There was a time when all I wanted was a man like Ponch from C.H.I.P’s; while my friend, Marie was more into John ….for all I was concerned she could have him… I wasn’t too much into blonde men. I liked them tall, dark and looking damn good in a uniform….. and at the age of ten (yes you heard me…TEN) my list of “must haves” began.
I know that I am not the only one with a “Checklist”, after my short-lived fascination with Ponch and a few high school romances my list started to take off……..the only people who knew of such list were my two closest friends, Marie and Jenny . We would often talk about our list of “must haves” in men, erasing and adding when necessary. ……it wasn’t until I was twenty-something that my list really took off, I had to make sure that the man of my dreams didn’t possess any qualities of His Royal Highness (1st husband) and the men I briefly dated.
Number forty-five: He must have complete control of his bodily functions or at least ask to borrow one of my kids’ pull-ups before bed! ….this was added after my brief rendezvous with Andy….my mother thought we would hit it off because we were both from California. Well MOTHER besides his drug and porn addiction and peeing in my bed HE WAS A WINNER.
When I moved back to California and met The Major (my husband) he was that tall (taller than me), dark (had a nice tan) and ohhhh sooo handsome man in uniform. He also was older then me(fourteen years older to be exact), treated me like a lady in public but behind closed doors he treated me like a naughty little whore in bed, he turned my world upside down and when we parted ways my list grew!!!
Number fifty-seven: must be older then me
Number fifty-eight: must be excellent in the bedroom. (lessons on how to please a woman will NOT be tolerated and given)
Number fifty-nine: must call me Darlin’ with a Southern accent
Number Sixty : Must not wear tighty whities. Who in their right mind told men that it was ok for them to wear tighty whities….this is NOT attractive…….just because David Beckham can rock them doesn’t mean YOU CAN!!! (boxer briefs,boxers,comando….all acceptable)
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-thirties that I knew my list was getting out of control ….the bar was set too high and after my brief nine month relationship with The Major no guy even came close…….so I began to cross things off the list…who am I kidding it was more like making alterations to the already large list.
Number five: must be a man in uniform
(cop,fireman,military) (ok….any type of uniform….McDonalds uniform, gas attendant…. anything….but he has to look good wearing it)
must be rich Must have some money…..Ok at least have more money in his bank account than I do and at the current time I have, ouch $5.68 it couldn’t be THAT hard to find right?
Number twenty-three: Must have hair …… ok, this was put on because my kids for some reason made fun of me dating bald men. Some men couldn’t help that their hair began to recede in their twenties and well some thought they looked better without……and in E.T’s defense bald is better than being a skinny white guy with bushy red hair. (yes, E.T even though I hate the character ET with a passion the man who I dated after The Major sorta got his nickname by some of my girlfriends and they did say he resembled ET…the white version…we will save this story for another time)
“You are too picky…..money isn’t everything…..so what if he has a hairy ass at least he treats you good” these are things I would often hear. I knew I would never find a man who held the qualities like The Major or the umpteen other “must haves” on my list…….so I started a new list.
- Must breathe
- Must have a job
- Understands that cheating and lying are unacceptable
- Must love my children
- Must love my furgirl, Lily.
Unfortunately, by cutting my list down and lowering the bar got me a couple of years with a thirty something man-child I swear he fondled his Play station controller more than he did me and then after that was all said and done, I jumped into the relationship I soon regretted with Mr.Crazy.
Luckily ….. I never had to redo the list because The Major and I reconnected after the whole Mr.Crazy debacle and now we are in the process of writing our Happily Ever After…….
I still hear the “must have’s” from my single friends and I will be honest some of my friends lists need some tweaking or maybe they need to do some searching within themselves. Sometimes the items we listed back when we were twenty don’t necessarily stand true to what we really need now while we are getting older. Is social status THAT important?….come on you aren’t in High School anymore or competing for the next spot on a new reality show. Being a suit on Wall Street or in some big wig corporation shouldn’t be one of your top three……….what should be in your top three is:
1. that he loves you
2. that he is honest with you
3. that he respects you and your family