My friend really needs to give up juggling!!

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It took every ounce of me not to say “I warned you, Karmas a bitch and now you are feeling her wrath” but I couldn’t, she’s still my friend but I did let her know how disappointed I was in her for breaking the heart of someone who always treated her well.

About a month and a half ago I wrote about my good friend Maries choice to leave Surfer Boy and go back to Mr.Douchebag (you can read about it here :Love doesn’t leave bruises) as far as I knew she had broken things off with Surfer Boy and was now probably walking on egg shells trying not to set off Mr.DB; she really didn’t mention much to me over the past month because I felt she knew I wasn’t a fan of her choice.

I was so wrong……she had taken up a new sport, juggling……men.

Friday evening I received a message through Facebook from Surfer boy…I thought it was a bit strange at first but figured he must be contacting me because he wanted to get her back. I was wrong. What I read was disheartening.

“I have been crushed to find out that Marie has been cheating on me. Next time warn me, I put my heart and soul into her only to find how sneaky and horrible she has been behaving has really hurt me. Hope she Is happy with “DouchBag”, she and that POS deserve each other. the open condom wrapper was the first sign, did I mention it wasn’t mine. I’m so grossed out and feel sick to my stomach Aloha”

I was shocked…..well actually no, I wasn’t shocked because this is typical Marie behavior she always has to have a back-up. I sent him back a message telling him that I was sorry that she hurt him but I thought she had ended things over a month ago.

“She had sex with me a week ago, it was a week ago today and it was right before I went to go teach her kids to surf all afternoon. i just went and bought a tree with her and her put it in her home. I feel all alone and betrayed and deeply sad and hurt. I treated her like my partner, her kids like my own. she had been planning a family with me. Marriage, kids, etc. I guess I wasn’t rich enough, I didn’t know she was so materialistic.”

The more I heard the more pissed off I became. She needed to stop this behavior, this wasn’t some playboy…. this was one of the good guys, plus there were kids involved. I went back to messages that Marie and I exchanged discussing her choice to leave Surfer boy for Mr.Douchebag and that per their “rules for reconciling” they could not have any contact with exes OR ELSE it was over….and they had to delete their Facebook pages. I knew this would be hard for Marie, but I also knew she would do anything to be back in the arms of DB.

As I was about to log off of Facebook I saw that Surfer Boy let his broken heart be known and told all of Facebook land that he has been cheated on. “Ohhh shit” ….. I had to let Marie know before she got a message from someone else. I pretty much told her that I was so disappointed to find out that she had been cheating on Surfer Boy and that I thought she had ended it with him. “Why are you getting involved?” she asked.  “He involved me….and now has involved all his Facebook friends”. She told me that Surfer Boy was in denial and that she hadn’t slept with him…..her story was full of holes and when I mentioned certain details that I knew she was silent. “You don’t know him so why share things with him that I told you?”

“You’re right I don’t know him…..but I know things you have told me about him. You told me that he reminded you of Terri…the man that you regret ever hurting….the man you cheated on for your now ex husband. Surfer boy was good to you and your daughters…he was genuine. He was one of the good guys that didn’t deserve to be cheated on or hurt. You NEED TO STOP THIS!! You need to stop hurting people and messing with people’s heart. You don’t like it when it’s done to you so why do it to others?”

She continued to tell me that he was crazy and delusional  …..which were things she would say about all the other men that she hurt in the past. I just wanted off this roller coaster ride ….  as the night went on, I didn’t hear anything more from her or Surfer boy.. I tried to shake off the funk but I knew deep down Marie was going to come face to face with Miss Karma herself.

“Douche Bag broke up with her, I sent him an email last night, now I’m the consolation prize but I’m not going to be anyones second choice” Surfer boy messaged me the next morning.

Damn!!!  Good for him I thought!  I told him that I was sorry that she hurt him and that he deserved someone who would be true to him and his daughter. Somehow I thought that I needed to apologize for my friends behavior but she’s a grown woman who created this mess…..so why was I apologizing for her? I was more embarrassed about her behavior than anything.

I never told her that I knew that Mr.Douchebag broke up with her and I never heard from Marie …… I didn’t think I would…..but something tells me that she’s not done with DB and she’s doing everything possible to clear her name. ….BUT if DB is really done with her than I hope she learns her lesson. This will be the first time (and I mean it!!) she will be without a man, she won’t have someone to help mend her heart or comfort her, she won’t have a man to feed her ego and whisk her off to beautiful places.

