Hilarious First Date Story

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Have you ever read something that was so funny that it left you in tears? I came across a story about a woman talking about a first date; what started off as a sweet and totally romantic evening turned into extreme horror…..it’s pretty much every girls nightmare. Flatulence.

Girls… we have all been there, we eat a little too much during dinner, we fall victim to sharing a desert with our date ( or partner), any stomach gurgles get ignored because you think you have plenty of time before you have to use the bathroom……and then it hits, normally when you are in a passionate embrace or sitting quietly in his car staring into each others eyes……..that sharp gas pain. Your eyes start scanning the proximity for a restroom, you start thinking of ways end the date without having to tell him the real reason why you need to cut the date short, beads of sweat start to form….he assumes the sudden glistening on your face is because of him not because you have a war brewing in your stomach.

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Take a moment and read The Fart That (almost) Altered My Destiny and then come back here!!

~you’re welcome~  ….take a breath, wipe those tears!!

It was worth it wasn’t it?? I bet you passed on that story to all your girlfriends and co-workers right?…if not don’t you think they deserve a bit of laughter?

Do you have any horrific dating stories? 

 

 

 

 

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And I wrote to you

In the spirit of Valentines day I wanted to share a collection of letters written by a man who is writing to the woman who stole his heart. For anyone who has loved, for anyone who has experienced heartache, for anyone who is a hopeless romantic you need to take the time to read this blog….start from day one.

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Day 1.

Dearest Xxxxxxxx,

I am not a writer. I am but a man, fallen far from grace. I am not handsome nor am I the charmer. But I can love, just as I loved you.

Even though you are far from me now, I find it hard to imagine life without you. But I will try. God knows I will. But I will never forget. For it took me 72 months to find you, truly did I find myself.

So I will keep writing. Just as I wrote to you, for everyday that I waited on you, for as long as it takes.

Yours Always,

Mark

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In a pinch? I gotcha covered

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Ok girls gather around …..

I’m not sure about you but my purse has everything in it but the kitchen sink, you need a safety-pin or a staple remover?  I got you covered.  I try to clean my purse out weekly but I always find a reason to keep certain items in there because , well you just never know when you may need to freshen up!

A little over a week ago my best gal pal, Dennine sent me a little something in the mail (belated birthday gift) and I needed to share these awesome treasures with you.

The first is called Pinch Provisions, this little silver mini emergency kit fits in the palm of your hand and is packed with 17 different items!! YEAH 17!!!

Pinch

This set contains:
– Adhesive bandage
– Safety pin
– Earring backs
– Deodorant towelette
– Nail polish remover pad
– Stain remover pad
– Clear elastics
– Lip balm
– Emery board
– Tampon
– Hair spray
– Clear nail polish
– Dental floss
– Mending kit
– Breath freshener
– Double-sided tape
– Pain reliever

It’s now tucked away in my purse!!

The next item is from Too Faced it’s the Darlings Makeup Collection, it includes lip,eye and face primer, mascara, lip plump lip gloss.

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I’ve been a loyal Benefit cosmetics user, but I gave these products a try and I’m hooked!!  plus ….they fit great in a side pocket in your purse, ohh and the lip gloss fits nice and snug in my little silver “in a pinch” case!!

Thanks De!!

Now…let’s talk about hair!

I’m a gal from the eighties and when I was young I teased…sprayed and teased some more it was all about height!!  I admit I never quite got away from the big hair, granted I’m not pulling a Snooki hairdo.I like some volume…..I feel extremely naked and a bit off if I leave the house without hairspray in my hair.

Last Sunday while at the salon the stylist asked if I wanted it styled….

“yes please and can you give it some volume? tease it a bit”

She smiled and totally understood my need for a little height…..because she was sporting a nice bouffant of her very own. Maybe it’s a Southern thing….I’ve heard “the higher the hair the closer to heaven” many times since moving to Arkansas. She went to her shelf and brought over a product that I never seen before, she told me it’s a powder that helps with volume and teasing.

“Can you see the powder? does your hair look like you have dandruff?”

She laughed and told me no….. “I’ve always used hairspray, I didn’t know there was a powder for teasing” I told her.

I watched her carefully ….. and I was very impressed with the result (sorry I forgot to take a picture) I had volume. I left the store with my little pink bottle.

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I’ve been using this product for less than a week now and I had some hits and misses, meaning…..you will look like you have dandruff if you don’t rub it in or place it where it’s visible!! I actually have been combining this with another teasing product because, I just have more faith in hairspray!

