I’ve been in my head a lot lately… (more so than normal) this has only ended up in restless nights and daily headaches. I haven’t discussed this matter with my husband because he’d probably start to tune me out five minutes into my dilemma plus right now, his ailing mother health is on his mind and that’s priority over my “little” situation.
See when I was a teenager, my mother made a comment that one day she would like to take my sister and I to Hawaii… just the three of us, she also made this comment one other time in my early twenties but it went in one ear and out the other. So imagine my surprise when I got a message from my mother asking if I had plans later on this year because she wanted to take my sister and I to Hawaii….airfare and hotel included.
Yes I know I hear you “Ohhh wow, Awesome…Lucky” …. Noooo…..NOT AWESOME, NOT AMAZING, NOT “it’s time to prepare for swimsuit season”….there was no jumping up and down, actually come to think of it ….. I think I was actually sitting on the toilet when I was reading her message. My first reaction was “There is no way in hell I’m going to be stuck on an island that’s surrounded by sharks with that woman!!” I reread her message again ….. I just want to relax and sit in the sun, you and your sister can do whatever. Sure she says that now, but I know this woman…I know how she works. If my sister and I went on our merry way and saw Hawaii in all it’s glory my mother would get her feelings hurt and pout if we didn’t include her, then years from now she will throw it in our faces that she paid for our trip to Hawaii and we just ignored her and when we remind her that she stated that all she wanted to do was relax and lay in the sun she will deny ever saying any of it.
Scenario after scenario played out in my head…. my sister and I deciding to get a few drinks down at the Tiki Lounge and my mother decides to come along and join in on Girls Night……she has one too many drinks and starts sharing a little too much about her and our father. This has happened before, it wasn’t girls night it was more like lunch at Applebee’s when my sister was in college…..it was just plain awkward.
Too much has happened between us that this gesture just seems kind of constructed. It’s almost like if I accept her invitation that every hurtful word, every manipulating action, every head game, every stab in the back would be erased. Does she not realize the countless hours, months even that have been spent talking to therapists because of her mind games and the realization that her and my father were incapable of loving me….(which ties somehow into my past screwed up relationship choices) that they didn’t know how to distribute their love between both daughters and at times the way she behaved was just childish.What I want from her is not an all expense trip to Hawaii, I want an apology…..I want her to at least acknowledge that she realizes that her actions were not right. I would take a purely genuine hug over a trip to paradise from her ….. you know why? because I never had one…..her hugs were fake, I dreaded those pretend “lets show them we are a happy family” fake hugs.
I can just see it now…..you think those Real Housewives are crazy, I can just see us now…..tension building on the long ass flight over there…my sister doing her best to entertain the both of us, taking a xanex just to deal with her own stress.Once we are there…..we all come together for dinner, we start in on drinks….next thing you know someone says something, I react, mom denies…I don’t let her deny, my sister takes another drink and all hell breaks loose. …..my mom makes a dramatic exit, I pay the bill and tell my sister that I’m going for a walk and my sister stunned by what just happened, slams down another margarita and says “Welcome to Paradise”.
My mother needs an answer in a couple of weeks, but in all honesty I don’t think I can take the time off from work, I think there is a plan to go on some riding trip later in the year so I need to save up my hours for that…..and I know there are two weddings coming up this year, one of which happens to be in California. I know my sister wants me to go and I guess that’s where my waffling is coming from….. if I had a normal relationship with my mother this wouldn’t even be an issue, I would make this work….urgh…I’m just getting a stomach ache just thinking about it. If I can’t have a conversation with her over the phone that leaves me feeling the need to shake it off and have a glass of wine how in the world am I suppose to manage to go on a mom/daughters weekend in Hawaii??