She needs to learn how to be alone ……

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Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

I think my diet is making me cranky

 

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“If we go out there you can see Dennine” the hubby said.  “Well, that would be nice and all but she’s gone MIA. I have called and sent several texts over the last month and a half but she hasn’t responded”. I replied.

I know she’s alive; she posts pictures on Facebook of her children…..so I’m not worried that she fell down a well or was abducted by some alien creature. She’s just busy……and I will continue to tell myself that over and over again, but the way I am feeling today is that you should never be sooooooo busy that you just can’t respond to your best friend…..GOD knows, when shit happens in the lives of my friends, I’m all ears. If they need to rant, cry and bitch about something I am ALWAYS there for them. I don’t look at my phone and ignore them. …maybe I should.

See, the hubby was asked to speak at a retirement ceremony and this means that we may fly out to California for a few days……and Dennine happens to live very close to where the ceremony would take place, so it would give us a chance to see one another.

I miss her

I told my husband that she has a lot on her plate right now and making time to see me probably wouldn’t happen considering she hasn’t responded to any of my messages. Simply ….it is what it is.

~I’m just going to be blunt ….. when someone calls  or sends you a text, send a flipping response. It doesn’t have to be that second or even that same day….just acknowledge it. This isn’t just for my MIA best friend……but THOSE other people know how I feel. I respond…even if I am busy.

Also ….while I am on this rant of mine. When I am asked to do things (this isn’t pertaining to work), I pretty much drop what I am doing and complete the task required of me……it’s just what I do. If I need to research something, plan something, pick something up, call someone, and schedule an appointment …..Whatever, I’m on it….I get it done. What annoys me is if I ask for the same in return do you think it’s done with a prompt “get it done” attitude? HECK NO!!   what I need to do is have the same “I will do it when I get around to it” attitude!

I think this new diet and my lack of sleep has made me cranky

I felt like I was knee deep in high school drama again

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Last night I received a text from one of my dear friends, Marie (otherwise known as “The Maid of Dishonor”) I could tell by the tone of her message that she needed a little assistance to climb down off the ledge that her over active mind helped her up get up on.

“Omg, I’m going to blow!!! He never got rid of these. Are you freaking kidding me?, he’s still following these girls on Facebook. There’s at least ten of them”

The girls she is talking about are of a slutty nature  for example, Jenna Renee ..she sent me a screen shot of one of the women he’s following.

“This is a deal breaker” she said.

Instead of fueling the fire and climbing on the ledge with her, I decided that I wasn’t going to sugar coat things for her. She can’t control who he “follows” on Facebook ….she should know this by now and for heaven sakes it’s Facebook.

“You can’t control who he follows, he’s not liking them outright, he’s human, this is a small issue, nothing to get on his case about, YOU’RE DATING.  He stopped liking those scandalous pictures on his Instagram which updated to his Facebook page when you told him that you felt disrespected ….which it was considering you are helping him brand his image”

I knew she had snooped ….. nothing good ever comes from snooping.

“I disagree. I told him it bothers me and at this point it’s a matter of respect. We have been talking about getting married and this is pretty much a deal breaker. This is a red flag, I’m following my gut on this one”

I felt myself getting overly anxious, I told her she was being ridiculous and before she does anything stupid to really think about what she is doing. She has a habit of “self sabotaging” her relationships…..picking something small out and making it into a Mount Everest situation.  This man wasn’t her ex boyfriend who are a total pig – this man was the total opposite, he made her and her children a priority, he adores her, he isn’t about the drama or the scandalous lifestyle like her exes were.  I mentioned to her that she was letting her insecurities eat her alive, that if this bothered her so much to tell him in a matter of fact way, don’t bite his freakin head off. She already scared him enough with the whole Instagram debacle….shit she made the guy cry!!!! I also reminded her that he probably followed these girls way before she was even in the picture.

“I am very careful with what I put out there because of my job and the fact that I’m friends with clients and other parents, I don’t want to be linked to a guy I’m dating/potentially going to marry that follows a slew of sluts and secondly he uses FB to promote his business…he’s asking me to stand behind his image and brand but this is just trashy and creepy”.

I had a feeling she had an army of girlfriends fueling this man bashing session and I was the only one brave enough to tell her that she was not seeing clearly.

“It’s not like you are running for some government office, no one is going to dig that deep into who you are dating especially to see who he follows. Marie, you are so worried about him crossing the line or how others may see him but you can’t tell me that you don’t put on some extra charm while you are out at these black tie parties and red carpet events. You flirt….do you think that’s ok? Do you think that you are portraying the right image? I’m just saying don’t condemn this man when you aren’t a saint yourself. You can’t control who he follows….plus if you make a big to do about it you are going to remind him of his insecure, jealous ex-wife” I told her.

