Mommy Dearest and I ~ somethings never change

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Something strange happened yesterday, my mother “friend requested” me on Facebook. For me, this is strange because she’s been on Facebook since 2008; it took her six years to decide that I was worthy enough to be one of her “friends”. Granted, from 2008-2011 I could careless, I think I even blocked her from time to time….it wasn’t until I “thought” things were getting better between us that I friended her….nothing….I waited…for months i waited…..still nothing. I requested again, I knew she had been on Facebook because she commented on my sisters’ timeline, she was ignoring me. It wasn’t until last year that I found out some horrible things she had said about me to a friend;  I felt duped, played and overall stupid. I let her in, I believed her sincerity, I believed she cared….but after the things I found out, I vowed to never fall for that again. Then the whole birthday debacle happened earlier this year when my parents both acted like little children and didn’t call to wish me happy birthday because they thought I didn’t want to have anything to do with them because I never gave them my new number”……What new number??? Point is they never tried….they never called.

I knew that instead of investing tears and anger on my mother, I remembered the “tools” a previous therapist told me to do when it came to my parents and after having a moment in the bathroom, crying…..I walked out of there feeling better.

I’ve seen my parents since then, at my oldest daughters graduation……it wasn’t as awful as I thought. I bit my tongue and stayed pleasant. She gave me a present (a religious book,a card that had her handprint in it (bizarre) and my grandmothers necklace which she claims I’ve always wanted…no, that wasn’t me) which I didn’t open till later and before we said good-bye she pulled me aside and said “I love you, I really do”…..it was not sincere, it was as if she was trying to convince herself. I told her nicely that we weren’t going to get into this now. She said ok. Don’t get me wrong, if I saw love and sincerity in her eyes then I would believe her, but she wasn’t fooling anyone….plus this was the first time she met my husband so she had to “look good”.

The last time we spoke was a few weeks ago when I had to call to get some information…..I wanted my sister to call and get the information for me. This would elevate the dread that I felt, but I remembered the words my therapist told me “They are just people, NOT your parents. They will never be the parents your sister has; they are incapable of loving you, they have been toxic to you. You need to see yourself as an orphan to move forward. You will never get their approval, you need to stop trying to seek it, you will never measure up to their expectations. Once you realize this you can move forward in your life”, she was right……I picked up the phone. “Hi Dad, it’s me I need to get some information from you…….” We talked briefly and then I heard HER, she grabbed the phone. I had to repeat what I just told my dad and she gave me the information that I needed……she wanted to chit chat but I told her I was at work. “Hey Jolene….I love you, I really do….ok? I love you”.   She fails in sincerity, again I didn’t buy it. I didn’t buy it when she would “hug” me for show because there was no love in those hugs, just coldness…just like coldness I sensed in her tone..you can tell when someone is being fake….it was an act, like I said “for show”.  I feel that she’s just doing this because well, she’s in her seventies and may have a good 10-15 good years left….and wants to clear her conscious.

So, imagine my surprise when I got the Facebook request. I could decline it like she has done time and time again to me, but I’m not her. I accepted. I looked at her timeline and noticed that she had recently broke her hand…..details of her fall and “feel sorry for me” posts lined the page in front of me. I called my sister and asked about it…”yeah she fell, she thought she sprained it but didn’t get it checked  for about a week…then she got mad at me because I didn’t call all week to check on her”….wow, typical….I didn’t miss my mother’s “feel sorry for me”  plea’s or attempts to make you feel guilty.

“I told her that I called her Monday and that it was Saturday”. My sister said.

“Well, it’s not like she had surgery or was in the hospital for some illness, she broke her hand”

“Yeah your right, Dads probably waiting on her hand and foot…she also said that she can’t text or FB much because she can’t type”

“ She was on Facebook just now…….and I don’t think Dads waiting on her , he’s probably at the bar drinking because he can’t handle the orders, but he may just be telling her that she has a perfectly good hand that still works and to use that”

*****

Leave it to me to have a “nightmare” about my mother regarding what took place yesterday.

We (my dad, my mom and I) were back in California, driving around the town that we used to live in. My father was speeding through red lights not giving a care who may be coming in the other direction. I am yelling at him that he is being reckless and then all of a sudden I’m unleashing all my hurt and pain that I have felt to my mother regarding us. Things I’ve only spoken to my therapist about. The abandonment that I felt growing up, seeing her love my sister but pushed me aside, choosing her ….. always. This dream went on and on…..but as I spoke, she never looked at me, her back to me never once acknowledging me……come to think of it. My father and mother never acknowledged that I was in the backseat.

~ dreams….I guess I really haven’t truly dealt with things. I’ve just managed to push it deep down in my subconscious.

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8 thoughts on “Mommy Dearest and I ~ somethings never change

  1. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that Jolene – I know you’ve mentioned things before but that must be quite a painful thing to write about in such an honest way… Your kids (and fur kids) are very lucky to have you as a mother!

    • I try not to write about my relationship with my mother but sometimes I just need to “let it out”. I wrote about it more in previous blogs though.

      I just have to remind myself constantly to “stop the cycle”, don’t repeat learned behavior…. it’s worked! I’m not perfect and I slip sometimes …seeing my mom in some of my actions. I stop instantly…..I pay close attention to what I am doing.

  2. Ah, yes, I am all to familiar with the cold insincere hugs knowing they are just for show. I’m sure you’ve read some of my dilemmas with my mother, her guilt trips and how I still feel sorry for how her own sisters treat and use her. But as you did, I’ve pushed away as well. And as you have felt, I’ve always felt that my younger sister was the favorite of my parents. They know it, I know and my sister knows it, no one will admit it though.

    I probably should have hired a therapist for myself. That advice about how they are “just people not your parents” is actually brilliant.

    • That little piece of advice that was given to me by my therapist not only helped me but has helped a close friend of mine as well.

      My therapist told me that I needed to go through the “Grieving” stages….and I did and in time it helped. I don’t see them as “mom and dad” although I mention them that way in this blog and to them. I still have some respect for them and honestly calling them by their first name would just be to weird.

      I had to disconnect especially after what took place at the end of last year…..but staying away from the drama,manipulation and games has been nice.

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