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What a year!!

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“Thank you honey for the beautiful flowers”  I said to my husband as I admired the vibrant pink and white lilies that were just placed on my desk.

“I didn’t send you any flowers, it must have been your boyfriend”

“Nice try, you’re the only one that calls me Darlin’” I said.

“ohhh shoot”

~~~~~

I can’t believe that on Saturday we will be celebrating our one year anniversary; it still seems so surreal  that I am actually married to this man. Ten years ago when we went our separate ways, I would have never thought that this would be our story, that I would be his Mrs. to his Mr.

I have always known that my heart was his but I never thought in a million years that we would find our way back to one another, shit how could it be possible when I lived on the west coast and him, on the east coast? Yeah I’ve heard of those couples that actually have made it work but long distance relationships and I don’t work. We did keep in touch throughout the years and I tried everything possible to make him a mere memory because just hearing his voice made me melt all over again …not to mention bring back memories of those hot and steamy nights, but nothing I tried seemed to work.

“You knew this whole time ….. well played, well played” I whispered to the big man upstairs as I put on my wedding dress, “did I really have to go through all those disastrous relationships to get to this point, couldn’t I  just have bypassed all those unnecessary roadblocks a few years ago?”   of course, I didn’t need to hear the answer…..I knew. We both had to walk our own path and experience the good, the bad and the ugly just to finally realize what our hearts knew all along. The past ten years we built the first layer of our foundation which was friendship…we didn’t have to fluff up our lives to one another, we shared it all. There was never any judgment, I never heard “why did you marry that idiot?”, he just let me live my life ( he did tell me once we were married that he secretly wished that my marriage to Mr.Crazy would fall apart) as I let him live his…..secretly cringing when he would tell me about someone he was dating.

This past year was definitely an experience; it is true with what they say about the first year of marriage always being the toughest. I wouldn’t say it was hard….it was an adjustment, we had to learn to work as a team ….to rely on one another, to have faith in love and to say “I’m sorry” even if it meant that we would be eating crow for a day or two. I had to learn that just because we may have been not so nice to one another that he wasn’t going to leave, that he made a commitment to me and wasn’t going anywhere.

I love this man ….. I always have.

I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store for us!!

My friend really needs to give up juggling!!

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It took every ounce of me not to say “I warned you, Karmas a bitch and now you are feeling her wrath” but I couldn’t, she’s still my friend but I did let her know how disappointed I was in her for breaking the heart of someone who always treated her well.

About a month and a half ago I wrote about my good friend Maries choice to leave Surfer Boy and go back to Mr.Douchebag (you can read about it here :Love doesn’t leave bruises) as far as I knew she had broken things off with Surfer Boy and was now probably walking on egg shells trying not to set off Mr.DB; she really didn’t mention much to me over the past month because I felt she knew I wasn’t a fan of her choice.

I was so wrong……she had taken up a new sport, juggling……men.

Friday evening I received a message through Facebook from Surfer boy…I thought it was a bit strange at first but figured he must be contacting me because he wanted to get her back. I was wrong. What I read was disheartening.

“I have been crushed to find out that Marie has been cheating on me. Next time warn me, I put my heart and soul into her only to find how sneaky and horrible she has been behaving has really hurt me. Hope she Is happy with “DouchBag”, she and that POS deserve each other. the open condom wrapper was the first sign, did I mention it wasn’t mine. I’m so grossed out and feel sick to my stomach Aloha”

I was shocked…..well actually no, I wasn’t shocked because this is typical Marie behavior she always has to have a back-up. I sent him back a message telling him that I was sorry that she hurt him but I thought she had ended things over a month ago.

“She had sex with me a week ago, it was a week ago today and it was right before I went to go teach her kids to surf all afternoon. i just went and bought a tree with her and her put it in her home. I feel all alone and betrayed and deeply sad and hurt. I treated her like my partner, her kids like my own. she had been planning a family with me. Marriage, kids, etc. I guess I wasn’t rich enough, I didn’t know she was so materialistic.”

The more I heard the more pissed off I became. She needed to stop this behavior, this wasn’t some playboy…. this was one of the good guys, plus there were kids involved. I went back to messages that Marie and I exchanged discussing her choice to leave Surfer boy for Mr.Douchebag and that per their “rules for reconciling” they could not have any contact with exes OR ELSE it was over….and they had to delete their Facebook pages. I knew this would be hard for Marie, but I also knew she would do anything to be back in the arms of DB.