“why are you saying I flirt, I wouldn’t disrespect him like that. I bring him everywhere” denial…..urgh. It was like talking to a brick wall.

I was exhausted. I wasn’t going to continue to try to reason with her when that’s not what she wants. She’s looking for a way out of this relationship and in typical Marie fashion she is going to pick this one thing and go with it.

“Marie, please don’t make any rash decisions, sleep on it…call your therapist in the morning…..but if you won’t and you break this off because of this “deal breaker” then I hope you stand behind your decision and not waffle….like you tend to do once the guy grovels at your feet, stand firm in your choice and move forward…don’t look back, which you ALWAYS tend to do….don’t fall weakness to your loneliness. Let your choice to end it be the end of your cycle of repeating years of relationship -will never do agains”

She didn’t respond. I knew she wouldn’t.  She doesn’t like hearing the truth….when someone else (her friend Michelle) is stirring the pot and egging on the drama.  It was then that I shook off the heaviness of the past ten minutes, I couldn’t allow her drama become mine.  I know that she won’t see reason until she is happy in her own skin. Drama is usually due to needing attention, when the attention isn’t totally on her she usually bolts, fearing rejection. Granted at times when I have given her advice she will listen and agree that it makes sense but in the end she won’t change.

Daily Prompt : I am a rock

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“Why didn’t you ask us for help?”  Mommy Dearest said.  “Ask you for help? The last time I asked for help you looked at me like I was a failure, you made me feel guilty every day when I had to drop off my children …YOUR GRANDKIDS….so I could go to work. I refused to ask for financial help anymore because you would throw it in my face constantly…….I had to do what I had to do to survive. Do you THINK I wanted to bounce a check at the grocery store? The kids had to eat….I knew it was wrong…..but I wasn’t getting much assistance from their father” This is what I wanted to say…….but I didn’t. I just looked at her judgmental stare….the stare that even to this day is impeded in my head. (this was over 16 years ago)

It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I have learned that sometimes it’s better to ask for help rather than go at it by myself….but even though I know this, I still find it difficult.

I also have a hard time with just asking for advice or sharing a current situation with people because well again, I fear judgment….I fear that I will be secretly discussed…..again this has a lot to do with Mommy Dearest and finding out that she spoke horribly about me to a family friend, never thinking that this family friend would share every last detail about their conversations with me and she did this only because she felt sorry for the words she heard coming from my mothers mouth…..but in a way it didn’t shock me but it was heartbreaking to actually hear it from someone elses mouth.

In the last week I actually shared some very personal things with a couple of old friends and ….. well some new friends that I have made through WordPress. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel so blessed that the two (newly made) friends have texted me daily to see how things are going……even during the rough moments they continued to check in. One simply road this hectic ride with me……..while the ones that have known me the longest just well …… had other things on their plate, like going to parties and hanging out with Danny Devito. Yet, when all hell breaks loose in their (her) world I drop everything to make sure she’s ok.

In the end, there are things that I can only rely on myself to accomplish because I know that I am strong enough to tackle it…………….but then there are moments when darkness surrounds me and having those people rally beside me to listen ,to offer sound advice, to help me find humor in a situation, to take my mind off my troubles, to shed some spiritual assistance …… and lastly reaffirming my belief in the meaning of friendship you guys are truly my angels, my rock…..you guys know who you are, I just want to say THANK YOU!!!

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Daily Prompt : I am a rock 

Is it really stalking or just being overally nosey?

A question has come up recently by a fellow blogging friend regarding an ex “stalking” her blog…… “I know he reads my blog, but why would he do this? he has a girlfriend” ….we pondered on this question for awhile….analyzed his behavior, pretty much came up with a few ideas :

1. he is in no way on the level of Mr.Crazy when it comes to crazy stalking behavior

2. he misses you and although he knows he can’t be with you right now; he just longs for a little piece of you and he can get that by reading your blog.

3. his girlfriend is just a filler.

4. He may stalk your blog daily, even visit hourly…..but just as long as he isn’t doing anything harmful to you then catch him off guard and say hello!!

I  began to think about different levels of crazy……  and remembered a conversation I had with Jenny about 12 years ago….it went something like this.

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“Hello”

(whisper) “You would never believe what I am doing…guess”

(whispers back) “why are you whispering? are you eavesdropping on someone?”

(whisper) “I’m hiding in a bush watching Scott and his wife clean up the front yard….why are you whispering?”

“You’re in a BUSH? You’re crazy…what if he sees you?”

