House Divided: A fellow blogger needs some helpful advice…….

house

Earlier this week I wrote about an ultimatum that I was given regarding my furkid, Lily….my post resonated with a fellow blogger who is currently going through a similar situation. After reading her email I felt her pain and asked her if I could share her current dilemma with you all in hopes that she can get the encouragement, wisdom and strength that she so needs.

download

Clara is married, has 3 children under the age of ten and lives in a quaint suburban neighborhood. Back in October of last year they decided to add to the family and adopt a dog, I will call him Fido. Fido was less than a year when they got him so he still had those puppy tendencies.

This was the families’ first pet (besides the occasional fish) and it was a major adjustment for everyone, but mostly Clara who took on all the responsibilities that come with owning a dog. As the weeks went on, her husband grew irritated with Fido…he never allowed himself to bond with him. She assumed this was because he never had any pets growing up, where she had. She knew there was a problem when she had to go out of town for a couple days due to her job and her husband refused to take care of Fido while she was gone.  “You will need to kennel him or find someone to watch him” he told her. He didn’t want the responsibility of caring for this bundle of cuteness while she was gone…..knowing that  kenneling the pup would be costly and her tight wad of a husband was now making things difficult with her regarding Fido, she told her employer that she wasn’t able to attend the conference.  She also thought maybe the best thing she could do was give Fido back to the family who adopted him out because of all the tension that was brewing at home….she called the family and they were more than happy to take him back. She changed her mind 2 days later.

A month ago Clara noticed that Fido wasn’t acting right and took him to the vet; after many tests and several Xrays it was determined that Fido had several objects (toys,hairband) in his stomach and surgery was necessary. $1200 later Fido was recovering.  While he was under the watchful eye of the vet, Clara was home being made to feel as though Fido’s incident was her fault, her husband demanded that she get rid of the dog and that she owed HIM $1200. (You heard me, she owed him)  She was beyond stressed and beside herself, she tried to sell things to pay her “debt” back to her husband, there was no reasoning with him at all, a day didn’t go by that he didn’t send her into a tearful mess…..just his crude words and cold heart towards this pup baffled her. He made her feel guilty for wanting to get together with her friends for her birthday stating that she still owes him $1200 and how they can’t afford it.  (They have money).

Tension just grew between them, she knew he was being unreasonable but talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. He claimed he never wanted a dog and only agreed to shut her up…..she didn’t know what else to do so she called the previous family to see if they would take the dog back, they agreed. The thing is they live in Texas and can’t get him until sometime in March. Clara was broken hearted, cried daily…this little furkid was her baby, she loved him.

Clara told me that she got the courage to talk to her husband about everything …. He claimed that he never told her to get rid of him, granted he never spoke those words his actions spoke loud and clear. She thought maybe she could go back on her word  (again) with the previous owners but her husband still refused to have anything to do with Fido if she had to go out of town and the money issue would never be dropped. She then blamed herself because she knew he wasn’t going to own up to his coldness towards this whole thing.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked.

I went over what she sent a couple times; we exchanged a few emails just so I could  get the full story. I finally told her that:

1. She shouldn’t have to OWE her husband anything. She’s in a marriage not a business, they both work and financially contribute to the household and that it was their decision to bring Fido into the family. Granted, if he never wanted a dog this should have been addressed….he shouldn’t have just gave in to “shut her up”.

2. I told her that I didn’t understand why he isn’t willing to take care of the dog when she is required to go out of town to attend seminars for her job. She shouldn’t have to kennel him … she should be able to count on her spouse to take responsibility for their four-legged furkid, plus would the cost of kenneling him be tacked on to the debt that he claims she owes him?

3. I also told her that the issues with the dog are just the icing on the cake…..there has to be more. She needs to find her voice in that marriage because in my opinion she doesn’t have one, not really. When finances are concerned he can buy what he wants (2 laptops in a mth….computer time/games) and come up with a valid reason for these non-budgeted items but when she needs something “its not in the budget”  is what she hears.

4. I told her that she can’t go back on her word again with the previous family who had Fido, they are looking forward to having him back…..plus it’s not like her husband is going to change his mind…..any unforeseen expenses with be HER FAULT, the tension will STILL be there, he isn’t going to change. Plus, Fido needs a yard to run in, he needs a family that will love him completely.

My heart breaks for her…..I can’t imagine being in her shoes right now.

Please feel free to leave your comments for her here…… she will read all of them!!  Thank you  🙂

Son….some girls are just CRAZY!!

113

 

Yesterday I wrote about The Things My Mother Never Warned Me About which entails the  advice that I have given my two daughters (19 and 22yrs old) in hopes that they would never have to utter the words “Mom, why didn’t you tell me”, the “words of wisdom”  that I gave them  of course needed to be tweaked for my son, who is 17.

When it comes to my son, he’s a little tough to crack. It will take him awhile to open up and share things that are bothering him but he has always known that he can confide in me and that I will listen. I always know when something is up because he gets snappy, he shuts himself off to the world and looks as though he had been crying…..or as he would say “he had something in his eye”.

As my son got older I had this overwhelming fear that he would pick up some of his fathers bad habits and that the polite boy with manners would disappear. I would often remind him to,

Open the door for girls…..cars door, front door ….any door.