As I was about to log off of Facebook I saw that Surfer Boy let his broken heart be known and told all of Facebook land that he has been cheated on. “Ohhh shit” ….. I had to let Marie know before she got a message from someone else. I pretty much told her that I was so disappointed to find out that she had been cheating on Surfer Boy and that I thought she had ended it with him. “Why are you getting involved?” she asked.  “He involved me….and now has involved all his Facebook friends”. She told me that Surfer Boy was in denial and that she hadn’t slept with him…..her story was full of holes and when I mentioned certain details that I knew she was silent. “You don’t know him so why share things with him that I told you?”

“You’re right I don’t know him…..but I know things you have told me about him. You told me that he reminded you of Terri…the man that you regret ever hurting….the man you cheated on for your now ex husband. Surfer boy was good to you and your daughters…he was genuine. He was one of the good guys that didn’t deserve to be cheated on or hurt. You NEED TO STOP THIS!! You need to stop hurting people and messing with people’s heart. You don’t like it when it’s done to you so why do it to others?”

She continued to tell me that he was crazy and delusional  …..which were things she would say about all the other men that she hurt in the past. I just wanted off this roller coaster ride ….  as the night went on, I didn’t hear anything more from her or Surfer boy.. I tried to shake off the funk but I knew deep down Marie was going to come face to face with Miss Karma herself.

“Douche Bag broke up with her, I sent him an email last night, now I’m the consolation prize but I’m not going to be anyones second choice” Surfer boy messaged me the next morning.

Damn!!!  Good for him I thought!  I told him that I was sorry that she hurt him and that he deserved someone who would be true to him and his daughter. Somehow I thought that I needed to apologize for my friends behavior but she’s a grown woman who created this mess…..so why was I apologizing for her? I was more embarrassed about her behavior than anything.

I never told her that I knew that Mr.Douchebag broke up with her and I never heard from Marie …… I didn’t think I would…..but something tells me that she’s not done with DB and she’s doing everything possible to clear her name. ….BUT if DB is really done with her than I hope she learns her lesson. This will be the first time (and I mean it!!) she will be without a man, she won’t have someone to help mend her heart or comfort her, she won’t have a man to feed her ego and whisk her off to beautiful places.

She needs to learn how to be alone ……

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Son….some girls are just CRAZY!!

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Yesterday I wrote about The Things My Mother Never Warned Me About which entails the  advice that I have given my two daughters (19 and 22yrs old) in hopes that they would never have to utter the words “Mom, why didn’t you tell me”, the “words of wisdom”  that I gave them  of course needed to be tweaked for my son, who is 17.

When it comes to my son, he’s a little tough to crack. It will take him awhile to open up and share things that are bothering him but he has always known that he can confide in me and that I will listen. I always know when something is up because he gets snappy, he shuts himself off to the world and looks as though he had been crying…..or as he would say “he had something in his eye”.

As my son got older I had this overwhelming fear that he would pick up some of his fathers bad habits and that the polite boy with manners would disappear. I would often remind him to,

Open the door for girls…..cars door, front door ….any door.

If you ask a girl out to the movies or dinner pay for them.  (He went a bit further with this and not only paid for his date but her two sisters that HAD to tag along)

If you are no longer interested in the girl you’re dating, don’t string her along. DO NOT under any circumstances, cheat!!

~ I remember sitting in the car with my son (a year ago) talking about just that….he looked at me and said “Mom, you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to be like dad…..I’m not a player”, I was impressed but sad at the same time, because his father is married yet his overly flirtatious (cheating) ways haven’t been as discreet as he thought….but kids are stupid they see and hear things.

There have been moments that he had his heart broken …..seeing him hurt just killed me, but I gave it to him straight.

Teenage girls don’t know what they want ….. and some still don’t know what they want when they become adults.

She’s bad news if she flirts and is overly touchy with another guy while standing RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!  She has no respect for you and loves the attention.

Learn to cook a couple good meals so you can impress your date. (I tried to teach him to make a few things so when he is out on his own he could impress the ladies….uhmmm….haven’t had much luck. I think frozen burritos or Hot Pockets will be on the menu)

Don’t wear dirty smelly clothes, wash them.  (the day that I taught him how to do laundry he told me that he didn’t have to learn because “that’s what a girlfriend or wife are for”…….that was the WRONG thing to say to me; needless to say he had plenty of practice for weeks to come)