“He won’t, my car is parked down the road….and I doubt he can …ohhh wait, shit he’s looking this way”

“Ohhh Jen, you are going to get caught…..why are you there anyways?”

“He gave me some lame excuse , he SAID he was going out of town……but he’s outside with his wife fixing up the front yard!!!….Jolene?”

“Yeah Jen”

“You’re going to have to come along next time”

“OK…..please don’t do anything stupid”

“hmmm….I’m in a bush, this is not one of my most proudest moments”

I admit….back in the day I have had some not so proud moments when I let that little obsessive behavior come out; but I noticed that it only happened when someone I loved did me wrong…..like cheated…..of course that question  “what does the bitch look like?”  consumed me and one can’t help but be overcome with curiosity right???  I’ve never gone as far as Mr.Crazy though…..who would come into my complex in the late hours of the night to see if I was home or not…….he spit on my home window, dented my car with his fist, and spit on the car door handle of a male friends truck. NOW….that’s stalking gone overboard!!!

Marie told me recently how her ex left an envelope with a thumb drive inside. It was a slide show titled Marie’s Legacy…..on this slide show were pictures of them together….pictures of parties they attended….I even made it on the slide show…..then he put in a picture of a notification that was sent to his phone on where she was on one particular night(creepy)….then there was a picture of a guy she is dating who was surfing (is he stalking him too)…lists of ex-boyfriends from her past was also on this slide show.

“What do I do?” she asked

“Don’t play into his crazy, that is what he wants…..for a man to shuffle through hundreds of photos of you and him and put something like this together is just nuts. He’s stewing, he’s probably oozing the crazy stench right now…..just please leave him alone”

“I just checked his Match.com page and he is on it all the time…..yet he tells me that I’m the one he wants but dates all these other woman”

“Are you on Match?”

“NO….I just made a fake profile up just to keep tabs on him because I’ve noticed that once we head to our own places he is instantly on there”

“Just leave him alone Marie, he’s playing you”

She agreed, but Marie has a mind of her own and admittedly said she’s addicted to the drama…..but I just hope that this is a clear sign that this man is a bit unstable……I guess it would be one thing if the slideshow was put to some romantic music with a love letter or poem at the end….but there wasn’t any hearts or clip art rose pedals on the screen.

But going back to what I was saying at the beginning, if someone I dated, or even married wants to read my blog……more power to them…..I don’t really know what purpose it serves them…………but as long as they stay their distance and don’t write childish idiotic comments then I’m fine…plus it brings up my stats.

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Daily Prompt : Pat on the back…. Way to go Jenny!!

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Todays Daily Prompt was a no brainer for me. I am so proud of my best friend, Jenny. With all the hard work, endless nights of studying and achieving her Masters; which is an awesome accomplishment ….but this is not what I am so proud of her for…..well I am….but I’m here to tell her that I am so proud to hear the news that she landed herself a full-time teaching contract and in just a few short months she will be welcoming a classroom full of seventh graders who are on the cusp of hormone central!!

I have no doubt she will handle every situation thrown at her with grace. No student will be able to get away with much. I dare them to try to get close to her grade book, try to pass off another student as their cousin that is visiting from another town just so they can gossip during class, pretend that they are sick to only leave campus for the day,  they may think that they can pull one over on her….but they have a surprise coming. She will be onto their little games in no time….because we played our own little pranks on our teachers when we were in school together.

Without a doubt Jenny with be an influential part in these teens life and when they are adults, “Miss Jenny was my favorite teacher” will be said by some. I only wish I could see her in action….maybe one day I can sit in on one of her classes and be introduced as “her cousin who is visiting from another state”………………what do you say Jenny??

I’m so proud of you!!!

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To see what others have written about their Daily Prompt, click here: Pat on the Back

True friends tell it like it is ….Please stop this nonsense!!

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Yesterday, I was speaking with my friend Marie who was distraught over a very recent break-up. I didn’t quite understand why she was upset because she had been trying to find a way to end things with him for months and sorta/kinda moved on with another man but yet she was stating that she screwed up badly and sabotaged the best thing that she ever had. Well “The best thing she ever had” never had time for her, put together a spreadsheet showing when he could fit her into his schedule, disrespected her in front of others, flirted with other woman in front of her, they brought the worse out of each other such as insecurity, jealousy, anger, bruises and to top it off he didn’t like her dog!!!  Her vision of “The best she ever had” was totally off kilter.

