Daily Prompt : With or Without You

I’ve given a few ultimatums in my day but I wanted to share one that was given to me about four years ago.

Mr. Crazy (2nd husband,divorced, but at the time we were living together) was in one of his jealous rages and no he wasn’t jealous of another man or my time spent with friends …he was jealous of my furkid, Lily.

“It’s either me or the dog, choose one”  he spat.

I laughed. Does he really want me to answer that truthfully? no one in their right mind would give such an asinine demand but again he wasn’t in his right mind, come to think of it… he was probably off his meds.

He threw out the ultimatum again, “It’s me or the dog !!!!” I looked straight at him and said, “I choose Lily”.

The look on his face was priceless, he was shocked. “You would choose a DOG over me?” he said angrily. “She’s not just a DOG, she has been with me through thick and thin…..and your ultimatum is the silliest thing I have ever heard, you are jealous of Lily!”

He thought the way he felt was truly valid but he was told by our therapist that being jealous of a dog was just crazy and that the ultimatum he tossed out was not only immature but stupid.

Come on look at this face …… you’d choose her too!!

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Thankfully, my husband loves Lily and the rest of our furkids…. he spoils them rotten with love, attention and many beggin strips.

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Daily Prompt : Close Call

Yesterday as I was pulling out of my driveway I grabbed my phone and made a call to my daughter; as I made my way to the end of the street I put her on speaker phone. I started to talk to my daughter while I inched closer to the stop sign, but there to the left of me was a police car.

“Shit….Ann l gotta go”

As I spoke those words, the police car drove slowly in front of me.

“uhhh what?” my daughter asked.

“Shit….the cop just saw me on my phone I’m soooo getting a ticket!!”

I sat at the stop sign for a few seconds….took at deep breath and turned onto the street awaiting my fate. “shit, I’m going to hear it when I get home…I’m never going to live this down”  as I turned the corner I was expecting to see  flashing lights but nope, the police car was a half a mile away.

“What ….. How is that possible, I know he saw me?” I said to myself. If this happened in California the police officer would have turned on his lights as he crossed my path and probably would have made hand gestures to motion me to pull over and that he indeed saw me on my cell phone.

Later that night I told my husband what happened. “I thought using your cell phone was banned throughout the United States?” I asked, he assumed the same thing…..but I guess here in Arkansas it’s a different story.

Per the DMV for Arkansas

Cell phone use is banned for all drivers under 18. Drivers 18 and older, but younger than 21, are banned from using hand-held cell phones while operating in school and highway work zones.

Unless it’s an emergency, school bus drivers aren’t allowed to use cell phones, including hands-free versions, while driving a school bus.

All drivers, regardless of age, are banned from texting.

So there you have it……That’s why Mr.Policeman kept driving.

Daily Prompt: Close Call

Daily Prompt: Sad but true

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Sixteen years ago (give or take a few months) after the birth of my son I was in serious need of losing some weight. My weight loss was slow….but I was watching what I ate and going to the gym but I hit a plateau after a while. As frustrating as that was…..I still trudged on but at times fell weakness to the good old Quarter Pounder with cheese or Snicker bar (damn chocolate).

One afternoon, the kids and I went to my parents house to go on a pontoon ride around the lake….. the kids gathered up front, my mom sat in her usual spot, my sister found a spot next to my kids and I claimed the seat in the back, behind the driver’s seat. My dad started up the boat ….but nothing happened, he started it up again, the motor strained.

My dad got up and made his way to the back of the boat…..without hesitation he said “Jolene why don’t you go sit upfront, your weighing down the boat”. His comment stung….at the time I was too hurt to say anything. What I wanted to do was call him an ass and make reference to his beer belly…..but I grabbed my towel and made my way to the front of the boat.

What was keeping the boat from moving was a bunch of weeds stuck in the propeller, but do you think he apologized? …… no

I did end up losing a lot of weight….but the unhealthy way, which was taking double the amount of Phentermine and not eating, but the judgmental words of my father haunted me.

 

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Daily Prompt: Release me

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In today’s Daily Prompt, we are asked what post made us nervous to publish and how it felt to just set it free. I knew instantly the post(s) that made me second guess hitting the publish button, but as soon as I did I felt a giant weight lifted off my shoulders.

