Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

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That was the last text message I sent to a good friend of mine yesterday. I understand that whatever road she chooses for herself and her children is her decision but I care about her so much that I don’t want her to go down that road again with THAT man.

I don’t understand how such a beautiful,caring, intelligent, driven woman can’t see her own self worth? How can she be addicted to such a horrible man that brought her to tears so many times? Not too long ago she shared with me how she found her journal that she kept while she was this man and  page after page she warned herself of the red flags, horrible memories filled the pages in front of her, lies he told, broken promises, his rage and so much more.  She told me that she would never make those mistakes anymore, that she deserved so much better. I was relieved.

Until …… I received a message from her the other day stating that she was breaking it off with her boyfriend (surfer boy) of nine months because he wasn’t driven and well …… financially secure. The following day she texted me that she still loves Mr.Douchebag and can’t get him out of her mind.I knew there was more to the story so after a few questions she told me that they were going to meet that night to talk about possibly getting back together.

Nothing I said deterred her from meeting him……not even reminding her  of what her therapists had told her about their highly dysfunctional relationship to what lined the pages of her journal. How was it possible for her not to see that he was her drug……something about this man, she craved. Could she possibly be addicted to the drama as well?

She recounted their meeting to me the following day. They spoke about their future, laid out a financial plan and how to integrate her into his life. He deactivated his Facebook and all memberships to dating websites and deleted all his female contacts ….. his request was for her to do the same (delete male contacts and deactivate Facebook) along with having access to all accounts which requires the release of passwords.  From what she stated he wrote a three page “life plan” and has changed.

I call BULLSHIT.

There should be no vise grip or need to have such a control over each other’s life if they are going to try this again. There should be no need for strict conditions to be placed and they shouldn’t have to draw up a stupid ass spreadsheet to try to fit her into his life. I believe (and I told her) that too much has happened that they will never fully trust each other. They can agree to “no more bars” but they did that before and that didn’t last very long……she can dictate that he can’t associate with girls that make her uncomfortable because that would mean he would be on house arrest…. everyone in that town is beautiful.

Those two, when they are together are toxic, “I appreciate your feedback and clearly get you don’t support me even considering it. Love is a strange thing. I know I love him” she said.  “You’re right….I don’t like him. He hurt you countless times…..you’ve showed me bruises that he has put on your body….I saw firsthand his temper……LOVE…..Love doesn’t cause bruises”

It makes me sick that I can’t do anything for her. It makes me sick to think that she thinks that this is LOVE. What would she do or say if it was me in this situation or even worse ….. her daughters?  He turned her world upside down; he tore her down with words and actions …..but she allowed it and she’s contemplating jumping back into the lions den for round ….. twenty.

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14 thoughts on “Love….Doesn’t leave bruises

  1. We’ve all been there haven’t we? We’ve all loved the guy we shouldn’t love. I know I’ve certainly found a drug in at least two of the men in my life. We all have vices. She’ll come to her senses one day but she has to find her senses her way. And in her time. You just gotta be her pal. It’s sad to see but you can’t make her see the bruises if she can’t see them herself yet. Speaking from experience, she won’t leave him until she’s ready and there’s nothing on this earth that you can do to change her mind. Well done for being there for her though. Big up to you xoxo

    • I know she has to “learn” on her own ….. but I don’t know if I have it in me to hear about their drama, craze induced relationship again. I know that is so bad of me…. last time I was consumed with worry, constantly checking on her. I saw for myself how jealous they are of each other…..I saw childish behaviors erupt between them….I saw tempers boil over. Actually everyone saw this at his surprise birthday party …… it was what I saw later that night that made my heart hurt.

      I just don’t want it to get to the point that she will finally GET IT when she’s laid up in the hospital because of him.

  2. Or, Don, you can extend the long Blue Line to Jo’s hometown and get a compadre to take idiot boy out on an educational motorcycle ride. It is very sad, Jolene, that she won’t listen to friends.

  3. It’s called codependency and cognitive dissonance……it happens in abusive relationships. Maybe try to help her understand this. It’s tough being in an abusive relationship…..I stayed way longer than I should have to. Check out my ebook http://eepurl.com/xOjdf
    “how to recognise you are in an abusive relationship and the 4 step stategy to get out.”
    These articles are good to.
    http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in.html
    http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Codependency.html

    Sounds like you are a great friend, stand by your friend, she needs you.

  4. I feel your pain. All we can do is be there for them. Respect them and let them know that you are there for them. I would encourage her to read my two post below.

    http://sexandthecincy.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/we-accept-the-love-we-think-we-deserve/

    http://sexandthecincy.wordpress.com/2013/09/22/limit-yourself-in-love-no-seriously/

    http://sexandthecincy.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/be-the-change-you-want-to-be-in-the-world-unless-you-dont-want-to-change-at-all/

    My friend is going through the same thing. It’s heartbreaking but hopefully they’ll come too. When they do…be there

  5. Want to hear a story…I´ll write it anyways, I was in a relationship with a girl that she was the one who slap the shit out of me, she would go nuts, loose complete control, she even stabbed me on my leg when I was passed out drunk in bed, not kidding,(if course she´d latter start sobbing and go to the pharmacy to take care of me) I eventually found out that apart from growing up in a life of crime where for her getting slap was normal she also suffered from schizophrenia paranoid. If I would talk with a guy, she would get angry saying I was talking about her, and if it was with a girl…forget about it a slap in the middle of the street, and I stayed for a year. and I ain´t no pussy you´re talking to a guy that´s been in the Spanish Legion a deployed two times,been in more fistfights that you can count with all your fingers and toes but with men, but why I stayed… I´ll admit she knew(she maybe crazy but it doesn´t mean she´s stupid) I was broke and a drunk so she paid for the booze and whatever little room we would stay, but once I sobered up I said what the fuck was I thinking….obviously I wasn´t thinking.
    Give me a call, I slap the shit out of this surfer guy,never liked surfers don´t know why.
    You said “could she possibly be addicted to drama”, I´m not a psychologist but there is definately something not working quite well in her head, my case was being broke and booze, drunk all day, but being sober now, can´t imagine staying in a toxic relationship.
    Hope she gets things straighten up in her head and leave the bastard.

  6. Pingback: My friend really needs to give up juggling!! | Valley Girl Gone Country

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