If you ask a girl out to the movies or dinner pay for them.  (He went a bit further with this and not only paid for his date but her two sisters that HAD to tag along)

If you are no longer interested in the girl you’re dating, don’t string her along. DO NOT under any circumstances, cheat!!

~ I remember sitting in the car with my son (a year ago) talking about just that….he looked at me and said “Mom, you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to be like dad…..I’m not a player”, I was impressed but sad at the same time, because his father is married yet his overly flirtatious (cheating) ways haven’t been as discreet as he thought….but kids are stupid they see and hear things.

There have been moments that he had his heart broken …..seeing him hurt just killed me, but I gave it to him straight.

Teenage girls don’t know what they want ….. and some still don’t know what they want when they become adults.

She’s bad news if she flirts and is overly touchy with another guy while standing RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!  She has no respect for you and loves the attention.

Learn to cook a couple good meals so you can impress your date. (I tried to teach him to make a few things so when he is out on his own he could impress the ladies….uhmmm….haven’t had much luck. I think frozen burritos or Hot Pockets will be on the menu)

Don’t wear dirty smelly clothes, wash them.  (the day that I taught him how to do laundry he told me that he didn’t have to learn because “that’s what a girlfriend or wife are for”…….that was the WRONG thing to say to me; needless to say he had plenty of practice for weeks to come)

Put the toilet seat down!! 

If the girl you are dating all of a sudden starts making excuses to not see you, stops texting and stops calling….there’s a problem. If we like you we will want to see you, if we don’t….we pull away. 

If you are going to have sex, please use protection. (call your sister, she has connections with the condom fairy)

Do not hit a woman. When you feel like you are going to lose it….take a walk.

Being a pizza delivery boy may be ok now…….but women don’t marry pizza delivery drivers. Trust me….no woman wants to say “yeah my husband delivers pizza for a living”. Work towards a career that will bring you fulfillment.

Romance is NOT dumb.

Take the initiative to plan out a date .No one likes to have this conversation:

“so what do you want to do tonight”

“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, whatever you want to do”

I know some of the things that I have told my son probably will have to be repeated at one time of another….multiple times even, but he does know that if we (his sisters and I) hear that he broke a girl’s heart he will hear about it from us. All in all I think he will be fine……he’s a good kid!!

Things my mother never warned me about

Between my sister and I, I’m the oldest. There have been many times throughout my thirty nine years that I wished that I had a big sister  (or a sane mother) who would give it to me straight regarding life and all its ups and downs, to tell me about the many “Prince Charmings” that would come my way and how to protect my heart from their fraudulent ways, to tell me to keep true to myself and never become a doormat and that it’s ok to cry.

As an adult there have been many moments where I would think “shit, thanks Mom for telling me” vowing to always make sure my kids would never have to utter those very words in their adult life.

Here are a few things that I have shared with my daughters (22 and 19) in recent years.

Use sunscreen, don’t use baby oil to tan you will see the damage the sun did to your skin many many years later. The sun is not your friend.

Arm jiggle it’s for real…..one day while you are brushing your hair you will see it, it will be waving back at you.

Pasta and bread ARE NOT our friend…..it will attach to your hips and some how make you gain 10 pounds overnight! We were not as lucky as my sister who has remained a size 4  all these years!!!

Follow your gut, yeah that nagging voice in your head-the voice of reason follow it. Sometimes you will try and negotiate with yourself….making excuses why you shouldn’t listen to your gut, but let me tell you……you will learn the hard way if you don’t.

Guys (some) will portray to be everything you want them to be at first but once they know they have you in a blink of an eye the man that was once about the “Iove yous” and being by your side turns into someone you don’t even recognize. Romance,sex, I love yous are no more …. he shuts you out, his friends and video games are more important …..when you bring this up, he will accuse you of wanting to change him or that it’s all in your head. It’s not in your head…..he’s the one that decided to go all Jeckyl and Hyde not you.

Don’t lose sight of your own passions, remain true to yourself!

If you feel he lies to you, call him out on it.

Men will break your heart and you may think you can’t go on without him……but you can. Grab some ice cream, put on your favorite movie and make a list of all the things that irritated the hell out of you when it came to him, pretty soon you will have two pages of red flags….and you will realize you are better off without him. (this totally works).

It’s true…..when the right one comes in your life, YOU WILL KNOW!!  He will show you that just because you may have a little spat he still loves you and isn’t going anywhere. He will show you love like no other. He will not change after he knows he has your heart……you will never have to doubt his love.

Experience life ….. travel, have fun, make your bucket list and knock some of them out before you have children. Make everlasting memories…you are still young!!

Women can be catty ….. it’s ok to have a few close friends. The amount of friends you have doesn’t measure your worth as a person….I would rather have 3 really close friends than 400 facebook friends that could really careless if I couldn’t fit into my favorite pair of jeans!!

Relationships are tricky….it’s best not to start one with blinders on. Those rose colored glasses, take them off!! Don’t make excuses for his temper…or if he physically or mentally abuses you, what you are with is NOT a man but a coward and a bully. You deserve someone so much better.

Do NOT under any circumstances have any of your exes play matchmaker, this will only end badly!!  They may say they are ok with setting you up with an acquaintance or friend but that’s not the case.

Learn to change your own tire, check your oil and always carry a blanket, water and a tool box in the trunk of your car.