking lint and fabric softener sheets up my nose! (THEY SMELLED GOOD!), she would care for my wounds with frozen peas and reward me with our favorite ice cream cones! She was my protector against monsters under my bed (i never slept in my room.. i always somehow made my way into the living room to sleep next to her on the sofa).. i was her backup singer every time a Shania Twain song came on through the radio. Though i was an evil little brat towards her all the time, she (being the mother she is) took care of me and my 2 other siblings to the best of her ability.

As you may already know from her past blogs, due to money issues and other complications, she had my siblings and myself move away to california with my dad. I will always remember that day i left, she was strong! I don’t even remember her crying! Though, at the time i didn’t know i was going to be moving away for good, i knew she wasnt going to be coming with us. And it was sad, because i was loosing my mother! And in a 4 yr olds mind that was a HUGE deal! She stayed strong for us that day, and assured me that we were going to have fun!.. Yes, that trip was a fun one, but over the next few years I barely ever got to see her that much.

Growing up, I won’t lie I felt abandoned by my mom because i did not know why she had to make the decision she did. It was hard at times, but i was with my dads family and times were good! I was part of a military family and moved and traveled a lot, so i knew we wouldn’t always see her. We would call each other, i would share secrets with her like mother and daughter, and we would see each other when we got the chance and money, but it wasnt until we moved back into the same town together did we rekindle our relationship.

I was just starting out in highschool when we moved near each other, and like any girl, i definitely needed my mother through those years. I grew closer to her, and shared secrets about boys and other girly things. We would have Sex and The City marathons! Read twilight together when i was going through that phase haha. She became my work out partner! We did EVERYTHING together. Yes we had many many many fights where we butted heads and exchanged some pretty nasty comments, but those really didn’t last long– due mainly to the fact that we loved to gossip and laugh and be with each other.


Yes, our mother/daughter relationship didn’t sit well with some people — they felt like there should be a fine line to what mother and daughters should act like with each other. We should not share clothes, hang out as much as we did, talk about the things we did, or even confide in the stuff we did. BUT, we didn’t pay attention to their opinions hahaha because we were happy and best friends!!! She stood by me when there was no one else to stand by me, when I was all alone and had no money when i moved to college, she would call me and send me care packages and money when had nothing! My mom has been there for me through thick and thin, and my teammate when i was ganged up on. She has been the one person I confide in, my bestfriend, my gossip buddy haha, and most of all my mother!

I am blessed to have her by my side (though we live states apart), and no matter what people may think i am blessed to have such an amazing relationship with her.She has been through hell and back, not just with dealing with me, but with her life itself. AND I LOVE HER GUTS MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER! 🙂

~ Ann

I hope you enjoyed today’s post………..see there is hope out there for those parents who are at their wits end with their rumbustious child or rebellious teen. There is a silver lining………there will come a time when the lightbulb will come on and they will realize that you are in fact not the “worst parent ever”. For those of you that want to read  a little bit more on why I made very difficult decision for my kids to live with my ex-husband (their father) you can read about it here:

1. Open letter to my twenty something self  

2. Knowing what I know now 

I hated to read how my daughter felt abandoned and although we worked through that throughout the years it still pains me to read because I know that my ex-husband and his family played a huge part with telling my children that I “didn’t want them anymore” or “couldn’t handle them” which was so far from the truth. Again, I hope you take the time to read the links above. 

Mom…… I’m late

A month ago…..

“Mom, I haven’t had my period in a month and a half”

I was thankful that my husband decided to go outside the restaurant for a smoke at that moment, thankful that my daughter Ann decided to wait until we were alone before she sprung that on me and thankful that I had a full glass of wine in front of me.

“Hmmm ok, first question…you have been here for a day and a half and you decide to tell me now? Were you waiting till I was a little tipsy before you told me? I smiled……..because smiling is better than my “what the heck” face and this wasn’t the time to jump to conclusions and start registering for baby stuff.

She told me that she was unsure how to come out and tell me but thought that this time was better than any. We talked for a few more minutes until my husband came back to the table …… I pretty much told her that I would go and buy her a test to see if I would be a grandma at the ripe old age of 40!

The test showed negative…both of them.

Yesterday …….

