“Why didn’t you ask us for help?” Mommy Dearest said. “Ask you for help? The last time I asked for help you looked at me like I was a failure, you made me feel guilty every day when I had to drop off my children …YOUR GRANDKIDS….so I could go to work. I refused to ask for financial help anymore because you would throw it in my face constantly…….I had to do what I had to do to survive. Do you THINK I wanted to bounce a check at the grocery store? The kids had to eat….I knew it was wrong…..but I wasn’t getting much assistance from their father” This is what I wanted to say…….but I didn’t. I just looked at her judgmental stare….the stare that even to this day is impeded in my head. (this was over 16 years ago)
It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I have learned that sometimes it’s better to ask for help rather than go at it by myself….but even though I know this, I still find it difficult.
I also have a hard time with just asking for advice or sharing a current situation with people because well again, I fear judgment….I fear that I will be secretly discussed…..again this has a lot to do with Mommy Dearest and finding out that she spoke horribly about me to a family friend, never thinking that this family friend would share every last detail about their conversations with me and she did this only because she felt sorry for the words she heard coming from my mothers mouth…..but in a way it didn’t shock me but it was heartbreaking to actually hear it from someone elses mouth.
In the last week I actually shared some very personal things with a couple of old friends and ….. well some new friends that I have made through WordPress. I can’t begin to tell you how I feel so blessed that the two (newly made) friends have texted me daily to see how things are going……even during the rough moments they continued to check in. One simply road this hectic ride with me……..while the ones that have known me the longest just well …… had other things on their plate, like going to parties and hanging out with Danny Devito. Yet, when all hell breaks loose in their (her) world I drop everything to make sure she’s ok.
In the end, there are things that I can only rely on myself to accomplish because I know that I am strong enough to tackle it…………….but then there are moments when darkness surrounds me and having those people rally beside me to listen ,to offer sound advice, to help me find humor in a situation, to take my mind off my troubles, to shed some spiritual assistance …… and lastly reaffirming my belief in the meaning of friendship you guys are truly my angels, my rock…..you guys know who you are, I just want to say THANK YOU!!!