Back in August, there was a daily prompt called “The Open Letter” and I decided to write a letter to my twenty-something self. For myself, it’s always hard to go back to that place in time when life was just full of sadness and heartbreak…..but I had to. I guess I could have taken the easy way out and wrote a fun, silly letter to the people of Walmart, but I needed to do this for myself. It was time for this Valley Girl to get raw and to show those who read my blog a different side of myself.

Here’s my post  ” Open Letter to my twenty something self”

 

Dear Jolene,

I know you are in a dark place right now but please don’t give up. I know it would be such an easy fix to just end it all but you can’t. Don’t listen to that piece of shit ex-husband of yours when he says that the kids would be better off if you were no longer in their life. Don’t let his evilness plague you, it’s his own selfish need to reign on top in their eyes that keeps him going. Yes, he will continue to tell your children that you didn’t want anything to do with them but you know the truth and one day they will to. They will know that you cried for months before turning to him for help, you knew he might revel in the fact that you needed him; that you couldn’t make it on your own without his assistance but I know you thought he had changed you thought he was a better person than that. You believed him when he said that he was glad to help, plus it was time for him to get to know his children and be the father that they need.

I wish I could hold you through your pain and sadness but you did the right thing. You didn’t give up on your children, your decision to let your kids live with their father while you get it together was out of love for them. You knew him and his wife could offer them more than you could right now and to be surrounded by family would only create life long memories for them. They could offer them an abundance of love, daily laughter, holidays that they will remember, moments that they can treasure. You did the right thing trust me. Yes, it’s difficult to be without your children on a daily basis and that hole in your heart will only be temporary filled when you hear them on the other end of the phone or when you wrap your arms around them  and see their beautiful faces staring back at you.

You did this for them remember that. You will show them that with perseverance and faith that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Yes, you only make minimum wage and are working a crappy job but this will lead to so much more. Don’t give up please…..plus you don’t want him to win and you know he will feel vindicated and his words true if you give up. I know you hate the poison that he seeps into your children’s head but one day they will learn the truth, one day they will feel it in their heart that you did this for them and that your choices weren’t based on a selfish need.

Lessons you will learn and some lessons are big, but you need to realize that you are a lot stronger than you realize. You are not alone on this journey remember that, turn to God when you struggle he will pick you up. You will experience heartache, you will experience the endless desire to seek your parents approval which my dear will never come so please don’t make that a priority, live for your children, love but not too hard, yes protect that giving heart of yours but when that one special man comes around you will know……but it won’t be for sometime, A LONG TIME…..he will leave but God has a plan…just trust in him. Please.

I hope this finds you some peace. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat things because I know you hate that so I will say that it will be a tough road but it’s worth it in the end.

Remember, I love you

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The next day I still had ghosts that I needed to confront so I followed it up with this post “Knowing what I know now” and once the last word was typed I felt free of all the pinned up pain and fear that I have felt all these years.

 

 

Daily Prompt: Reading material

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When it comes to choosing blogs to read…… it’s all about the heading, for example:

Don and jesus do Canada, sort of… (Don of all trades)

To suck more, or to not suck more? That’s the question!  (1 year single)

My Feminity Change at the Eye Drs Office (Lisa Johnson Sawyer)

The Date With The Therapist (Dating Dramas of a Thirty something)

These are just some that have made me stop to read their entertaining, witty, sometimes jaw dropping blog. I enjoy blogs that grab my attention…I’m not much into the do-it yourself blogs because I’m not a do-it yourselfer. I don’t find myself clicking away at Political posts because I hear enough about it on the news. I don’t like whiny blogs….yes, occasionally we have to vent and get on our soapbox, sometimes we are experiencing something earth shattering….that’s different from the constant “Feel sorry for me, everyone hates me” blogs, the first five posts …ok I get it…..but after that you lose me.

When I read a post, I want to get a sense of that person, are they being “real” with your readers or is it just a bunch of fluff or smoke and mirrors? As for myself, there are no smoke and mirrors. I may not share EVERYTHING due to some prying eyes but if you are a blogger friend, I tend to fill you in via email…..but for the most part my blog is a representation of me. My silly and not so silly experiences moving to the country….I’m a long way from California that’s for sure!!