Put the toilet seat down!! 

If the girl you are dating all of a sudden starts making excuses to not see you, stops texting and stops calling….there’s a problem. If we like you we will want to see you, if we don’t….we pull away. 

If you are going to have sex, please use protection. (call your sister, she has connections with the condom fairy)

Do not hit a woman. When you feel like you are going to lose it….take a walk.

Being a pizza delivery boy may be ok now…….but women don’t marry pizza delivery drivers. Trust me….no woman wants to say “yeah my husband delivers pizza for a living”. Work towards a career that will bring you fulfillment.

Romance is NOT dumb.

Take the initiative to plan out a date .No one likes to have this conversation:

“so what do you want to do tonight”

“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, whatever you want to do”

I know some of the things that I have told my son probably will have to be repeated at one time of another….multiple times even, but he does know that if we (his sisters and I) hear that he broke a girl’s heart he will hear about it from us. All in all I think he will be fine……he’s a good kid!!

Things my mother never warned me about

Between my sister and I, I’m the oldest. There have been many times throughout my thirty nine years that I wished that I had a big sister  (or a sane mother) who would give it to me straight regarding life and all its ups and downs, to tell me about the many “Prince Charmings” that would come my way and how to protect my heart from their fraudulent ways, to tell me to keep true to myself and never become a doormat and that it’s ok to cry.

As an adult there have been many moments where I would think “shit, thanks Mom for telling me” vowing to always make sure my kids would never have to utter those very words in their adult life.

Here are a few things that I have shared with my daughters (22 and 19) in recent years.

Use sunscreen, don’t use baby oil to tan you will see the damage the sun did to your skin many many years later. The sun is not your friend.

Arm jiggle it’s for real…..one day while you are brushing your hair you will see it, it will be waving back at you.

Pasta and bread ARE NOT our friend…..it will attach to your hips and some how make you gain 10 pounds overnight! We were not as lucky as my sister who has remained a size 4  all these years!!!

Follow your gut, yeah that nagging voice in your head-the voice of reason follow it. Sometimes you will try and negotiate with yourself….making excuses why you shouldn’t listen to your gut, but let me tell you……you will learn the hard way if you don’t.

Guys (some) will portray to be everything you want them to be at first but once they know they have you in a blink of an eye the man that was once about the “Iove yous” and being by your side turns into someone you don’t even recognize. Romance,sex, I love yous are no more …. he shuts you out, his friends and video games are more important …..when you bring this up, he will accuse you of wanting to change him or that it’s all in your head. It’s not in your head…..he’s the one that decided to go all Jeckyl and Hyde not you.

Don’t lose sight of your own passions, remain true to yourself!

If you feel he lies to you, call him out on it.

Men will break your heart and you may think you can’t go on without him……but you can. Grab some ice cream, put on your favorite movie and make a list of all the things that irritated the hell out of you when it came to him, pretty soon you will have two pages of red flags….and you will realize you are better off without him. (this totally works).

It’s true…..when the right one comes in your life, YOU WILL KNOW!!  He will show you that just because you may have a little spat he still loves you and isn’t going anywhere. He will show you love like no other. He will not change after he knows he has your heart……you will never have to doubt his love.

Experience life ….. travel, have fun, make your bucket list and knock some of them out before you have children. Make everlasting memories…you are still young!!

Women can be catty ….. it’s ok to have a few close friends. The amount of friends you have doesn’t measure your worth as a person….I would rather have 3 really close friends than 400 facebook friends that could really careless if I couldn’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans!!

Relationships are tricky….it’s best not to start one with blinders on. Those rose colored glasses, take them off!! Don’t make excuses for his temper…or if he physically or mentally abuses you, what you are with is NOT a man but a coward and a bully. You deserve someone so much better.

Do NOT under any circumstances have any of your exes play matchmaker, this will only end badly!!  They may say they are ok with setting you up with an acquaintance or friend but that’s not the case.

Learn to change your own tire, check your oil and always carry a blanket, water and a tool box in the trunk of your car.

 

Sincerity bit me in the ass ….

I just heard the most hilarious thing ever…..actually it was borderline ridiculous, nauseating and hilarious all rolled into one.

The town I grew up in is quite small, well not one traffic light small but small enough that people like to share other people’s business with others for example; recent hook-ups, who’s dating who, guess who’s getting divorced and guess who I spotted with your ex.