“Ann have you started yet?”  She told me no ……. I told her that she should see a doctor and I  suggested an OB/GYN just so she could just get down to the nitty gritty with this whole situation. “Can you call and set one up….you know all about that stuff and I don’t know what they will need”……fine…… “You know they will have to do an exam on you” I told her.  This would be her first visit to a Gyno…..and you would think she would be asking questions about the stir-ups and that special silver tool that us women so enjoy, but no……… “Mom will they take my blood?” … “uhmmm yes, to see if you are pregnant or not…..I had a false negative when I was pregnant with your sister; grandma took me to the ER and one blood test ,2 bags of IV fluid later and a few evil looks from grandma… we found out that I was indeed pregnant…..so yes they will give you a blood test”.

I told her that there’s nothing to worry about and that the first time I went was when I was fifteen. “You were fifteen?” she said. “Yes, it was a week after Jenny and I “ran away” for the weekend….your grandma jumped the gun, thought I had been out whoring around and had to have me checked out” thankfully the doctor excused my mother out of the room and told me that my mother was a little out there with her accusations. Ann and I had a few laughs over that little tidbit!!

“Ohhhh and Ann, before you go to your appointment make sure you shower……..and not just a quick 2 minute shower. No doctor enjoys going down there knowing that their patient didn’t have the courtesy to shower before the visit”……..I’m blunt, my mother never clued me in on the must knows, granted I wasn’t stupid, I showered……. “MOM!!” she laughed. ….  “I’m just sayin’ Ann,  BELIEVE ME!!! I hear stories ALL the time….so shower good and put deodorant on….throw on some light perfume” I was being silly now, but it was the only way to lighten the situation…..because girls, we all know how nervous we were during our first time and I’m not talking sex!!


to be continued …… 


Mom, your life has been interesting

“Hi Ann”

“Mom, how did you know it was me?” my nineteen years old asked.

“Caller I.D Missy”

“So your life is quite innntteresttting……. I was up till one in the morning reading your blogs. Not just your current one but the one from three years ago. I just kept reading and reading then I looked up at the clock and it was past one in the morning”

Now, I knew Ann was reading this current blog from time to time but I didn’t think she would have any interest in my older ones. I wrote those blogs because I needed an outlet for those thoughts that I had held captive inside myself. In all honesty writing was therapeutic; it still is…..and back then my life was a mess, I was in a dysfunctional marriage, my faith in God was in question and being questioned constantly by my past, my relationship with my parents was again on a downward spiral……and my relationship with my daughters was beginning to unravel.  So I found writing very helpful to say the least.

“Mom, I knew we had our issues and I knew you were having marriage problems but I really didn’t realize how bad it was. I also didn’t realize how selfish I acted back then….mom I was really selfish, I’m sorry. I acted like a bitch at times…..wow, Mom I didn’t know how much you had on your shoulders…..you never showed it.”  Hearing this from my nineteen year old daughter was a surprise, I got teary eyed just because it just wasn’t her that was sorry for the past, I was too. She acknowledged that we were all going through some tough times back then but it’s obvious that I was in a much better place now. 

Her maturity, her willingness to forgive and move forward is an honorable quality within her, not to mention very Christian like. She doesn’t hold my baggage against me and she is willing to open her eyes to see that although I was in a bad place a couple of years ago I have made great strides to overcome those not so good moments in my life. The last thing I wanted for her was to feel   sorry for me……life happens, shit happens….but we have to somehow within all the turmoil and life lessons we need……….I NEEDED  to ask the Lord for assistance and his love…..which he gave.

“Ann, did I mention anything bad about you or your sister?”…….I quickly brought up the blog in question. “Yeah, but it all happened. There were moments that I thought that it didn’t happen EXACTLY the way you stated but I saw your point NOW, back then I just thought you were being a bitch”……hey I admired her honesty!! We talked a bit longer about the blogs, laughed at some of the posts….. but by the end of the conversation I knew everything was still ok.  

On a lighter note……

Yesterday Ann had mentioned to me that she wanted me to write about her in my blog. “Mom, I want you to write about me” she asked……..I told her that I really hadn’t written about her, her sister Marie or her brother Scott at any length because I didn’t want to overstep any lines because they (my daughters) are adults now and living their life. “Well, you can write about me I don’t mind”….hmmm alrighty then…..”so what do you want me to write about?” ….. “you can write about my relationship, how  Jay and I  are going to get married in your backyard and how you can’t want to be a nonna”. ……….I smiled.

Well Ann….. you got your wish!!