As I said good-bye to my husband for the day, pain stung my heart as I saw the mark on his neck that he was trying to hide….seeing the military base getting farther and farther away I couldn’t stop thinking how my marriage was a fraud….we were suppose to prove all of them wrong, WE should have been important to him. Tears welled up in my eyes; unable to see the road ahead, I pulled to the side of the road and cried.
The feeling of dread and defeat wrapped around me, my soul was dead and emptiness consumed my heart. I looked over my shoulder to see my two little angels still sleeping, they had no idea that their future was about to change.I had to make a decision for the four of us……..yes four, because at the age of 22 I was on the verge of divorce, I had two little girls under the age of three and I just found out that I was pregnant with our third child.
I will never forget that day on the side of the road, I cried silently trying not to wake my children praying to God; asking him for help, asking him for guidance. “How was I supposed to do this on my own?”….. “It’s going to be so hard”………..but somewhere I found the strength to move forward, I knew things would be incredibly tough but there was no way I was going to have my children grow up watching their parents in a loveless marriage, to see their parents constantly fighting, to see their father come home for an hour and then head out to fulfill his needs (sports, hobbies, women)….they deserved better, I deserved better.
I made the decision to move …… not just to the next town but to a whole other state. During that time I discovered a lot about myself, I had to solely depend on myself to take care of things and no one else. ….. I had to fix a leaky faucet all by myself, shovel the snow off my driveway, tend to the needs of my children and try to find out who the heck I was, life was hard and I grew resentful……resentful of the fact that now my husband was free to have the single life that he craved for years; not that marriage stopped him……I called him one morning just to hear his voice and it wasn’t his voice that I heard…. it was a females voice ….it was the stripper.
June fifth (or was it the sixth?) would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary IF we were still together. It’s hard for me to think what life would have been like if he would have stayed faithful throughout our marriage and decided to focus on family instead of trying to taste the freedom of single life from time to time. I remember not so long ago when we sat at a table in a restaurant filling out annulment paperwork given to us by the Catholic Diocese, he admitted to putting himself first in our marriage, that there came a time that while I wanted us to be a family he didn’t want nothing to do with it. His admittance surprised me.
I really don’t know if we would have conquered the demons that were plaguing our young marriage but from what I have witnessed of his current marriage he still craves the attention from women, he still puts his “hobbies” before his family, but for some reason his wife puts up with it all…(seriously no one can be that blind)…..I do recall the first time we met, I am not sure where my ex-husband went off to but she asked “Can I ask you a question, do you think he ever cheated on you?” I was shocked by her question….. I was honest with her “Yes, I do…..I know without a doubt he did, but he loves you …..He would never do that to you”……. Inside I was hoping I was right, but I was so wrong. Seeing that love truly doesn’t conquer all in his case I could see that he would have continued with his unfaithful ways.
Although life was hard……sometimes very dark………mistakes were made………memories created…I would have rather lived alone with my kids rather than a lifetime in a loveless marriage full of disrespect and lies ….I don’t regret the decision that I made that morning along side of the road, I never will.
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