Daily Prompt: Reading Material

Daily Prompt : Naked with black socks

 

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My palms sweat, I contemplate over and over again how I can possibly get out of this situation, my heart races and wouldn’t you know, my nervousness jumps starts my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)…..great!

Public speaking has always been an issue for me; in school I would rather get the F then go up in front of the classroom and give a speech. As I got older my fear of speaking in public just got worse, but I had to confront my fear head on because I had no choice….I couldn’t “call in sick”, I couldn’t pretend to have a sudden bout of laryngitis; I had to stand before my work colleagues and give my presentation.

People say to get over your fear of speaking you should picture the audience in their underwear, well ….. I’m sorry I wasn’t going to GO there with my co-workers; it just wasn’t going to happen. So for a week I practiced my speech, an hour before our meeting I went over and over it again…..I made sure I didn’t eat anything that morning in fear that my IBS would show up. It was time; I tried to make eye contact …. I tried not to rush through my presentation …..I tried not to fidget or pick at my nails … I tried to smile ….I tried to push the thought of “what are they thinking” out of my head ….. I tried to read the expression on their faces …were they bored?  Are they interested? Are they judging me?

The speech is now a mere blur, my boss was impressed and suggested that I give a presentation once a month. Thank God her “once a month” idea never took. I think if it did I would have had to look for another job!!

I envy those that are confident within themselves to speak in front of a room full of people, I envy those that go up to a total stranger and strike up a conversation because I can’t. I won’t. You couldn’t pay me enough…well maybe you can, for a price.

My fear comes down to one thing, judgment. I have heard “who cares what they think” many times over, but I care. I care what they say about me, think about me, I don’t want to be mocked or laughed at, well unless I say something funny. Maybe….one day I will get over this fear, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

 

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Daily Prompt: The cat says meow

They say when the cats away the mice will play, well when my mom and dad are gone my son and I just nap, but today I decided to play with moms laptop; it took me forever to  find the right button though ……my darn paws are so hairy!!

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My mom is a push over, she spoils me rotten and if I don’t get my way at first all I have to do is throw a tantrum, she calls it “the floppy fish”, not sure what a fish is but I lay on my side and kick out my feet but she laughs every single time and of course I get  her undivided attention……it’s ball time.  She tries her best to throw the ball across the room, sometimes it hits a wall and bounces back …. I can tell by her lack of throwing skills that she must have been picked last for games, like baseball.

My dad loves baseball but I just don’t understand why they run after hitting the ball and they don’t bring the ball back, they just keep running, maybe if they brought it back they would get praised like my mom praises me when I return with the ball.

“Dart will you stop making funny faces at Sami, she’s outside because she didn’t come home on time before mom left for work”

“Mom what’s work?”

“I don’t know son, it’s a place they go during the day  …sometimes they come home grumpy but we know how to make them smile”

“Yes we do….we bark and jump and give them sloppy kisses……then we get a treat…I love those treats, do you think grandma will remember we are low on Beggin Strips?”

“I don’t know if she wrote it on the paper and Sami is outside so she can’t jump on the counter to check, but I’m busy I have to finish this before mom comes home…can you chew on a bone or something?”

Where was I?

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Ohhh yes…I love my mom, she takes us outside to chase birds and frogs, she throws us birthday parties and makes us eggs on our special day, she bathes us with nice smelling shampoo, buys me pretty dresses, she makes sure I have nothing on my face or on my bum, she tends to me when I eat too much grass and have a stomach ache, she also took care of my four babies when I just needed some peace and quiet….she slept on the floor for days while I hid under the bed just to get some sleep. I miss her when she’s gone and wait patiently for her to return. She’s my best friend, she gets me and I get her…..yes I can be a little brat sometimes it’s not like I ignore her on purpose….I hear her call for me ..but I smell things and I need to figure out what they are….it’s when she middle names me that I know I better see what she wants.

She’s awesome!!

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Click here to view others Daily Prompt: Write a story about yourself from the perspective of an object, thing, animal, or another person.