At this point in my life if Mr.Crazy found happiness then good for him…..everyone needs to find their true love, right? so, when I heard that an old schoolmate of mine was now dating him I wasn’t too shocked because again, it’s a small town and nothing surprises me anymore.

While on Facebook the other day I saw her on another friends (schoolmate) page and friended her, because at one time we did hang out in high school and I truly wanted to see how things were going on in her life. Then today while skimming my lovely Facebook page there was a picture of her with Mr.Crazy… the first reaction I had was to find the nearest trash can because just seeing him made me want to throw up my just consumed skinny vanilla latte. “What the hell did I ever see in him…..UCK!”  I thought to myself.  It’s pretty much the same reaction when I see the woman who my husband use to date “UCK!!” ….. seriously I have no idea what he saw in them…..one looks like a stocky tranny.  ….BUT love is blind.

After my nausea passed I actually was happy for my schoolmate, she looked happy. I sent her a quick message stating that I wished them the best, because obviously that picture was posted on FB (today) for a reason.  She responded rather quickly, thanking me and also mentioning that she was sorry that things didn’t go well between Mr.Crazy and I.  “Ohhhh shit girl don’t be sorry…it shouldn’t have ever happened” is what I wanted to send back…..but I sent her back a rather sincere message stating that I am where I was always meant to be and that my relationship with Mr.Crazy was just toxic (some people are just not meant to be together)…but that I hope that they find the happiness that they deserve within one another.  She thanked me and I went on about my day, feeling actually relieved that Mr.Crazy has moved on and will no longer hassle me or stalk my blog.

Now…… here comes the funny part.

(ten minutes later)

I get a message from her stating  “you only friend requested me because of Mr.Crazy, that must mean you aren’t over him or what happened. Which makes me feel bad for your husband and I hope that you will be able to move on and truly live your life”  ….. when I read this I laughed so hard that a co-worker peeked into my office to see what was so funny.  I quickly corrected any misconceptions she had  as nicely as I could….because what I really wanted to say was this :

“You’re kidding right? I left him …. I faked early menopause just so I he wouldn’t touch me.I put two restraining orders out on him. I regret ever being with that man and falling for his nice guy image. I fell out of love with him way before our marriage came to a crumbling halt…..if you don’t believe any of this let me direct you to my blog and there you can read all about  Mr.Crazy and his in ability to move on…..and seriously LOOK at my husband and then look at him…..enough side”

But……I didn’t….she will have to learn on her own. He can feed her lie after lie…..it doesn’t matter, it’s not my problem. I seriously was happy for both of them and actually now I can see they are meant for one another…..they are both looney!!!

~ needed the laugh though but still the thought that someone thinks I’m hung up on that gives me the heebie jeebies….uck!!

 

Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

Date night on a Monday?

Yep…. who said date nights had to be saved for Friday and Saturday nights?

After work I met my husband at Chili’s, as we sat eyeing the menu we caught each other up on our day ….his seemed more exciting than mine; our new (well used) riding lawn mower stopped working …… the edger for our lawn fizzled out and an impromptu trip to Home Depot to switch out the edger took place.  He also showed me some new things he discovered on his new phone but all I noticed was his font on his phone was EXTRA LARGE……..and yes, I couldn’t help but throw an “old” joke his way. “Just you wait, I thought the same thing when I was your age (he’s 54) things go downhill once you turn forty…just you wait!!” he laughed.

I barely ate anything on my plate …… with every bite I took, I kept thinking of the weight loss challenge being held at work and the fact that I have already lost 6 pounds; I couldn’t afford to fall backwards and gain a pound or two back. Thankfully my husband was there to finish the other half of my burger.

After dinner we headed on over to the movie theater to see Last Vegas  boy let me tell you …………..there was hardly anyone there and I loved it!!  We settled into our seats, enjoyed some upcoming previews and spent the next hour and a half enjoying a great movie!!!  ~ you must see it!!!

Once the movie was finished we headed back to his car …… in unison we both yawned “geez….it must be past our bedtime, what is it 9:30?” I said mid yawn.  We jumped into the car and headed on over to the Chili’s parking lot to pick up my car. As he pulled up to my car, it kind of felt like old times when we were dating (ten years ago)……. I looked over at him and said “kinda feels like a real date with you dropping me off at my car and all” ……he smiled and said “well, I have your number….I’ll give you a call sometime”, I laughed and told him I’d see him at home.

Driving home I recalled those dates nights we had back in the day ….. I will tell you this, I never heard “I will give you a call sometime” ….. I made sure of that!!