“Jolene, he’s a hot commodity here….all the women want him. It felt good to be with him when we were out on the town, just knowing others envied me made me feel good…plus when I was talking to my mom  she mentioned that I needed to stay with the corporate types because they make money”……ok, I was glad she admitted it…… “Marie, remember when Katie Holmes started dating Tom Cruise? She was in awe of him, she loved what he was about; money…glitz ….glamour….for heavens sake he was  her childhood crush and now she was in the spot light being envied by other woman, but after awhile his full crazy showed…….and now look at them”   why I brought up Crazy Cruise is beyond me but she saw my point.

“Marie, you have a man in your life (the new guy) who is giving you all that you ever wished “Corp” would. He’s romantic, thoughtful, giving, he is wonderful with your children and he is drama and chaos free, who cares if he doesn’t wear a suit and tie and makes bookoo bucks, this man adores you. He’s not some bipolar pizza delivery driver (no offense to delivery drivers I was trying to make a point) with no direction, he has his own business and gives back to the community……..in some ways he reminds me of Terry…..and you tossed him aside because your mom said he couldn’t provide for you the way you deserved….now here’s your chance to be with a man who is all about balance but for some reason you think you deserve chaos. You need to stop listening to your mother…..is SHE happy in her marriage? No. Would you be happy with Corp knowing full well that you are just a spot on his spreadsheet?? No….Will you grow to be ok with his anger and flirtatious ways or will it just feed your increasing insecurity? Is this the makings of a long and lasting love???? Uhmmmm NO”

I know I was being somewhat harsh, but sometimes tough love is needed. I remember those times when my Best Friend Jenny would give me those core shaking talks, but it was her honesty and hard cold truth that made me see the light and I love her for that!!

“You’re right” is all she said. I could hear the frustration in her voice. I know she’s conflicted……I just wish that she could see beyond the glitz and glamour that she so wants to be a part of. I feel bad for this new guy who has been waiting patiently for her while she has been playing ring around the rosy with her feelings for Corp……..but  because of certain actions on Maries part Corp won’t speak with her. “Marie, just remember how you felt when you and Joe were ending things and Corp was the “other” guy….it was hard for you to let Joe go to, but you did…..you need to realize that love may not come in a suit and tie, maybe it’s time for you to see how love without  jealousy and doubt feels like, maybe it’s time for your daughters to see their mom happy, maybe it’s time for a good male role model to be part of their life unlike Corp who never fit them into his”

Our conversation was cut short…..but I hope she heard me …REALLY heard me. I just wish she would stop listening to her mother and those high society “it’s all about money” friends……because this is reality not some Real Housewives of “Santa Barbara”.  I just want what’s best for my friend and that’s not Corp, she deserves a real genuine man.

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“OK, I will budge….how are you?” ….calling a truce

Thirty four years of friendship under our belt must mean something right? We shouldn’t just squash it all to pieces just because we had our first fight in YEARS. After I wrote vented about My Maid of Dishonor a couple weeks ago I couldn’t move forward…….normally after I vent about something I let it go and move on, this didn’t happen.  She HAD to be missing me, right? I missed her and hearing all about her crazy chaotic life….we never had gone THIS long without talking or texting.

Yes, her behavior before and after the wedding was not cool by any means but it shouldn’t be what causes our friendship to end.  So yesterday I got up the nerve to text her…….I felt silly staring at my cellphone figuring out what to say. Finally I jumped ………

“Ok, I will budge…..how are you?” I knew her phone would beep to announce she had a message, but the silence was killing me. Was she just going to hit delete? Was she going to read it and think who the heck is this, I don’t know this number? But then there was a good possibility that she simply wouldn’t get it because she’s waiting on cellphone # 7 to arrive in the mail…..she had a habit of losing or breaking them.

My phone went off a few minutes later and of course she didn’t recognize the number but she had figured it was me. We slowly played the “how are you doing” game and slowly feeling things out…….I gave her my very short cliff note version of my life in the country and then NOTHING………..but I didn’t get my panties in a bunch….ok maybe a little…….but the next morning my phone went off like crazy, she filled me in on all that has happened in the past 5 months and then I read it……she wrote……“I really miss you” she was back. ….but I was left a little saddened because she shared some troubling news about her health. She was diagnosed with kidney disease and parathyroid and that’s when I started Googling away.

Our friendship trumps any stupid fight ………. Because I know there is going to be a time when my phone will go off at the wee hours in the morning ……it will be her just wanting to talk and I will be there for her……………..like I have always been. No matter what!!

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That’s us …. putting on one of our many shows for the neighborhood. I’m the brunette little girl, she’s the blondie and that little girl in the pink is my sister.