Daily Prompt : Toy Story

In today’s Daily Prompt it asks : What was your favorite plaything as a child? Do you see any connection between your life now, and your favorite childhood toy? 

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When I was a little girl there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t play with my Barbies. Barbie, as well as her friends and I went on many made-up adventures, parties at her dream house was a weekly thing and Ken could have had his own “Sister wives” reality t.v show with all the weddings he took part in.

Although Barbie has great fashion sense, I never adopted her sense of fashion. Barbie never said never…..she was always up for a challenge and you couldn’t tell this woman she couldn’t partake in “THE MANS WORLD” she jumped right in and became an Astronaut, Doctor, Army Ranger, Nascar driver…..she even was a Presidential Candidate.

The only thing that Barbie and I have in common, besides multiple marriages …having a younger sister and of course being a mom. We both worked at McDonalds, but my burger flipping days were cut short when I thought I was “too” good to work at the golden arches.

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Daily Prompt : Dark circles be gone!!

In todays Daily Prompt I am asked what luxury I can’t live without, well oddly enough it’s not my cellphone, car or Nook although they come very very close. What I can’t live without is the one thing that keeps my dark circles under my eyes well hidden, that keeps me looking like I got a full eight hours of sleep instead of the 3-4 hours that I have been getting recently. It helps in those moments when I find myself crying for some reason or another and need a quick touch up. This wonderful invention is my one little luxury that I can’t live without ……..

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Daily Prompt : Regrets ….I’ve had a few

Todays Daily Prompt asks What’s your biggest regret? How would your life have been different if you’d made another decision?

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I have often thought about how my life would have been like if I never met Mr.Crazy. Life would still be a struggle, this I know  but I wouldn’t have had the extra chaos that being with him brought on. I believe my relationship with my oldest daughter would have never seen the obstacles that it did when I decided to date and then marry this man. Being with this man caused a lot of turmoil between my daughter and I and my first husband seeing this only fueled the fire by his nasty words and constant manipulation of the situation. I knew she only wanted the best for me and rushing into a relationship especially with him was just setting me up for failure. My kids never truly liked him ….. they thought he was a bit “odd”. My oldest daughter just wanted me to focus on my faith and take sometime being ALONE then being with a man.

I would like to believe that my relationship with my ex and his family would still be  tolerable and not what it is today………….it was my ex-husband that introduced me to Mr.Crazy, never thinking we I would settle and end up marrying the guy. My ex wasn’t too thrilled with the progression of the relationship and he made it such an issue. Mr.Crazy once said “it’s like he is still hung up on you and doesn’t want me to be with you”. Sure seemed like that for awhile……once I moved in with MC everything around me started to fall apart. My relationships with my girls and my ex just started to unravel. Chaos thrived in this household…..it sucked the life out of everything positive….and if I am being honest with you…there wasn’t much.

I would have never been introduced to his rage and that “look”….which I only saw when he unleashed his monstrous rage. I wouldn’t have to see the negative side of a mommas boy and be fooled by his family. I would have never been prescribed Prozac for my  anxiety and end up gaining 40 pounds because of it. I would have never faked early menopause just so he wouldn’t touch me.

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In the end, when I was at the crossroads of my life and if I knew what I know now……I would have never gone down that road that was full of turmoil, lies, secrets , depression, dysfunction and mental illness…..I should have listened to my children when they said  “WHY HIM?? really mom??” , I should have listened to my girlfriend who said “why are you lowering yourself, you two don’t even look right together”….I should have listened to the many who said “you can do so much better” but I had my super powered rose-colored glasses on and hands over my ears.  I was going to do what I was going to do…….no one was going to tell me otherwise.

and if you all are wondering …yes I did hear a lot of “I told you so’s” ….. yes I had to admit my mistake and yes I have had to work hard on restoring my relationship with my oldest daughter …it’s still not where I want it to be, but I feel in order for that to happen she needs to remove her rose-colored glasses and see her father for who he is…..but like I, it took me time to remove mine and face reality. My relationship with my middle child Ann is better than ever and my  son….he hates to be in the middle of family issues so he has learned to step away or just keep it to himself and focus on school and football.